Posted on 07/10/2004 2:11:58 PM PDT by annyokie
ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS
It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."
But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.
Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.
What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?
"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."
Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."
Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."
She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."
Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?
(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER
I am going to be judgmental:) I am going to take the opposite stand! I want to encourage men to become gay! Why? There is an Army of cute, horny, 40 year old women that are getting wet just thinking about me here in CA!:) Only 3% of them get to spend time with me. The chosen few love me forever. Keep the gay guys coming! I know how to optimize fun!
That horse is out of the barn for good now, though.
Too bad.
You're very welcome. You never hear or read it in the media but there is huge debate in the Psychiatric community (they are MD's, not the Psychology guys with BA's MA's and MSW's).
I heard some pretty lively debate in NYC some ten years ago.
Both of our scumbag RAT senators are against the marriage ammendment....that would be Lincoln and Pryor.
Yes, I know Dear.
Our oldest son and his family just moved to Jonesboro, when school got out here.
He keeps telling me he hasn't met any liberals there.
I told him , they are there somewhere. You have two dim Senators! He just laughed.
He is the one that turned me on to FR in the late 90's.
I think the whole debate on marriage/divorce/children irrespective of gay or straight comes down to selfishness.
Most of these folks are so tied up in me, me, me that they don't give a flying fig about anyone else. It's I want this, I want to live this way, I deserve children. People don't exist to serve you, but you do exist to serve others.
It's one of the paradoxes of life. Children are not supposed to fulfill you. You serve them by raising them to be self sufficient , responsible adults that no longer need you. If you have done your work well, they don't need you; but they love, honor and respect you . They will value you all the days of your life.
It is the same thing with a spouse. Besides Divorce not being readily available prior to the 1930's, the other aspect of it was that life was a lot harder. There isn't a whole lot of me, me, me when you need both of you to survive.
All marriages are hard at some point. Most people quit too soon. Nobody is estatically happy all the time, it's not realistic. Marriages are a growth experience for everybody involved if you work at it. Marriage is not simply a union of 2 individuals it is a union of 2 individuals with the committment that the 3rd entity created, the marriage , will be succored and supported by both.
It is the 3rd institution the marriage that is the stable union that was designed to bring children into.
These gay unions are the worst of the me-ness infecting the world but straight failed marriages are also to blame. Most straight marriages end because it gets too hard.
The gay unions were never intended to be permanent and both partners know it. It is a "I want this and want it now" arrangement. They only last until the individuals want something or someone else. It is criminal to bring children into unions that are by nature unstable.
No one can make you happy if you are determined to be unhappy. The best attitude is one of gratitude.
Now I will politely get off my soapbox.
I hope you'll tell your son to be sure and vote for Jim Holt who is running against Blanche Lincoln. He's a true conservative (which is probably why he isn't getting any party money), a great guy and a FReeper. Perhaps he could even get involved with Jim's campaign.
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Good Photo!!!
I just sent it to my son.
Also his web-site.
BTW, I love your tag line.
I found that Scripture when Jimmah Carter was running for President.
I said, "Yep, that's me". I'm on God's side!!!
Oh, and I won't have to tell him to vote that way.
He will.
He gets on FR and Neal Boortz.
Yep. Get a kitty or a puppy or a guppy, instead.
I had long removed all amoo not only from the weapons, but from the house! And thankfully he was too drunk to be able to move quick enough when he tried to use the butt against my head.
I'm thankful that I am at a point in my life where not only can I talk about that time, but can actually laugh about it.
Good day.
I wish I could, laugh that is.
He keeps doing stupid sh*t like trying to steal the kids from their schools (TG for the teacher who gave me a heads-up. She and the vice-principal are both cops wives and smelled a rat with the "would it be okay if I took the kids to lunch?" crap.)
Last summer he called the DAY the kids were to be returned to me in OK to ask "When are you going to pick up the kids, bitch?" I could hear clinking ice and cigarette lighter-----we both smoke, no issue there, but I knew it was an I-think-I-am-too-cute-by-half thing. He had picked up the kids and was to drop them off here. I frantically got on the phone and called my attorney in PA who got a court order to have him bring them back NOW!
When he dropped off the boys, I stood out in the drive and he did that same menacing shit, balling up his fist and advancing toward me and I reflexively retreated. Man, I wish I had wailed him. Of course, I would be in jail and not him.
I am living in fear that I will have the same thing happen this next weekend when we transfer them to him in Illinois for their summer visit. I can't do anything about it since he has a court order to see them.
Good luck my FRiend, my prayers are with you.
Check out Trophy Children.
The Death Of FamilyFrom the article:
Dobson said more than 10,000 studies have confirmed that children do best when they have a committed mother and father.
"Social scientists argue about everything," he said.
They don't agree about anything. This one they agree about, that children do best under those kind of stable circumstances. And when you change it, well, let's put it this way: The findings have revealed that a child who has those characteristics at home – mother, father, committed – are less likely to be on drugs later on, they're less likely to be held back in school, they're less likely to drop out, they're less likely to be in juvenile crime.
For the girls, they're less likely to get pregnant as teenagers and they're more likely to be healthy emotionally and physically. That's what the research shows. And yet we're going pell-mell into a social experiment with, at the very best, unpredictable results. But some of us think we know where that is going.
"The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man. "
Interesting ... .
I suspect her conscience was telling her that this "relationship" her "two moms" had was not natrual or normal.
"Actually, my gay accountant is a Republican and she and her partner feel the same way this woman does about gays having children."
Any hope that this "couple" will also realize that their relationship isn't normal or healthy for them. It looks like their heading in the right direction with gays not having kids ... .
Her Youth & "Hormonal Upheaval" was "Taken Advantage of" by an Older Male WHO Should Have Known Better.
Doc
We're talking about my grandmother.
She was a tough gal and her husband, whom her father (who was no prince either) forced her into marriage.
Good for Gramma that she booted his sorry ass after he tried to give her the clap.
I'm amazed that my uncle has aged to 74 after Gramma gestatated him on flour gravy and stale bread while breastfeeding my aunt.
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