Posted on 09/25/2004 11:49:44 AM PDT by Publius
Our intrepid leader, W, prides himself on being a man of strong faith. It is no secret that he turns to God for guidance. If three hurricanes in a row slamming into Florida right before the 2004 election isn't a clear sign from the Almighty that he wasn't pleased with how things went in that state in 2000, I don't know what is. Even George should be able to interpret that sign!
This upcoming election is starting to scare the great citizens of the state of Washington. A recent CNN poll on swing states showed that Washington was the only state that supports John Kerry even more than it supported Al Gore. Another recent survey showed that Seattle was the most educated city in the United States. Correlation? Hmm. If the rest of the more conservative, less educated citizens of the United States decide that W is a great leader and he gets re-elected, it's time for desperate measures.
Here's what we do and how we pull it off: We secede. That's right, we leave the United States and become our own nation. Not forever, just for four years, then we apologize and rejoin the union. First order of business is finding a new name. Because we share our name with our nation's (that's ex-nation's) capital, we are the only state in the union that has to be preceded by the words "in the state of" or called "Washington state" to avoid confusion over what Washington is being discussed. It makes us sound like we all live on a campus in Pullman.
For this story I'm calling our new nation Cascadia ... we can vote on it later. President Bush can't stop us from seceding. What's he going to do? Go to war with us? That would be a political nightmare that even the Bush administration could comprehend. Although we do have an operating nuclear plant and probably the best nuclear scientists in the world working at Hanford, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld may see us as a threat and decide we need to be taken out. Think twice, Rummy, Wolfy, etc.
Here's where we got 'em: We lead the nation in the production of hops and grapes; we are the home of Microsoft and Starbucks. Yeah, that's right. We control the beer, wine, software and caffeine in this country. Now who needs whom? Maybe you want to negotiate with us, or we cut off the beer, wine, coffee and shut down all the computers. Did I mention that we build all the jets that are produced in this nation? Oh, yeah, we lead the nation in the production of both hydroelectric and wind power. We export energy from Cascadia -- lots of it!
Lights? Heat? You might need those. Will you guys need any food? Besides hops and grapes, Cascadia also leads the nation in the production of apples, cherries, raspberries, lentils, pears, spearmint and wrinkled peas. That's right, I said it: wrinkled peas, baby! We're No. 1. We also make the top 5 list in apricots, peppermint, fall potatoes, plums, wheat, barley and cranberries. Hungry? I thought so. Oh, did I mention that Cascadia is also a leader in lumber, fishing, cattle and dairy production? I'm telling you, they can't touch us! We got what they need!
Imagine what Cascadia would be like if we took all our federal taxes and kept them here. First, the price of jets, beer, wine, coffee, food, energy and software will be going up in the United States. We'll be rolling in dough. New Alaskan Way Viaduct? Done. Light rail from British Columbia to Oregon? Done. New highways? Done. Universal affordable health care? Done. Improved schools? Done. Everybody will be employed in Cascadia's booming economy.
We will look like Eden to the rest of the country; flop sweat will appear on W's head every time someone mentions Cascadia. It'll make him crazy. He'll ask to come visit but since we are now an independent nation, guess what? We tell him we're not interested. Millions of people will want to move here, but since we are an independent nation we only let in whom we want, when we want. Our property values skyrocket! The conservative farmers on the eastside of Cascadia, who initially hated the idea of secession, are all onboard when they see the price their crops are bringing when they can start sending them anywhere in the world.
Of course, we love being Americans. After four years, when we've fixed and built everything we need, we tell the United States that we are ready to rejoin. At that point we control the 2008 presidential election. We simply tell the citizens of United States which president we'd like to see in office and they vote him (or her) in, it's a done deal. The new Democratic president comes to Cascadia to accept us back in the union and everything is forgotten. Americans are now very well aware of where their software, caffeine, beer and wine come from. And we keep our new name -- just to be sure there's no confusion.
Brad Upton just celebrated his 20th year as a stand-up comedian and 48th year as a resident of Cascadia.
A nation withdrawing from caffine is a mean nation and it would be best not to mess with it. I was thinking about this the other day. If there was a major disruption and no sodas , coffee, tea, or chocolate available our enemies would be in a world of hurt:')
A person whose cube is diagonal from mine is a DUmmy, and he has no idea I'm a FReeper, so that makes it more fun. He's almost thrown in the towel on Kerry.
Did the rules change? Wouldn't they have to be invited back?
Re: #33 - Lenin Statutue. Are you serious? Is this statue REALLY in a Seattle community? Where is it located? Is the citizenry really so pro-commie to do this? Do they understand who they are honoring? Are you sure this isn't a photo in Red Square in Moscow?
I'm always puzzled why the leftists have succeeded in grabbing the most picturesque parts of our country with the balmiest weather. Why did their take-over succeed in these parts of the U.S.?
That's something to celebrate? Sounds to me like he's reached his level of incompetence in the, uh, "entertainment profession."
The statue is in the Fremont District, which is a trendy area of microbreweries and great ethnic restaurants. The owner bought it when the Soviet Union had its going-out-of-business sale. He believes it is merely a piece of artwork with no political value.
I believe that statue has been for sale for some time now...
I would be all for this if the border was at Lake Washington.
"Of course that means all USA federal aid ends imediatly."
Ha! We would immediately begin providing foreign aid to the new impoverished nation.
Yeah, but that would make the transition too peaceful. I mean, if it's all peaceful, how would we get our daily lliberal bag-limit? Huh?
Go ahead. Spoil my fun. ;0)
Thanks for the numbers, I guess I'd hoped that anyone with Murray's track record would be in a tighter race than that.
I was thinking of seeking assylum from Schwarzenegger's Sierra-Nevada-Cascades CONservancy until I read that! I'd rather work to convert the massive 1/5th of CA into the 51st state called SIERRA REPUBLIC, than flee to CASCADIA with socialist medicine!!!
I doubt he'll get his wish.
Someone should behead the statue, and paint the body "Jumpsuit Orange"... ;0)
Patty is only 5 feet tall, but when it comes to federal money and pork, she's 6-foot-2. This is well-known, and Patty's staff is one of the best in DC. She's safe this time.
Bad things do happen . Can't argue with that:') Believers know though that at some point if we get to far from God he may turn away from us . What would it hurt for America to start praying, turning back to His word, and putting Him back in our government? Sadly, I don't believe we are at this point yet but IMO we are headed there on a fast track.
I do as well.
They will become crazier and more dangerous.
Pray for our president.
Please ping me to your essay when it's posted.
Thanks.
As much as I would like to see the libs break away (which couldn't last long because they need to be tempered with good thinking folks) I think Texas is the only state in the Union who can establish a nation on our own legally.
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