Posted on 09/10/2004 8:30:43 PM PDT by cwiz24
I know I'm begging for this to get pulled from Breaking News, but I figure anyone online at this hour could use a laugh...
The Top 40 Election Dan Ratherisms
40. "This thing is tighter than Joan River's face, and damn near as frightening."
39. "We're pumped here in the newsroom, like the sleep-deprived junkie who gave me these pills at the walk-in clinic."
38. "If I had a nickel for every one of those 19,000 rejected ballots, I'd be sitting at about 950 bucks right now."
37. "It's tighter than a prairie dog's butt in a dust bowl!"
36. "As the fight for the White House drags onto into the 11th round, Gore must feel like a desperate boxer and I'll bet Bush's ear is looking mighty tasty right now."
35. "Voters are pulling on their ballot levers like rats trying to get a pellet in a Skinner box!"
34. "Well, hold me down and stomp me like a hamster in a crush video, this has been one long night."
33. "This race is tighter than a face lift on a 50 year auditioning for 'Dawson's Creek'."
32. "If Florida is 'the big tamale', then Texas must be 'M-m-m-my Chalupa!'"
31. "Tonight we've seen more ups and downs than a Viagra conference."
30. "It's all about chads. Chads, chads, chads. Chad, chad, bo-bad, banana-fana, fo-fad. Chad."
29. "This race is about as hard to call as a deaf hog up a sassafras tree."
28. "You put Florida in; you put Florida out. You put Florida in; then you shake it all about."
27. "It's a steelcage deathmatch between the bubbas and the bubbes, and I'm not bettin' bupkes on the outcome."
26. "Politics makes strange bedfellows and this election is so close, Bush and Gore may have to move bunkbeds into the Lincoln bedroom."
25. "This race is tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay Pride week."
24. "We take it on faith that kissing your sister gets either old or illegal after the second week."
23. "George W. Bush is like a whorehouse pianist -- he can see the prize, but he can't touch it."
22. "This election is bouncing around like Dolly Parton jumping rope on speed."
21. "Bush thought of his brother as a giant electoral PEZ dispenser, but when he snapped his head back on November 7, what he pulled out of Governor Jeb's neck was not the sweet cherry-red 'Bush' candy he'd been counting on but the bitter lemon-yellow candy known as 'Undecided', and he's surely finding it hard to swallow."
20. "Controversy is bubblin' like a gut full o' bad gumbo."
19. "This race is tighter than Ted Kennedy at a single-malt chugoff, and somebody just opened up the Glenlivet."
18. "Those Florida results are gyrating like my tongue in Diane Sawyer's ear last night."
17. "The recount room is locked up tighter than an Iowa trailer park in tornado season."
16. "I may not know the frequency, Kenneth, but I can count to 270, and we ain't there yet."
15. "This one's tighter than Rush Limbaugh's bike shorts."
14. "This one's a crotch-grabber, folks, and I'll bet a handful of nuts it won't be over any time soon."
13. "Tell grandma to take her teeth out of the glass, this'll be a nail biter."
12. "This race is stickier than a pine cone enema on a hot night in the bayou."
11. "The vote count in Florida is stopped up worse than 'Yours Truly' after a bit too much queso."
10. "This one is working out to be a hum-dinger, only the fat lady ate all the hums and is now eyeing the dingers."
9. "The margin of victory in New Mexico is tighter than Britney Spears's tube top, and just as likely to piss off Republicans."
8. "...and where the hell are my pants?!"
7. "This recount is like a too long movie with too sticky floors in a too crowded Times Square with too few cabs and too many hookers."
6. "The Florida voter may be getting screwed harder than a drunken Paula Zahn at CBS's Christmas party."
5. "Elections are like a box of chocolates, and in Florida, this one seems to be running away from Forrest Gore."
4. "Just remember: if your grandma had wheels, you could use her for luggage."
3. "If Gore loses Florida, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up 'Dueling Banjos' because Al will be squealing like a pig."
2. "The American people wanted just a quickie, but it looks like they're going to be paying for the full night. With kink."
1. "Don't shake the pee pee yet, this contest is still flowing!"
The *real* Ratherisms are funnier.
I know...but these aren't far off the mark though. I laughed my keester off.
What do you think you're doing? No one here is supposed to have a sense of humor. This is news forum. We're supposed to all be uptight and miserable. This is utterly humorous.
Great job!
I've never had Rather on long enough for him to prattle off twenty lines.
Here's some more fun quotes from Dan the (con) Man...
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dan_rather.html
I've tried everything. I can say to you with confidence, I know a fair amount about LSD. I've never been a social user of any of these things, but my curiosity has carried me into a lot of interesting areas.
Dan Rather
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Dan Rather
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
Dan Rather
Are the Democrats going to dance the mandate macarena?
Dan Rather
Be careful. Journalism is more addictive than crack cocaine. Your life can get out of balance.
Dan Rather
By more than two to one Americans do not consider what Kevorkian did, injecting a terminally ill patient with legal drugs at the patient's request, to be the same as murder. You may want to note that laws are not supposed to be enforced on the basis of public opinion polls.
Dan Rather
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Dan Rather
Folks, let me point out something to you, because for a lot of people in Washington, they could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping through on the back of a hippopotamus this Election Night.
Dan Rather
For years Don Imus was just - boy, he was merciless in his criticism of me. Maybe it was justified, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Dan Rather
I got addicted. News, particularly daily news, is more addictive than crack cocaine, more addictive than heroin, more addictive than cigarettes.
Dan Rather
I had someone at the Houston police station shoot me with heroin so I could do a story about it. The experience was a special kind of hell. I came out understanding full well how one could be addicted to 'smack,' and quickly.
Dan Rather
I'm proud to say I've never been anybody's lapdog...
Dan Rather
I've always tried to be fair, even-handed, not an advocate for any group.
Dan Rather
I've tried everything. I can say to you with confidence, I know a fair amount about LSD. I've never been a social user of any of these things, but my curiosity has carried me into a lot of interesting areas.
Dan Rather
If you liked this broadcast, we hope you'll watch it again tomorrow night and maybe tell your neighbors about it.
Dan Rather
Journalists should denounce government by public opinion polls.
Dan Rather
Never eat spinach just before going on the air.
Dan Rather
Texas: 32 electoral votes, another of the so-called big enchiladas or if not an enchilada at least a huge taco.
Dan Rather
The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth";
Dan Rather
The Michigan Republican primary apparently is tighter than Willie Nelson's headband.
Dan Rather
The reelection of Bill Clinton is as secure as a double-knot tied in wet rawhide.
Dan Rather
These races are tick-tight.
Dan Rather
They may have turned this up, whether you had the Paula Jones case or not. But again maybe not, but again that's like if a frog had side pockets he'd probably wear a handgun.
Dan Rather
They say California's the big burrito; Texas is a big taco right now. We want to follow that through. Florida is a big tamale.
Dan Rather
This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.
Dan Rather
Those market researchers... are playing games with you and me and with this entire country. Their so-called samples of opinion are no more accurate or reliable than my grandmother's big toe was when it came to predicting the weather.
Dan Rather
Those of you watching and listening, get a cup of coffee or a spot of tea and join us back here in just a few moments.
Dan Rather
We may see Michael Jackson's baby before we know the final outcome of this race for the House of Representatives tonight.
Dan Rather
What I say or do here won't matter much, nor should it.
Dan Rather
thanks man
emailng this to my buddy in iraq she can use it
I wish some one would play that al gore tirad you lied you missled the people to dan reathers face u know
You had to roll out Joan Rivers. I was flying back to Dayton from NYC on Thursday AM on USAir Express (not bankrupt yet!). I notice a heavily pancaked bleached blond in the front row of the CRJ with a prissy male assistant. We land in Dayton and the USAir folks act like she's royalty. Their clogging up the terminal and I'm anxious to get home, so I blow past.
Sure enough, it's JOAN RIVERS! She's got more mortar on her face than Marcel Marceau's corpse at his funeral. Let's just say she's not aging well. She had a scarf on, so I couldn't see the skin-knot that the plastic surgeons must have created by pulling her face tighter than a tom-tom.
Anyway, that's my Joan Rivers sighting.
You forgot this knee-slapper - "Bill Clinton is an honest man". Dan Rather to Bill O'Reilly
Cool. I needed a new tagline.
Thanks for making my stomach hurt from laughing.
I've always tried to be fair, even-handed, not an advocate for any group.
Dan Rather
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
When was the last time you said something really negative about a Dem candidate, Dan? I mean, something as negative as you do about Pubbies on a nightly basis? Oh never? Oh, it's never been deserved?
>I got addicted. News, particularly daily news, is more >addictive than crack cocaine, more addictive than heroin, >more addictive than cigarettes.
Boy I'll say!!! Sometimes I miss the days when I didn't care who was president or what someone in Saudi Arabia did.
My favorite of the bunch, for the pure irony:
"The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called 'truth.'"
A certain anchorman, who is making news instead of just reading it, needs a sharp stick of truth shoved up deeeeeeeeep somewhere I can't mention on a family site!
#3 had me push Natty Boh thru my nostrils ! Good Job!
Check out THESE Weird Statements from www.RatherBiased.com:
Weird Statements
"Rather was not a natural performer, or at least he was not a naturally good performer. He had to work at smiling, for example; it was not his natural expression. He knew that he came across as a bit harsh, a little 'intense,' as people were always telling him, and over the years he worked on developing an on-air persona that had a touch of warmth and humor. Rather was not a graceful writer, like Sevareid, or Collingwood or Safer, but he came to be known for his colorful Texanisms. [...]
"Such embellishments were meant to seem to viewers like a natural flair for colorful talk, but even they were taken by some as a sign of Rather's phoniness. Many of Rather's 'spontaneous' sayings were, in fact, written out beforehand, and some of them weren't even written by Rather, but by his writers."
--Peter J. Boyer, former television correspondent for The New York Times, in Who Killed CBS?, 1988.See also Election Night 2000.
Watch Dan Rather explain how he comes up with his "Texanisms." Choose either Windows Media (322KB) or RealVideo (301KB). "The reelection of Bill Clinton is as secure as a double-knot tied in wet rawhide."
--Dan Rather on Election Night, 1996."This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."
--Election Night 1996"And it's been 46 years since the moon was full for trick-or-treaters and other things that go bump in the night, as it is this Halloween. And it won't occur again for another 20 years. You could say it happens only once in a 'boo' moon."
--Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News, October 31, 2001."We may see Michael Jackson's baby before we know the final outcome of this race for the House of Representatives tonight."
--Election Night 1996"These races are tick-tight."
--Election Night 1996"Are the Democrats going to dance the mandate macarena?"
--Election Night 1996"John Kerry working himself literally into a sweat, or as my high school English teachers refer, 'into a high state of perspiration.'"
--Democratic National Convention, July 29, 2004."They say California's the big burrito; Texas is a big taco right now. We want to follow that through. Florida is a big tamale."
--Election Night 1996"Texas: 32 electoral votes, another of the so-called big enchiladas or if not an enchilada at least a huge taco."
--Election Night 1996"Folks, let me point out something to you, because for a lot of people in Washington, they could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping through on the back of a hippopotamus."
--Dan Rather on Election Night, 1998.
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![[Click to view video of Dan Rather discussing his metaphors with David Letterman Jan. 15, 2001.]](http://www.ratherbiased.com/photos/letterman2.jpg)