Here's the best biting satire on the Elian kidnapping -- from the viewpoint of that brave patriot that stuck his weapon in Elian's face. It was written in May 2000, published here on FR by China Clipper...kept it on my hard drive, it's long but incredibly good! Kinda encapsulates the whole spectrum of the evil Clinton era in one essay...Operation Just Reunion!
0400hrs
So there it was. I’d be walking point. In this business, point is where it’s at, but it’s not for the meek. First to Fight, First to Die…it’s what I live for. I-OPS (Department of Justice Intelligence Operations) had confirmed that at any time, we might (and probably would) encounter weapons of mass destruction. Not to mention the fiercest jungle fighters anywhere on the planet.
I guess I can honestly say I was scared. Scared for myself, yeah. But mostly for the 130 brave souls on this suicide mission that we had volunteered for. We waited. We waited some more. Some guys smoked cigarettes, some caught up on letters, some had sex with other soldiers, without first asking or telling what sex they actually were. What would it be like when the action started, I wondered…And suddenly, we got the word we dreaded, yet longed for: it was time!
"Operation Just Reunion" was on!
Some say your life flashes before you when you are about to die. All I know is, my breakfast was flashing past in huge chunks as we jumped into our assault minivans and headed for the battle site. Rumor was out that BJ Company had caught some serious sh** the day before, performing weapons reconnaissance inside the battlefield.
Jeez, were we heading into the jaws of death? I was doing some serious praying on the way out, I really was. We approached the scene…It was the scariest thing I’d ever seen, but in a way I was strangely calm. I reminded myself of other brave men I’d seen on TV.
Then, in an incredible show of testosterone, me and the other grunts blasted our way onto the battlefield. Sweet Jesus, total pandemonium, in an oddly professional way. Shrapnel everywhere. Warrants dropping out of our asses, for chrissakes. I saw a door splinter like it was made of balsa! A deadly weapon in the shape of the Virgin Mary—Holy Sh**, what is THAT all about? We neutralized the threat, because it could have given one of us a nasty conk on the head, if our helmets fell off, or something.
But the worst was yet to come. The enemy had cleverly disguised themselves as peaceful, loving cousins, negotiators, and family members—the worst kind of enemy, we learned in our Commando camp. They were wily bastards, crying like scared puppies, trying to get us to drop our guard, screaming like girlie-men! Sorry, folks, no can do! We knew better…This is the big time, and you are up against the BEST!
Suddenly, I felt the adrenaline pumping through me as I screamed—in a calm and orderly, non-threatening fashion—"Where’s the boy?! Tell me where the boy is, or I’ll shoot!!"
It was really exciting, cause then the family really put on a show! This rather attractive young girl, known from I-OPS as "Marisleysis" (which we had learned earlier is Spanish for "Lying Evil Cousin"), shouted really mean things at us, exposing her teeth as she yelled things in English, which threw us off for a while, because I-OPS had told us to listen for Spanish! Oh, she was good! A Pro! But she didn’t fool me or the 8 other guys in the sector for long. We just screamed at her louder (but nicer) when she begged us to "put the guns down, please, don’t let the boy see them!" and other wimpy sh** like that.
We unscrambled her English code quickly and professionally, toyed with the wicked family for a bit, and then suddenly I heard it! The sound we had been told to expect! It was a slight, hushed whimper, coming from "B" Closet in "Alpha" sector…it was HIM! La Hurricane ("The Hurricane"), and he was putting on his show!
I called out to my men in a loud, masculine, commando-type voice "Over here!", and like the pros they are, they lock-stepped right over with me. I was of course expecting to be shot, incinerated or at least bumped on the head really painfully at any moment, as I-OPS had warned us. But they can’t fool me—mostly, they can’t deter me! For I am the meanest sonovab**ch in full body armor, and don’t you forget it!
I bravely approached the closet where the evil "Monster of Miami" was—we knew it, and my blood ran cold. We felt his eerie presence—hell we SMELLED it. But we are the feds, and let me tell you, you don’t THINK about messing with us! Suddenly out of the closet burst the most frightening, fearsome human being I had ever seen…WAS HE HUMAN?!
Great god almighty, I thought, as my mind raced, this 50-pound dynamo had the iciest stare and no doubt the most evil dimple I had ever laid my eyes on! I knew at that moment that I was in for it, but in spite of the fear, I fell back on my excellent training. I raised the weapon and…can I stop a second here, do you, would you mind?
OK, the thing is, my gun was under control at all times. And as Mr. Holder had indicated, I didn’t recall whether I really had a weapon, but then I saw the reflection of myself in this photographer’s lens, and OK, I guess I did. But I didn’t have my finger on the trigger. And if I did, I had the safety on, and if it wasn’t on, the gun wasn’t loaded, and if it was loaded, my excellent commando training precluded my accidentally capping some woman or child with the gun, but if that happened, it would be fully justified BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T SEE WHAT I SAW!!!
Oh sh**, here I go…oh, god, please, turn off…turn off the g*dd*m camera a minute! I, I’m sorry, I…I’ll be OK, I’m OK now…OK, see, you were not there! You cannot judge me! This Elian, this Monster, was staring at me, and I tell you it was PETRIFYING!
God, I peed into my jackboots, ruined the crease on my pant legs, and I honest-to-god started quaking more than this Reno guy that we always laugh about—he almost looks like a woman (not that I would ask or tell.)
Anyway, I carefully and with complete control of my gun, aimed near but not at the Monster and the fishy-smelling guy, and…hey wow! Cool! It dawned on me that this was the actual fisherman that rescued that alien from that inner-tube! Whoa, I was like "unbelievable", cause we had learned from I-OPS that he knew Darva Conger, and suddenly I felt better, though my goggles were steaming from the vaporization in my pants.
And then it happened…A couple flashes went off! Oh sh**, hit the deck, hit it, and I hear one of my buddies screaming "Medic! Medic! Help, oh Jesus, I’m hit! Oh sh**", but it was just one of the guys goofing off, so we all laughed, then I realized the flashes came from this photographer, and he had just snapped my picture. I was bummed, because I had left my favorite fatigues at home, and these ones were a bit soiled front and back.....
Anyway, I-OPS had said we didn’t need to kill photographers this time, so I just kicked him in the stomach, because I knew he wanted it. And I left him my card, so his people could call my people to negotiate some upfront cash for me (no monkey points, OK, I didn’t just fall off the halftrack yesterday pal! I want gross!)
OK, so on the way out, we saw the evil Uncle Lazaro, who again was playing scared, whimpering it up for us, frankly scaring the sh** out of some of us, I don’t mind saying! But by the empty beer cans around his armed encampment (which was disguised as a slightly worn, 1976 La-Z-Boy recliner--jesus, those bastards are BRILLIANT!), you could tell that he was drunk as a skunk, just like I-OPS had said. So I gassed the family, as a gesture that we meant them no harm, and because I could.
I had by then handed Hellboy to a swell brave gal, who took off running full cocked like OJ over suitcases. And I have to admit, even in moments as absolutely terrifying as this, you have got to find something to laugh about. Here I was, following this f***ing butch fullback out of the hellhole, and I watched her exit the battlefield and run smack dab into a f***ing bush!
Honest to sh**! I laughed so hard, I peed my pants again. And some of the more intellectual guys said how ironic it was that she ran into a "Bush", kind of as a metaphor for what might happen to the democrats at election time on account of Operation Just Reunion? But see I knew that Clinton had already beaten Bush in ‘92, so I didn’t think it was funny. But I totally have to admit, her full frontal assault into the bush was a highlight of the morning for me.
But not as cool as the fearful yet addictive terror that only freedom warriors, who storm private homes in the dark and whisk away dangerous, explosive menaces can ever know. It’s what I do…I was born to it. I’d die for it. No sh**, I literally laugh at danger.
As cool as it had been, my day wasn’t over yet. I was relaxing and debriefing with the other patriots at the home of this suave, gray-haired lawyer, when we found out that the eight of us had been nicknamed the "Three-Minute Men". Apparently, it was in honor not only of the breathtaking speed and precision of our mission, but also as a "play on words" from the nickname of some idiots from the Revolutionary War, or something. Like we gave a f*** about some assh**es from back in the 70’s!
Anyway, it was about that time that I got a personal call from the President! Of America!!! I tell you, I love this man! He starts out by asking what the party was like, and we reminisced about the day in general, how was the family, and he went like good job for the American people, yadda, yadda, yadda. And we laughed our asses off about the "warrant" thing.
He asked me offhandedly about the gun I didn’t remember having, then he saw Mr. Holder on TV, and he remembered, and then he said hey great work, and he wasn’t at all mad that I got my picture taken and stuff, and he thanked me for using a trigger lock, and it was just really awesome. But he did seem a bit troubled or distant at the time.
Then all of a sudden, he springs to life like he’s had this great idea, or like he just wanked into the Oval Office sink, one, and he says "As a reward for your excellent bravery and for defending the Constitution against the forces of evil, I want to send you and the other brave commandos on an all-expense paid trip to any exotic place you choose. My personal Osprey Helicopter is fueled and waiting!!!"
COOL—OOWWOOOO!!! DUDE, we get to go anywhere we want, on the DOJ’s tab. And he promised me personally that we didn’t even have to tell ANYONE where we were going, and he’d call our bosses and stuff! The guy is so cool, we talked about chicks, and he even asked me about my girlfriend, like where she lived so he could send her a card of gratitude and stuff, and…
Oh here I go again, oh sh**! I’m sorry, I just am so emotional! I…Oh, geez, sorry, I’m OK. God I love that man! God bless that brave honorable man—just about the best danged president in the whole danged country EVER!
So that’s my story. I do not tell it to enlarge my credentials, or to brag about my performance in combat. WAR IS HELL! I tell it so that others might follow in my jackboots and defend the Constitution. True, I answered the patriot call. Yes, I am proud that I put my ASS on the line for democracy, the Constitution, and the Clinton Rule of Law! Yes, I’m proud that we were the "Best and the Brightest" in that fearful predawn battle.
But most of all, I am proud that from here on out, the photo of me staring down the very face of evil will replace trite, worn-out scenes like the flag being planted on Iwo Jima. Now we truly have an icon more glorious than all others, which will represent just exactly what America stands for in the Year of our President 2000!
G*dd*m, I am so proud to be an American today!!! Is Clinton AWESOME, or what!! Don’t wait up!!! I am 10-4 outtahere!!!
Posted by China Clipper, 27 April 2000, Free Republic.
It was shameful! But you really can't place the blame on the federal agents. These guys have gotta spent hundreds of hours training in precisely scripted procedures in conducting these raids. Everything must be largely by reflex. They join these swat teams thinking they'll be operating against terrorist, drug-smugglers etc.. You gotta blame the ones who gave the orders, Clinton and Reno - the same team that brought us Waco.
Gregory B. Craig
Partner
202-434-5506 (phone)
202-434-5760 (fax)
gcraig@wc.com
Williams & Connolly LLP
725 Twelfth St., N.W.
Washington, DC 20005
A trial lawyer with extensive experience in a wide variety of cases, Greg Craig has successfully defended individuals and entities in a number of high-profile criminal and civil proceedings.
Civil Litigation: Examples of Mr. Craig’s civil litigation experience include the following:
In 2000, Mr. Craig successfully represented Elian Gonzalez’s father, Mr. Juan Miguel Gonzalez, in administrative and court proceedings involving Mr. Gonzalez’s effort to regain custody of his son, Elian. Also in 2000, Mr. Craig helped lead the trial team representing Warnaco in contract/license litigation with Calvin Klein and his company. In 1999, Mr. Craig represented a major corporation in a trial in which a senior executive brought suit against the company alleging age discrimination.
During the last fifteen years, Mr. Craig has represented a variety of foreign individuals and entities who have required advice and assistance with various U.S. government agencies, to list just a few: the Consular Bureau in the State Department, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, the Office of Foreign Asset Control in the Treasury Department, the Securities and Exchange Commission. For example, Mr. Craig represented two Chicago policemen in extradition proceedings in federal court in Chicago and brought a declaratory judgment action on their behalf in federal court in Washington, D.C. which resulted in a trial court ruling declaring the U.S. extradition statute of 1856 unconstitutional.
In 1978 to 1979, Mr. Craig represented Alexander Solzhenitsyn in a libel case in federal court in San Francisco. In 1977, he brought suit on behalf of one of the first (and lead) plaintiffs in the swine flu litigation that was subsequently consolidated by the Judicial Panel on Multidistrict Litigation. From 1973 to 1975, working with Edward Bennett Williams, Mr. Craig represented the clubs of the National Hockey League in antitrust litigation involving the World Hockey Association. From 1972 to 1974, working with Joseph A. Califano, Jr., Mr. Craig represented the Washington Post Company and various reporters in connection with the Watergate scandal and the grand jury investigation of Vice President Spiro Agnew.
Criminal Litigation: Examples of Mr. Craig’s criminal litigation experience include the following:
Mr. Craig has represented numerous American corporations and corporate executives who have been the subjects of grand jury investigations and/or who have also been charged with criminal offenses.
In 1990, Mr. Craig represented Senator Edward M. Kennedy as a witness in the trial of his nephew, William Kennedy Smith, in Palm Beach, Florida. In 1983 to 1984, working with Edward Bennett Williams, Mr. Craig represented a prominent businessman who was charged with tax evasion in federal court in Miami. In 1981 to 1982, working with Vince Fuller, Mr. Craig represented John Hinckley who was charged with attempted assassination of President Reagan. In 1978 to 1980, also with Edward Bennett Williams, Mr. Craig represented a prominent businessman charged with bribing a D.C. government official. In 1977, he represented the first FBI agent ever to be indicted, who was accused of illegal wiretapping, breaking and entering and mail opening in connection with the FBI investigation of the Weather Underground. That same year, working with Edward Bennett Williams, Mr. Craig represented former a Director of Central Intelligence, who was under grand jury investigation for perjury in his 1973 testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. In 1975, he represented an individual charged with arson in a six week trial in federal court in Connecticut.
Other Experience: In three stints away from Williams & Connolly LLP,
Mr. Craig has served in government in a variety of capacities:
In September 1998, President Clinton appointed Mr. Craig to be Assistant to the President and Special Counsel in the White House where Mr. Craig served as quarterback of the President’s team that was assembled to defend against impeachment. Mr. Craig was also a member of the President’s trial team in the United States Senate and presented the President’s defense with respect to Count One during that trial.
In 1997, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright appointed Mr. Craig to be one of her senior advisors, and he served the Secretary as her Director of Policy Planning during the years 1997 to1998.
For five years (1984-88), he served as Senator Edward Kennedy’s Senior Advisor on Defense, Foreign Policy and National Security issues.
Mr. Craig also has taught trial practice at both Yale Law School (1975-76) and Harvard Law School (1981-84).
Education and Honors
• Yale Law School, J.D., 1972
• Cambridge University, Diploma in Historical Studies, 1968
• The Lionel DeJersey Harvard Fellowship (“The John Harvard Fellow”), 1968
• Harvard College, A.B., magna cum laude, 1967, Phi Beta Kappa
Government Service
• Assistant to the President and Special Counsel, The White House, 1998-1999
• Director of Policy Planning, United States State Department, 1997-1998
• Senior Advisor on Defense, Foreign Policy and National Security, Senator Edward Kennedy
Bar Admissions
• District of Columbia
• United States Supreme Court
• United States Courts of Appeals for the District of Columbia, Second, Third, Fourth, Sixth, Seventh, and Eleventh Circuits
• United States District Courts for the District of Columbia, Central and Northern Districts of California, District of Connecticut, Southern District of New York, District of Maryland, Northern District of Virginia, Central and Eastern Districts of Michigan, Southern District of Florida, and Central District of Alabama
