Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures

http://www.fiberalmedia.com ^

[jamfull]

Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures

Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.

In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.

Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:

Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”

Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”

Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.

Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”

Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."

Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."

When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."

Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."

Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.

www.fiberalmedia.com

[Savage Beast]

She makes more sense than her husband. At least she says what her remedies are.

[garyhope]

What kind of racist, uh...person(rhymes with rich), only eats WHITE gin soaked raisins? What's wrong with BLACK gin soaked raisins?

Huh, Ms. smarty pants?

I think Ms. Ketchup has had tea many martoonis.

[Kozak]

Sheesh. The skank got this one wrong too.
The recipe is

Soak 10 raisins in a glass of gin.
Take the raisins, toss them out, then drink the gin.
Repeat as necessary"

[mrtysmm]

Supposedly an holistic medical doctor says it works...the raison rum thing...something about the sulfur in it.... go figure!

[7.62 x 51mm]

Hmmmm, I've soaked raisins in rum and used them in home-made rum raisin ice cream. I don't know how *ginned-up* raisins would taste, but I might just try it sometime.

[mrtysmm]

"...Botox and a slug of whiskey..."

Botox?? I never saw her before the campaign so I don't know about the botox...but...the 'slug of whiskey' explains a lot.

[COUNTrecount]

Christoph Luxenberg, a scholar of ancient Semitic languages in Germany, argues that the Koran has been misread and mistranslated for centuries. His work, based on the earliest copies of the Koran, maintains that parts of Islam's holy book are derived from pre-existing Christian Aramaic texts that were misinterpreted by later Islamic scholars who prepared the editions of the Koran commonly read today. So, for example, the virgins who are supposedly awaiting good Islamic martyrs as their reward in paradise are in reality "white raisins" of crystal clarity rather than fair maidens.

Terayzah and Al Qaeda may be on to something.

[mrtysmm]

"..."You get some gin and get some white raisins ..."

Oh h3ll....forget the raisons...the gin alone does just fine!

[television is just wrong]

Weird, I have heard about this before. I don't believe a word of it.

[mrtysmm]

"...I think Ms. Ketchup has had tea many martoonis...."

Doncha just love it??? In some ways this explains a lot about her outbursts and lack of critical thinking. Is it any wonder she disappears off the campaign trial for periods of time. It also explains that "what do I do now" look we often see at events. Do we seriously want this woman hosting 'state dinners'?

[GB]

Eat enough gin-soaked raisins and you won't CARE that your joints are hurting, LOL!

[mathluv]

This was on an earlier thread about this.

For some reason, her raisin recipe reminds me of this recipe:

Recipe for fruit cake

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Happy holidays! Please feel free to share this recipe with others.

[johnb838]

Ya know... I hate to sound like I'm sticking up for her but a lot of her stiffness and immobility could actually be caused by arthritis. I don't know what his excuse is.

[jacquej]

Now I think we have a clue as to Kerry's new secret health care plans for all of us!

[surrey]

My Mom has severe rheumatoid arthritis. I mentioned this "supposed" cure to her and it came as no surprise. She said she heard about this years ago.

[rbg81]

Since the alcohol cure has been done to death, an alternate conjecture is that is has something to do with enemas (administered by John, of course). Not a pretty picture, is it?

[sheik yerbouty]

Macumba from Mozambique..

[No Surrender No Retreat]

Teraysub forgot that eating certain types of mushrooms cause delusions of grandeur. A liberal rich B'atch on a power trip that leads to nowhere. In reality, back to her many mansions with the traitorous cowardly gigilo. Bush/Ceheney 2004

[badmrbunny]

Do we seriously want this woman hosting 'state dinners'?

do we seriously want a woman called " MOMMA T " by the gay boys? think about how weird that would be. what if MOMMA T met MR. T ? would it be love at first sight? would she dump lurch for the man with the bad haircut? sounds like a premise for a new abc sit-com " MOMMA T MEETS MR. T" .