Posted on 09/25/2004 11:49:44 AM PDT by Publius
Our intrepid leader, W, prides himself on being a man of strong faith. It is no secret that he turns to God for guidance. If three hurricanes in a row slamming into Florida right before the 2004 election isn't a clear sign from the Almighty that he wasn't pleased with how things went in that state in 2000, I don't know what is. Even George should be able to interpret that sign!
This upcoming election is starting to scare the great citizens of the state of Washington. A recent CNN poll on swing states showed that Washington was the only state that supports John Kerry even more than it supported Al Gore. Another recent survey showed that Seattle was the most educated city in the United States. Correlation? Hmm. If the rest of the more conservative, less educated citizens of the United States decide that W is a great leader and he gets re-elected, it's time for desperate measures.
Here's what we do and how we pull it off: We secede. That's right, we leave the United States and become our own nation. Not forever, just for four years, then we apologize and rejoin the union. First order of business is finding a new name. Because we share our name with our nation's (that's ex-nation's) capital, we are the only state in the union that has to be preceded by the words "in the state of" or called "Washington state" to avoid confusion over what Washington is being discussed. It makes us sound like we all live on a campus in Pullman.
For this story I'm calling our new nation Cascadia ... we can vote on it later. President Bush can't stop us from seceding. What's he going to do? Go to war with us? That would be a political nightmare that even the Bush administration could comprehend. Although we do have an operating nuclear plant and probably the best nuclear scientists in the world working at Hanford, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld may see us as a threat and decide we need to be taken out. Think twice, Rummy, Wolfy, etc.
Here's where we got 'em: We lead the nation in the production of hops and grapes; we are the home of Microsoft and Starbucks. Yeah, that's right. We control the beer, wine, software and caffeine in this country. Now who needs whom? Maybe you want to negotiate with us, or we cut off the beer, wine, coffee and shut down all the computers. Did I mention that we build all the jets that are produced in this nation? Oh, yeah, we lead the nation in the production of both hydroelectric and wind power. We export energy from Cascadia -- lots of it!
Lights? Heat? You might need those. Will you guys need any food? Besides hops and grapes, Cascadia also leads the nation in the production of apples, cherries, raspberries, lentils, pears, spearmint and wrinkled peas. That's right, I said it: wrinkled peas, baby! We're No. 1. We also make the top 5 list in apricots, peppermint, fall potatoes, plums, wheat, barley and cranberries. Hungry? I thought so. Oh, did I mention that Cascadia is also a leader in lumber, fishing, cattle and dairy production? I'm telling you, they can't touch us! We got what they need!
Imagine what Cascadia would be like if we took all our federal taxes and kept them here. First, the price of jets, beer, wine, coffee, food, energy and software will be going up in the United States. We'll be rolling in dough. New Alaskan Way Viaduct? Done. Light rail from British Columbia to Oregon? Done. New highways? Done. Universal affordable health care? Done. Improved schools? Done. Everybody will be employed in Cascadia's booming economy.
We will look like Eden to the rest of the country; flop sweat will appear on W's head every time someone mentions Cascadia. It'll make him crazy. He'll ask to come visit but since we are now an independent nation, guess what? We tell him we're not interested. Millions of people will want to move here, but since we are an independent nation we only let in whom we want, when we want. Our property values skyrocket! The conservative farmers on the eastside of Cascadia, who initially hated the idea of secession, are all onboard when they see the price their crops are bringing when they can start sending them anywhere in the world.
Of course, we love being Americans. After four years, when we've fixed and built everything we need, we tell the United States that we are ready to rejoin. At that point we control the 2008 presidential election. We simply tell the citizens of United States which president we'd like to see in office and they vote him (or her) in, it's a done deal. The new Democratic president comes to Cascadia to accept us back in the union and everything is forgotten. Americans are now very well aware of where their software, caffeine, beer and wine come from. And we keep our new name -- just to be sure there's no confusion.
Brad Upton just celebrated his 20th year as a stand-up comedian and 48th year as a resident of Cascadia.
Get some lawyers to work poring over the Oregon treaty of 1846 with Britain...perhaps Washington and Oregon really belong to Canada after all. Or we can tell the Brits that we have changed our minds and will accept the Columbia River as the border (which is what the British wanted).
Now I think you may be right after all.
Why do they cower at the thought of a meritocracy?
God sent the libs a message in Washington with Mt. St Helens. And it's rumbling again. Even libs oughta get the message.
The educated votes for kerry? (The brain dead welfare zombies and the demented left wing elitists). Kerry will be buried in November, this one is for the Gipper. Bush/cheney 2004
"Ecotopia" but I like your spelling better.
As far as this idea goes -- have at it! But they will get zero US dollars for that time. And zero US federal personnel and no Federal courts, no border patrol, no subsidies, no Section 8, no WIC, no Food Stamps, no nada.
That would be great. Maybe they can convince Oregon to join 'em! The result would make Bangladesh look like Beverly Hills!
I feel sorry for God. For all the absudities he's blamed for.
Bad idea. We would lose our ocean access -- we need at least ONE of those states.
Publius, as you know, Seattle proper is where the Dem support is and the rest of Washington state is predominantly more conservative - dare I say - Republican. The rest of the state is also who produces all that he thinks are the "weapons" he will use to coerce the rest of the country. Liberal Seattle are the ones who are not happy with a Bush Presidency, but if they seceded, they would have nothing to offer the rest of the world. Jets, software, hops, apples, lumber, energy, etc. are all produced in the "red" parts of the state outside of Seattle.
The arrogance and condescension of that statement astound me.
George Bush wouldn't HAVE to do anything - What this guy is advocating would lead to an internal civil war in this state... one the liberals would not, could not, win...
On the plus side, there would be a lot fewer liberals in this state at the end of it, wich means this state would no longer be in the "D" column...
Go for it, dude!
After all, capitalism is a highly selective economic and social system, and many people just aren't cut out for it. We have a social obligation to our fellow citizens to help them out by letting them leapfrog above those who have worked their way up. (Just quoting what you hear in any public school.)
The idea of a civil war doesn't bother me - our side has all of the guns! ;o)
They control the caffeine? Gee, I didn't know that coffee beans were grown in Washington.
Now that I can see at the bottom that this dolt is a stand-up comedian, I'll let some of this pass but....
If Washingtonians are so smart, why do they keep electing total dimwits like Maria Cantwell and Patty Murray? Is that part of this great liberal "nuance" that they keep trumpeting?
And if Washingtonians are so intelligent, why did it take them two decades to solve the Green River killings?
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