Posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull
Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures
Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.
In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.
Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:
Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”
Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”
Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.
Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”
Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."
Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."
When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."
Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."
Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.
www.fiberalmedia.com
She must have stock in Seagrams... LOL... she is definately under the influence of something...
(hic) - I think I read this one already....... (hic, hic..) ...raisins soaked in gin, mmm, that's what she is up to.
You had me going - I thought these were REALLY effective cures straight from Terry Kerry BUT - with her cool billion - she probably has the doctor on retainer and never SEES or cares about a bill that contains less than 5 figures.
Nothing less than Bombay Sapphire for the rich witch.
Leni
I am confessing. I am going to get some white raisiins and try this. I wonder if the raisins get all soaked with the gin. This appeals to me, maybe as an after dinner course with cheese. Teresa may be onto something.
Well, she did turn Kerry's face from a horrible scary mess into just a scary mess.
For a toothache I drink the urine of a pregnant crocodile at a crossroads at midnight. Facing east if the pain is in the upper jaw, facing west if it's in the lower.
Botox and a slug of whiskey.
Jerry Baker the gardener talk show host from "On the Garden Line" has talked about this for years!
Maybe she is a closet listener!
Judging from the way Mrs. Kerry looks she must have very bad arthritis and needs a dose every 20 minutes. In between doses she also needs a liberal helping of Xanax. Just to keep the pain under control of course.
Bombay Sapphire? Ooooh, heh that is the good stuff!
I met a GIN-soaked, bar-room queen who is a heiress,
I tried to take her upstairs for a ride,
I had to heave her right across my shoulder.
And she just can't seem, to drink me - off her mind!She's a honky tonk, honky tonk heiress.
Gimme, gimme, gimme - her honky-tonk cures!
"You get some gin and get some white raisins ..."
Is that why she appears to be drunk?
This woman has ISSUES!
Nothing better for a dry martini.
Somebody tell Ta-Razor that those aren't white raisins. That's a reflection of her face in the martini glass.
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