Morford: Where Is Your Hallowed Balm? Music? Yoga? Porn?

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 9/3/04 | Mark Morford (who never disappoints)

[MikalM]

I am searching for a few good things.

Things to counteract, to dissolve the simmering dread, to deflect the waves of nausea and karmic pain induced by the incessantly depressing media maelstrom and the appallingly hateful gloat of the GOP convention and by the most tyrannical administration and least articulate American president in 100 years. You know how it is.

And you say to yourself, these things, these radiant gems that live outside the mass-media miasma, I need them because they provide some balm, soften the fact that the nation feels massively off track and blinded and war torn and jaded and polarized and fractured and dehumanized and frigid and drunk and pimp slapped and bipolar and schizophrenic and molested and more than a little lost.

And when you find a few of these cultural charms, you pull them in close, wrap them around you like a cloak, like a shield, like a personalized custom-built metal-studded force field that does to those feelings of despair and anxiety what a large bug zapper does to a screaming blood-sucking mosquito.

[IGOTMINE]

Sounds like someone put sand in Mark's KY, or maybe he got a mouthful of feathers from the last pillow he bit.

[gopwinsin04]

I have a feeling KY Jelly is Miss Morfords 'Hallowed Balm..'

[anonymous_user]

Repeat the mantra: Ohmmmmjohnnykerry. Ohmmmmjohnnykerry.

[over3Owithabrain]

Your keywords are hilarious! LOL LOL

[Migraine]

I must honestly admit that I am not sorry that he is suffering so. He has written a dark poem that doesn't rhyme, but does manage to match his soul's own pointless, anarchic discord. (You see, two can play at this game.)

[LizardQueen]

The keywords are killin' me here, too

[ApplegateRanch]

"they provide some balm, soften the fact that the nation feels massively off track and blinded and war torn and jaded and polarized and fractured and dehumanized and frigid and drunk and pimp slapped and bipolar and schizophrenic and molested and more than a little lost."

He is confusing Toilet Fibs Kerry with "the nation".

[Socratic]

"You know how it is."

No I don't. I feel simultaneously serene and ebullient!

[eno_]

Ha, ha!

[SkyPilot]

I need them because they provide some balm

Between his clutched fingers and thumb.

[blue-duncan]

Alright Mr. Morford, take of your tin foil hat and swallow this pill with your warm ovaltine and let me strap you back into your nice warm bed. There, there it's going to be alright.

[Pietro]

"pimp slapped"

now there's an adjective that wouldn't have crossed my mind in a million years.

[daviddennis]

I think his column means that he knows Bush is going to win the election :-).

Think of it that way.

I actually like this guy. Nobody's better at creating an emotional mind-picture, a mood. The fact that it doesn't necessarily make sense is part of its charm.

D

[Rakkasan1]

he could always give himself an orally administered 9mm
sedative...

[Rammer]

I'd like to introduce him to the fine art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, if he's looking for a new hobby.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

cool French accents

Uh, I prefer a nice British or Australian accent.

[I still care]

"not the glorious enjoyment to be found in watching Olympics gymnastics while lying on the floor naked and stoned and covered in tiny candied sprinkles"

I give up. He really is in an alternative universe.

[expatpat]

It's common among young blacks. Tougher than being bitch-slapped.

[MikalM]

That's an FR tradition: any time somebody posts a Mark Morford spew, add whatever ridiculous keywords you think are relevant. I'll admit that I cut and paste lists from previous postings, and insert them here along with a few new ones.

Personally, I wonder about how appropriate all the gay-sex references are. I really believe that Morford is just a very effete, oversensitive straight man -- not a rare bird in San Francisco or other hip metro areas. And I don't really have problems with homosexuals per se; my real beef is with people of ANY orientation who fixate on sex in such an adolescent fashion.