Posted on 10/17/2004 7:34:22 AM PDT by CHARLITE
The Two Johns: So What Do You Want for Lunch? (election levity) Written by Gregory Borse Sunday, October 17, 2004
A new reality television series is being launched by Al Gore's fledgling cable channel. Titled ''The Two Johns,'' the series will capture the riveting behind-the-scenes action as two rich, white liberals plot their run for the White House during the 2004 presidential campaign.
While the series is still in production, a special screening of previously filmed footage was made available to the press for review. Here's a snip:
John: ''So what do you want for lunch?''
John: ''You know, we are all God's children, and I'm sure if you asked the Vice President's daughter Mary, who is a lesbian, she would say that she wants a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, just a BLT, like any red-blooded American Gay person. Or Islamic person, or Jew—except without the bacon—or even an American Indian, who gave me a personal blessing the other day, expressing a deeply personal spiritual connection to the Almighty of their choice; except they should be free to have a buffalo-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich if they choose. Or atheist. Who should be free to say that they don't even believe in sandwiches. Which is why I fight for the environment.''
John: ''So, a BLT, right?''
John: ''You know, if this president had not banned Stem-Cell Research three years ago, we could have developed the technology to make any number of kinds of sandwiches—and with my plan to roll-back the tax-cuts, we'll be able to afford to allow our children to eat again!—BLT's, PB&J's, WMD's—whatever they want! And it won't be the middle class that pays for them. I'll raise taxes on the rich so that they pay their fair share! And I'll close that loophole in a nano-second to make sure that every single sandwich our children eat is made right here in the United States of America! No more outsourcing sandwich makers’ jobs to India and Pakistan! Who cares if they can make a BLT for pennies on the dollar! They don't taste as good!''
John: ''I'll bet you Osama Bin Laden is eating a nice fat juicy BLT right now. Do they have those at Tora Bora?''
John: ''And that's the problem right there. This president took his eye off the prize in Tora Bora and went looking in Iraq, which has no connection, NO CONNECTION, to BLT's or any other sandwich that you can turn into an acronym! And that's why I have a plan to insure that flu vaccinations will never again be in short supply because we are not able to buy our drugs from Canada or any other third world country!''
John: ''Do you think your wife wants a sandwich?''
John: ''Just get her a bottle of gin and a bag of raisons—WHITE RAISONS, for cripes' sake!''
John: ''Anything else?''
John: ''You know, when I was writing Christmas cards to President Nixon on Christmas Eve 1968 from some village in Cambodia, I thought about how he was back in the states, eating his BLT's, and I thought, ''How Can You Ask Any Man to Eat Rice When There Are Perfectly Good Sandwiches Available If You Are Only Willing to Implement the Right Government Program?'' And that's why I have a PLAN! I have a plan to make sure that every American Senior can have a sandwich of whatever kind. Or not. That's the beauty of the plan. I'm not forcing it on anyone! If they want a sandwich, they can opt for a sandwich, if not? Well, they can stick with their present plan—which is starving!''
John: ''That's what's so great. I mean, you've got a plan for everything. I mean, I could count the number of plans you have on five fingers, no, on ten fingers. And some toes. If people would only listen to you, they'd have a plan and they wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Why, if you were president, I'll bet even Jesus Christ Himself could have been raised from the dead, just to have whatever kind of sandwich he wanted!''
John: ''That's right, John. And I agree. I really do. I agree and I respect your belief in that. But I would NEVER impose what I take to be an article of faith and impose that belief on you or anyone else. That's why I'll defend Roe vs. Wade. Because a woman's choice regarding a sandwich is between her, God, and the delicatessen.''
John: ''So, definitely the BLT and, what, a Mr. Pibb?''
John: ''You know, I actually voted for that BLT before I voted against it? It's not that I was against it, I just described in language about it in a way that was wrong. But I was not wrong about the BLT! I have been entirely consistent. So, I have a plan to insure that it has to pass a 'truth standard,' a 'global test' before we can commit. And I want to make sure that we are in agreement with our allies, our friends. That they approve of our action regarding our lunches, so that they understand that we lead through respect of their opinions, and that we will never again unilaterally decide without their full cooperation.''
John: ''You want white or wheat?''
John: ''You know, anyone can throw around labels. That's the problem. It's divisive, not unitive. That's why I'm a uniter not a divider, John. That's why I don't like those labels—anyone can play around with them. Why do you have to throw around labels?''
John: ''Cause, . . . I need to know what kind of bread you want?''
John: ''But don't you see? That’s the problem. Insisting that one word or the other indicates this or that thing. That's what causes all the problems. We need to speak a new language for a new future—one that does not make unnecessary distinctions. One that honors all equally. And if I'm elected president, I will only nominate Supreme Court Justices who understand that language does not necessarily mean what it says it means, but means what we mean it means when we say it. You see? That's how you pass the truth standard. By waiting to see if what you said before matches up with what actually turns out to be the case and then you are right.''
John: ''So, I bring back whatever kind of sandwich I want, and then you say that’s what you ordered?''
John: ''Now you are starting to get it . . . .''
About the Writer: Gregory Borse is assistant professor of English at Ivy Tech State College in Wabash, Indiana. Dr. Borse, a family man with "a beautiful wife and four beautiful children," enjoys writing, current events, media, politics, and golf. Gregory receives e-mail at gregorbo@peoplepc.com.
Why is it I can imagine that exchange happening exactly like that?????
Sunday AM Humor BTTT.
Beautiful!
This is great. Got to pass it on.
Mornin'.
If they are anything like Teddy Kennedy and Chris Dodd, they wanted a waitress sandwich.
Also:
Since they are a couple of Johns, they will probably need penicillin, sooner or later.
falling down laughing
Too funny.
So true!
Good time to take a break from FR today...on a humor note.
BTTT
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.