Brats! Why Are So Many Parents Afraid To Say "No?"

Carrie is 2 years old, with curly brown hair and Windex-blue eyes. In a still-life portrait, she would be adorable. In three dimensions, she's a cross between a Gerber baby and the Tasmanian devil. Bang. Bang, bang, bang, and bang and bang.

That's the noise of the plastic water cup she is whacking against the ceramic-topped table of a neighborhood coffeehouse whose concrete floors function like an echo chamber. If she had a hammer she would have destroyed the table by now, and I'm pretty sure her parents would've let her. People look up from their lattes, squint at the diminutive figure making the big, ear-splitting noise, and try to continue with their newspapers or conversations. The banging goes on for a good 10 minutes. Normally, I would say something -- I'm not shy about these things -- but I'm curious to know just how long her parents, with whom I'm having coffee, will let this go. The answer: Indefinitely. They don't even seem to notice. Maybe they're just used to it?

On some primal level, Carrie must be offended that she's not the center of attention. There is anger in her banging, along with what I read as malice. As she grows even more restive, her father lowers her to the floor. Still clutching the cup, Carrie crawls through the room, pounding on the concrete floor as she goes along, giving everyone an up-close earful of her drum solo.

A few weeks later, I'm at a party, mostly adults with a few kids sprinkled in, among them the volcanically unruly 5-year-old son of a friend. As I squat down to greet him, he responds by biting me in the arm, leaving teeth marks through a shirt and a sweater. I am just about to spank his little behind when I realize I'm in dangerous territory. People go to jail for that these days.

True. I haven't gotten that far yet, so I'm colored by my own situation with two children under six. She probably will learn that lesson better. Thanks for pointing that out to me. (nope...can't control them forever, can i?)

thanks... i appreciate that... my oldest is eight, and i go back and forth with monitoring his every move to letting him learn the hard way (at this point, it just depends on the situation)... my three-year old, of course, still gets the monitoring...

That's okay -- I try not to put people in boxes (although I draw the line at liberal politicians :-D ) I remember my father-in-law nagging my husband about his hair when we were dating -- it was too long, he said (shoulder length.)

Some of my family has been in law enforcement -- all the way from district attorneys to parole officers to game wardens -- and some of the most unlikely looking people can be undercover officers.

Man, I bet you did! LOL!

This town can be very confusing at times. It's almost as polarized as the country. I think, though, that there are more conservatives -- just the university and the Tusc. News make it seem liberal at times.

Don't know if I'm making any sense, getting sleepy.

"Do your very best not to interrupt your spouse, and ask beforehand that he afford you the same courtesy. REALLY LISTEN to what he is saying, save questions or comments until it is your turn.

my guess is that you'll best be served by focusing on your different perspectives of childrearing as a couple, which means that you need to focus on your spousal relationship

Don't be hesitant to demand respect from the kids. Its your house. You deserve respect."

These are my favorites...

Fortunately, we do focus on the couple, and my husband and children, all three of them, know exactly how I feel and what I want and expect... really.

It's just getting the kids right and our styles and priorities are askew, and we understand the differences. They are biologically his children so I must defer more to his style.

Can't "talk" long and would like to respond further but time constraints... will definately re-read your post... again!

grellis.... great advice and thank you.

Best to you and yours... ps... and this one "You deserve respect." Speaks volumes

hi luckystarmom...

Actually, my husband and I are both on the "crazy" side and we see have seen a nurse/practitioner for many years for meds and counseling. She is very helpful. We usually visit her together and these issues have come up on occasion.

My husband listens but is hard-headed but soft-hearted. He knows. He went thru so much as a child that it is truly hard for him to handle much confrontation. I try to tread lightly.

There are "chemical" aspects for us both this in terms of tolerance. This is a long story but plays a part as well.

Hope you and yours are doing well...best to ya, ba7

Hi gogeo...

"You have a marriage problem, not a stepchild problem."

It would seem that way sometimes, but we've been married almost ten years. The kids are the only thing we argue about and we are successful in setting those problems to the side and focus on our marriage. In other words, we are somewhat compartmentalized (?) and can separate these issues.

It is clearly my husband's problem, and AppyPappy is absolutely correct in that I do enable this. But I do contribute resources and set a good example for these kids and force them to do something for themselves wherever possible. I think they would be much worse off without my influence. But that does not erase the fact that it does enable my husband to avoid some difficult parenting.

All this does create problems in our marriage, no doubt at all. But we know the problems and try to work them out, but oftentimes, I lose the battle, but hopefully not the war!!

I responded to luckystarmom about ongoing counseling we are involved in. I continue to eat the elephant one bite at a time. In spite of these offspring (very important) disagreements, I hope this marriage will survive and believe it will.

It is a family problem, and a marital aberration, and it only hurts the boys. It is frustrating at best.

I appreciate your input, short but on the spot (unlike my posts...)

Best regards, ba7

You'uns... thank you all for your consideration. Your insight and advice is well taken and I will continue to contemplate your wise evaluations, and look at this with a more enlightened view. This is the shortest post ever for me!!

Mucho gracias... do you know the spanish word for taco?? ba7

It is important that you do not seek to change your husband. That leads to some amazing frustration in a marriage. They are his children. You should focus on your relationship with the kids. You are the wife of their father, not their mom. Even the moniker "Stepmom" must be given to you by them.

You cannot control the situation but you can influence it. Sometimes you have to say "I will not participate in your self-destruction". You cannot force them to do something but you can make life easier or harder for them. Let them make the choice which it will be. They will almost always choose "easier" if they think it will actually happen.

A friend who married a woman with kids said it best "I became the happiest when I learned to ignore things the first time".

Repeat after me
I will not clean your room. The dog will take care of food in your room.
I will not do your laundry unless it is in the hamper.
I will not buy junk food or soda pop. We are all on a diet now.
I am not an ATM. These are tits, not bags of money.
I am not a free taxi, maid, laundress, cook or alarm clock. The only thing you get for free is love and I am loaded up with it.

A friend of my hubby's from work was visiting the Orlando area (when we still lived there). His wife had come along to visit her family in the area. On their last day, we all went to Disney World together. My older daughter was 4 1/2 and my younger daughter was about 1 1/2.

He and his wife had no children, but really enjoyed the day out with our family. He said that it was amazing that we could control (for lack of a better word) our children so well without yelling anything. We'd ask, and they'd respond. Apparently, his brother's method of dealing with his kids is to yell at them and accomplish little. ;)

Anyway, he honestly didn't know anyone with well-behaved children like ours, so he hadn't wanted any himself.

Two months later, his wife was pregnant. :) So, my husband told people, "Cameron's wife is pregnant, and it's all because of me." *rolling eyes*

You can either look at all the negatives and get frustrated, or you can look at their positives. My daughter's damage is so severe that her doctor's are surprised that she can even walk. She can walk, run, ride a 2 wheeled bike, swim across the pool, and read and write. She may have some tantrums, but I'll take those any day over her being in a wheelchair.

AMEN to that.

The recent McDonald's toy was called a "My Scene" doll. I made my girls give them away because the dolls were wearing skimpy clothes and looked like hookers. One of my daughters hates them because they don't do anything (vet, doctor, etc). I told my girls why I don't like them, and I told them that they will not be allowed to wear clothes like that when they are teenagers.

I took one look at those dolls and went back for the skateboarding stuff. My two daughters were thrilled! (Esp. my "X-Games" five year old!) I agree, though, the dolls looked like hookers. ugh.

"Are you kidding? No, really, are you kidding? "

No. An 8 or 10 month old who repeatedly disobeys is already testing the boundaries. A smack on a bare bottom is not abuse. It's a reminder. Please notice that I didn't say "beat." I said "smack." It doesn't have to be hard, just hard enough to get their attention.

AppyPappy

You are too much... and right on the money. Actually, both of his kids call me Mom. Their mother will be in a nursing home the rest of her life with severe stroke like condition due to consequences of severe alcholism and resulting violence to her head (brain, three brain surgeries)... she can't drink anymore.

My point is they know who I am, and don't always like it. Most teens don't like their parents if the parents are asking for responsibility and accountability. Such is life.

Actually, I am not the maid, never have been. This is one thing that causes little tiffs. My "card" will imminently become unavailable, have already decided this (only recently, unfortunately!!)

I love my husband, and our kids. My son hasn't been a picnic either and we have all endured our family "quirks". It is hard, however, to stand by and see what is happening, and what could be and not be the decision maker. I could be the dm, but it has not pr oven to be effective and creates much tension. I have given decision making to their father, but I have reserved the opportunity to maintain my home in a manner I can accept (without being a maid).

Couldn't change my husband if I wanted to. He's a redneck from hell, but has conservative values, God,family (albeit he needs parenting guidance), reverence, work, respect, pro Bush and all he stands for, you know the drill.

Your understanding is very much appreciated. It is good to know that there are folks like you that can be counted on to get to the heart of the manner and are willing to share.

I like control verses influence and this will help me with the way I operate.

What kinds of places does a 2 year old have to go to where they won't enjoy themselves? I can't think of anywhere that a child absolutely must show up --- not a restaurant, movie theatre, play, wedding, that they can't wait until they grow up some. If a child can't handle crowded events at 8 years old --- then fine --- leave him home. Or go to family oriented places and quit forcing your kids on everyone else and quit forcing everyone else onto your kids. I just don't see what is so important about taking them to adult functions.

I wasn't really speaking of 2-year-olds but, ... 2-years-old is not too early to begin to help your child develop disciplined behavior. The longer you wait to begin, the tougher this job will be.

One of the goals of parenthood is to produce a well-adjusted successful adult. At some point, children need to begin to be exposed to adult situations.

Absolutly. I was a product of one of those strict homes--nothing permissive about it. I rebelled something awful as a teen. One thing I can remember during those times is not feeling loved or cared for. I certainly knew my dad wanted to control my every move, but not that he loved me. He seemed more put out there I was cramping his style than worried about what would happen to me if something drastic didn't happen and soon.

I (and my five siblings) grew up in the strictest house in the neighborhood. Our friends would tell us that our mother was mean.

But somehow she managed an amazing balance between being a dreaded disciplinarian and a loving attentive parent.

Of course, the real "brats" are the selfish parents who drag hyper little kids into situations where they will be miserable. Kids have energy and telling a toddler to sit still at a restaraunt is somewhere between silly and sadistic. Loving parents would stay home with the kid or hire a sitter. Or go to McDonald's or someplace the kid can be a kid.

Pet peeve: There's a special place in Hell reserved for people who take little kids to weddings.

Oh, I'm not talking down strict homes, but like you said, they have to be balanced out with a whole lot of love. That was what was missing in our home. I had a father who did and still does blame everyone else for his problems and it was like a weight on one's shoulders to live in that house, not knowing what "mood" he was in from one moment to the next--knowing that if something happened to break when you were anywhere near it, you would not only be blamed, but belittled non stop for days. There were some very positive things my parents did--they worked hard to protect us from unsavory things until we were ready--they protected our innocence, unfortunately those things didn't make up for the very real emotional abuse heaped onto us as children. If it sounds like I'm not over it, well I am. I'm doing well with my own family, however I am watching my late 20's brother morph into the same person my dad is and was. Thankfully he has no children to pile this burden onto.

There is a lot to that, but make no mistake(and I speak from experience with family) many of those who drag the children out to the Friday evening movie or Saturday evening dinner date usually have plenty of oppurtunity to go it alone(and do) however it cramps their style to have to stay home for one weekend or two and do something that isn't so adult with the children. My hubby has any number of first-time-parents-when-they-were-teens neices and nephews and everyone of them have a reliable babysitter for at least a couple weekends and several weeknights a month, but they will staill just have to go to the latest movie or out to eat on the other two weekends when there is no babysitter. Let me correct that, their babysitter is the general public then. It is a problem with delaying gratification. Those "adults" just can not wait another week or two to get out for the weekend again.
I do have a soft spot for those with no babysitter or relatives who rarely get out and might have to do it with the kids. In my opinion though, those types take great care tend to their children and aren't prone to taking the kids to a rated R movie and PF Chang's for date night. Instead they'll go to someplace like Friday's and rent a video to watch after the kids are in bed.
The latest thing hubby and I do to avoid the folks who use everyone else as their babysitter is to take a lunch while the kids are at school or grandma's house or hubby takes a day off and we do the same. During the school year, you'll be hard pressed to find children in any restaurant unless it is McDonald's during the daytime.

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