Posted on 09/12/2004 3:09:07 PM PDT by Mark
At least you can't swim in L.A. air
By Kimit Muston
I was shocked -- shocked -- to learn that Los Angeles now officially has the worst traffic congestion in the United States. Thank goodness somebody finally did a scientific study to uncover this little-known facet of life in Southern California. You can read the details yourself online at obvious-as-hell.com.
According to the Texas Transportation Institute, which for some reason felt compelled to do this study of traffic congestion in lots of cities outside of Texas, our little pueblo is now the worst traffic mess in world history. Previously, the worst congestion on record occurred in ancient Rome right after a double-header in the Coliseum (Christians v. Lions.). The lion supporters always showed up in force, but after the second game -- Lions shut the Christians out, 42 to zip -- there was such a chariot jam on the Apian Way that one poor guy, Flabeus Lateus, didn't get home until the Middle Ages.
But now, according to the Texas Transportation Institute, Southern California is the new congestion capital of all time. Which leaves us with something we can brag about at the oxygen bar, I guess. The average commuter in Los Angeles, Ventura and San Diego counties wastes 93 hours a year stuck in traffic, according to these Texans, and that's supposed to be a world record. It certainly makes life in L.A. sound terrible.
But I did a little study of my own. And after hours of intricate and detailed calculations, I discovered there are approximately 365 days in most years. Subtract weekends (104 days) and holidays (eight days), and it turns out we commute to work only 253 days a year. No wonder our economy is in such trouble! Anyway, divide 93 hours by 253 days, and it turns out we only waste about 15 minutes a day in gridlock. Now that doesn't sound so bad, does it? Just 7 minutes each way.
And what do these Texans mean by "waste," anyway?
Look, at least we're not commuting to and from Houston. That entire trip is a waste. This is L.A., Baby. Parked bumper to bumper on the Sepulveda grade with our air conditioners blowing full blast, our satellite radios blaring and all 16 cylinders of our leased Ferraris revving to the red limit and gobbling a gallon of gas every eight seconds, we are not wasting anything. Not when you look this good. Listen up: A Volkswagen bug slip-streaming behind a mass transit bus down East 19th street in Austin, Texas, is a bigger waste of gasoline than Maria Shriver stop-and-going Arnold's Humvee to Ralphs to pick up hair spray.
Why are we trusting a study from Texans? They've never liked us. Basically, Texas is populated by people who got lost looking for California. And thank goodness they did, too. Have you any idea what California would look like if all those rodeo rejects had figured out which way was west? Orange County, that's what.
Worse -- Orange County with high humidity. Humid? The word fails to even begin to describe the climatological status of Texas. "Moist" would be a better word. "Oozy" would be more accurate. On an average summer afternoon with not a cloud in the sky, Texas has more water floating around in the air than in the Rio Grande. It would rain a lot more often in Texas if the raindrops could just get through all that humidity.
All that airborne moisture supports insect populations of unimaginable size and weight. One night in San Antonio I got jumped by four mosquitoes. I escaped with my life, but they got my wallet. And they drove off in my car. When the cops finally returned it, not only was the gas tank empty, but there were eight empty six packs of Raid in the back seat. We're talking mean mosquitoes. We don't have mosquitoes like that in California. We have condors, but they're smaller.
According to the Texas study, people in Dallas and Fort Worth "waste" only 61 hours a year in traffic jams, or about one-third less time than they claim we Californians waste in traffic. But there is productive "wasted" time and then there is wasted wasted time. Those 10 minutes Texans waste each day are 10 minutes that could be spent getting on a plane and getting out of Texas. And that is a true waste of time.
Kimit Muston lives in the San Fernando Valley and is a regular contributor to the Daily News. Write to him by e-mail at KAMuston@hotmail.com .
Don't mess with Texas...........just give it back to Mexico
Someday I'm going to make millions with that bumpersticker...
>:P
Personally I've never seen a mosquito any bigger than a sparrow. I think it must have been mockingbirds that took his car and wallet.
I was raised in Houston and I can remember running behind the mosquito fogger trucks that would drive through our neighborhood. We always pretended the cloud of poison was magical fog to be danced in. I turned out just fine!
I stopped commuting in 1979...
been working out of my house since then!
"Don't mess with Texas...........just give it back to Mexico"
Drive your car down here with that bumper sticker on it. You know, just for the adventure of finding out what happens.
I have a better idea than what your slogan suggests. How about if Texas invades New York State and knocks some sense into them? Really, its no problem. They've already confiscated all their citizens' guns.
OH BOY, time for a drink! Maybe with one of them small umbrella thingys in it,
Just trying to learn what not to do. Problem is, Austin already does it.
I used to co-own property down in Houston with a Canadian partner. The texans used to call him a Yankee..as he tried to explain that he wasn't, but in the eyes of the world, they were. Dumb as cement. So you want to invade NY...do you need a map showing where I95 is?
Texas beat Mexico...lost to the North in the civil war, and is being reclaimed by Mexico...says alot about dumb and dumber.
OH boy I love it! Civil War on FreeRepublic!
Well, he (she? it?) has got us there. The Rio Grande often doesn't make it to the Gulf anymore. A lot of it evaporates off of Lake Amistad, more goes into watering crops on both sides of the river, where it also evaporates.
Mexico had an Army bigger than the US at that time. At the time of the civil war, most of what is now Texas, wasn't even settled. It consisted of a few counties along the Golf. There wasnt' much fighting in Texas, only a couple of minor battles. If Texas was in charge of the borders, instead of Washington DC, there be no reclaiming, such as it.
It seems to me though that the immigrants to Texas, even the illegals, do a lot better job of becoming Americans, than those that choose to go to California. Ain't nobody talking about Aztlan around here. If they did, those Hispanics whose ancestors were here when Austin arrived to form Gringo colonies would beat them to a bloody pulp. They don't want to become Mexicans. Nor do the descendents of more recent immigrants, legal or illegal.
Yeah! If ever there were a thread to just lurk on....this be it.
It is exactly two and one-half beers between Aviation and Imperial and the Winnetka off-ramp of the 405 in afternoon rushhour.
"I used to co-own property down in Houston"
"Used to", Good riddance.
"do you need a map showing where I95 is?"
Nope.
Do you mind terribly much if I smoke a cigarette in NYC City Hall once we're done?
"Texas beat Mexico...lost to the North in the civil war, and is being reclaimed by Mexico...says alot about dumb and dumber."
That, Sir, was astounding idiocy.
You know, I've seen this claim elsewhere. Seems to be conventional wisdom.
Do you have any idea why it is so?
Ya'all must be sippen!
Funny this guy should say that... bcause the last few days you sure can... It's hot and muggy as a jungle in LA right now
Wait a minute! This is a FORGED posting. There ain't no Winnetka off-ramp of the 405. You mean "vicinity of Winnetka"? Sorta like Harkin flew in Vietnam--oh wait Vietnam ERA
Canoga????
Hot and muggy is right! So as a bonus a big problem developed in Moorpark today- Edison station, needing major repairs, SO they announced that they will have rolling blackouts, an hour each for the next few days to energize the new equipment.
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