Posted on 07/16/2004 1:52:15 PM PDT by Imal
My fellow Americans, devoted fans and valued consumers, I wanted to lay to rest some of the rumors you may have been hearing lately. Of course, anyone who revolutionizes film and print like I have is bound to make a few enemies along the way, and we both know I have many of those. Sometimes their criticism is warranted, sometimes not, so I want to set the record straight. According to my critics, I distort the truth in my books and films. This is absolutely true.
In fact, converting source material into art worthy of bearing my name requires such creative talent and effort that I have considered patenting my methods. Some of my finest, Oscar-winning documentary moments are so heavily edited, spliced and overdubbed that my production staff and I sometimes spent days just trying to perfect that one six-second transition to make it seem like one of my "victims" was actually saying something he never really said. Film is as magical as it is powerful!
Another favorite of mine is showing you one thing while talking about another, and sequencing scenes in such a way that you are led to believe they are somehow related, when in fact they are not. This really has an impact when my art gives you the impression that two events happened one right after the other, when, in fact, they may have occured months or years apart. I do that all the time, it's my trademark. Of course, that's not as bad as using staged scenes and representing them as not being staged (which I also routinely do), and there are so many other ways I distort the truth to fit my evil and self-serving purposes, but then, who really cares, anyway?
The truth, my dear, valued, brainwashed and oh-so-easily-manipulated customers is that I have lied to you again and again, and that the very foundation of my work -- its very reason for being, from concept to closing credits -- is to deceive you into believing things that are just plain false.
That's right, I am a big, fat liar! My critics are telling the truth about me, every single one of them. Even though I say THEY are lying, we both know, deep in our hearts, that it's really just me that's lying. I have been lying my whole life, and I am really good at it. I even lie about lying. It's my special power. If I were a superhero, I would be "Liarman". I would still be fat, but at least I would be able to fly, and spread lies with superhuman speed! I would crush you all like bugs.
But really, what is a lie? What is truth? The answer is amazingly simple: they are exactly what I tell you they are. If I say something is true, it IS true. If I say it's a lie, it IS a lie. I am the source of all truth and all lies, because, in the end, it's all about me, and nobody else but me. You love my work, and you love me, because I am better than you. That's right! I'm smarter, richer and even better-looking than you, which means you must really be a mess, you pathetic, bleating little sheep. Believe it, because it's the truth!
While I'm on the subject of truth, I should also point out that I am a high-ranking member of Al Qaeda, and have been for years. I wholeheartedly support terrorism and think everyone in America should be slowly decapitated (I'll pay for the videotape), preferably with a dull, rusty, capitalist-produced Ginsu knife. I also demand, once every last American is dead, that the land America sits on be given back to the dinosaurs, who are really the ones who legally owned it before it was stolen by the Indians. I am also a member of the American Nazi party, worship the Devil (who I call "Uncle Luke") and love to torture small, furry animals. Sometimes, instead of torturing them, I just shoot them with one of the guns from my collection of over 300 exotic, unlicensed and illegal firearms.
NOW GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!
Sincerely yours,
Michael Moore
EDITOR'S NOTE: All of the words attributed to Michael Moore in this article and disclaimer have been publicly spoken, written, published or read (either silently or out loud) in whole or in part by him at various times, sometimes singly or as parts of sentences which may not appear in their entirety here, and have been edited for publication using some of the same creative editing techniques and applying some of the same ethical, professional and technical standards used by Mr. Moore in his film and literary works, with the sole exception of this disclaimer, which Mr. Moore would not have included had he actually written this article. Copyright © 2004 would have been explicitly waived by Michael Moore.
LOL!EDITOR'S NOTE: All of the words attributed to Michael Moore in this article and disclaimer have been publicly spoken, written, published or read (either silently or out loud) in whole or in part by him at various times, sometimes singly or as parts of sentences which may not appear in their entirety here, and have been edited for publication using some of the same creative editing techniques and applying some of the same ethical, professional and technical standards used by Mr. Moore in his film and literary works, with the sole exception of this disclaimer, which Mr. Moore would not have included had he actually written this article. Copyright © 2004 would have been explicitly waived by Michael Moore.
Looks like the collection of keywords has grown since I posted the article.
I think "GROSSWEIGHT911" is my favorite.
And I am still laughing, hours later, at how the author of this article suckered me in. Yes, it's been done, but it seems so apt in this case.
Layer upon layer of irony.
bump for later
Wonderful parody, Imal!
Thanks for the ping.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.