Posted on 10/14/2004 4:48:40 PM PDT by festus
Bush fails to fund brain cancer research.
Tooters newswire : 10-14-2004
Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards today charged that the Bush administration has failed to invest enough federal resources for the study of the relationship between brain use and debilitating diseases. Edwards said that Bush actually attempted to cut funding to the Cranial Research and Analysis Program (C.R.A.P.). Edwards said, "When John Kerry is president we have a plan to address this. We will not only fully fund research programs such as this but we will introduce new programs which will remove the need the american public to engage in cranial activity. We owe this to our children and to our senior citizens."
Edwards referred to a report published yesterday by researchers at the Cranial Research and Analysis Program (CRAP). The report shows a strong correlation between brain use and the occurence of brain cancer. These findings are the result of a 15 year federally funded study.
Senior researcher, Alfred Peppercorn, said the results were quite startling and represent the single strongest corrolation factor discovered to date. "While use of the brain does not serve as a firm predictor that a person will succumb to brain cancer it was observed that in 97.8% of the cases of brain cancer the brain had been extensively used over the course of the individuals life".
Among those who never or rarely used their brains only about 4.2% ever developed brain cancer. "The findings demonstrate the need to educate the public about the risks of using their brains," said C.R.A.P. researcher Thomas Dooley. "Clearly we need to get the government and the medical community to issue guidlines about how to safely use your brain." He stressed that while the findings seemed conclusive more research was needed and suggested that this project must be given top priority in funding given the potential of helping millions of people avoid cranial cancers caused by overuse of their brains.
A snap poll conducted by See-BS News found that the issue plays well among core democrat constituent groups with over 84% in favor of funding the C.R.A.P. program. The need to fund this research failed to garner any support among hard hearted conservatives.
Still not all scientists accept these findings at face value. Sandra Kasseldorf, PhD. from Psychological Solutions Institute discounted the findings as premature. She observed that a significant portion of the findings could be explained if one took into account the cause of death of the subject, "Clearly those subjects not using their brains engaged in all manner of behavior that potentially led to their early and tragic demise thus precluding any opportunity for the onset of cranial cancer." She pointed to one case in which a 23 year old male perished while attempting to perfect his 24,000 volt electric Fish-o-Tronic Bassomater in a pond a few miles from his house. She added, "The conclusion that brain use contributes to cancer is simply not warranted. The facts rather suggest that people not engaging in brain use tend not to die of any natural causes."
Dr. Peppercorn dismissed these arguments as baseless and suggested that they ignored the fundamental evidence his study produced. According to Peppercorn , "There is simply no way to arrive at such conclusions without engaging in significant brain activity. That sort of behavior has been clearly shown by this study to be hazardous and indeed potentially life threatening." He added that it was very possible that excessive brain use could produce other yet undiscovered side effects the symptoms of which manifest themselves long before cancer itself developed.
Kerry announced that this program would be funded with the money he raised by rolling back the tax cut on those making over $200,000 a year. When asked how he could do this given he has already pledged that same money to fix social security, to provide health care, and a variety of other programs he responded, "I have a plan, a fiscally conservative plan, and a smarter plan. Unlike the president I support preventative measures for the public. If that means restricting cranial activity for the good of all then that is what I will do." Kerry campaign staff later suggested that such questions were the direct result of risky use of brain matter and questioned the judgement of those who chose to engage in brain activity at their own peril in light of these facts.
The Bush campaign had no direct comment on this issue.
I wonder if the acronym had anything to do with it?
"Say, Mr. President. Feel like funding a CRAP program today?"
Not bad, actually. You should send it to Scrappleface or Broken Newz. : )
Ruh-roh. (At least the undecided voters will be healthy in their old age.)
Ok, so which Hollywood celebrity has been diagnosed with brain cancer?
LOL on me!
Brain cancer is Bush's fault! (sarcasm)
But, did he fund research for a cure for fat a$$es?
Don't know what you do for a living but maybe you should decide on a change of careers! Great writing.
SO!!!
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