Posted on 07/10/2004 2:11:58 PM PDT by annyokie
ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS
It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."
But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.
Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.
What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?
"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."
Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."
Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."
She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."
Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?
(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER
I guess I missed it.
I thought you sounded a tad sanctimonious. I apologize if I was wrong.
Do any of you remember the thread in the last few days that named the 67 Senators that were not on board with the President concerning the Marriage Sanctity Act?
I've searched and haven't been able to find it.
You might try over at The Corner section of National Review on Line.
You'll have to scroll for ever, but they usually have everything.
How do you know?????????
There are no statistics that I am aware of......because in any state with no-fault laws, "incompatability" is the grounds.
And from my personal experience with divorcing and divorced friends, the vast majority are not merely unhappy with some aspect of their life situations and are unwilling to stick it out? Heck that described me, I was unhappy with the aspect of my life situation that included going to the emergency room, and having a gun put to my face. You bet I was unhappy.
Getting a divorce on the grounds of abuse or adultery involves public police reports or lots of money for private investigators, or both. No-fault laws have eliminated those obstacles, thankfully.
So in answer to your ridiculous question: Do you deny that most marriages ending in "incompatability" do so because the participants are merely unhappy with some aspect of their life situations and are unwilling to stick it out?
YES. And for the reasons I expressed above and in previous posts. Having to admit to being abused or cuckolded is embarrassing for most normal people.
I won't deny that many folks abuse the system just because, but I disagree that MOST people getting divorced do so.
You have every right to dislike and disapprove of divorce, but remember, you've got no knowledge of the circumstances behind it.
Please don't take offese, this is not personal, but I've been there, done it, until you've walked in the shoes of someone like me.........STFU.
I do not presume to judge anyone. That is not my place. But I do believe that we should judge what is and is not acceptable behavior in our culture, because it will effect all of us and our future generations. I do believe that there is right and wrong, and if something is wrong, it doesn't matter if 99.9% of the people say it is right, saying it doesn't make it so. I don't believe that God gave us rules to live by to keep us from ever having any fun or to "chain" us to unhappy relationships. He gave them to us as a gift so that we might be able to experience the freedom that can only exist within the boundaries of what He can bless. I believe that God wants to bless us and give us the most abundant life possible and that it grieves him when we refuse that gift, and as a result, heap pain and trouble upon ourselves. I believe it hurts Him in much the same way as it hurts us as parents to give our children the freedom to make their own choices and seeing them make the wrong ones, especially if they do it repeatedly without seeming to learn from their mistakes.
Please read my post #164.
Thanks!
Tonight in one of our churches here, there is going to be some kind of similcast about this.
I mentioned about the 67 Senators in Sunday School this morning and there was a gasp.
I had nothing to back up what I had said. So I thought I'd be ready to give the info tonight.
It was on a thread here the other day.
Two days?? Three days?? &:-)
But thanks I'll look.
Thanks.
When you scroll up the thread, you read where I and some others here have been taken to task for advocating divorce in some circumstances.
We all get a bit hot-headed at times, I'll be the first to admit that. I do get ticked when some people presume to know the circumstances of anothers life---especially through the blog-o-sphere.
You are a nice person and I have enjoyed your posts here and elsewhere on the board.
Wrong thinkers can insist that right reason requires us to regard it as healthy and good, but they can make no case for that position. The evidence is all against them. And even if it weren't, God's word is against them.
If I remember correctly, the SSAD "phase" was coined her at FR a few years ago.
How long ago was it that the AMA gave in to the Homosexuals blackmailers and took Sodomy off of the list of Mental Disorders? Twenty, 30 years?
Thanks for the post. (That is as far as I have read on this thread.) I am surprised that there are still some people here that think Homosexuality comes from Genetics
I certainly know many people who have divorced, and the vast majority have to do with simple unhappiness, not being slapped across the room.
I'm sorry that happened to you. No one ahould have to put up with that kind of abuse. But does that give you leave to be verbally abusive to me?
Amen! Looking down the barrel of a gun is not an experience I want to repeat. Thank God he was too drunk to pull back the slide.
That was the APA and it was 20 years ago. There is a tremendous amount of broohaha within the Psychiatric community about this declassification, BTW.
hehe ! It sounds like it. :^)
Yes, I remember saying that.
Unlike you, I left instead of getting a PFA - actually Delaware didn't have those back then. In all honesty I never called the cops on him, and lied in the emergency room, because I was too embarrassed......I did not want my name in the paper as being a victim of spousal abuse.
It took many years for me to be able to speak about it.
God Bless you for having the sense to get out and protect your children.
You deserve to be verbally abused. You have insulted and belittled people you know nothing about in a public forum.
Didn't your mother ever tell you to be careful what you say, and to whom and where and why?
It must suck to be you.
I know what you mean.
TG, most of the time when he was loosing it, the kids were already asleep. I was still on a first name recognize you in the supermarket basis with the cops in Pittsburgh, though.
Who wants to sound stupid about "walking into a door", "gee, that darn dog" insert excuse for the latest black eye or abrasion?
The only thing I have said is that most people do not leave marriage because of physical abuse. I have never said anyone should stay in a physically abusive situation. But apparently you don't care about the truth, only your perception of it.
My son has to use the computer now, so have at it.
You are entitled to your beliefs. They just don't happen to be the same as mine, which I am equally entitled to hold.
If you feel I was verbally abusive to you, so be it.......but if you reread what I said you will see that I prefaced my comment that it wasn't personal and no offense was meant.
Your disclaimer notwithstanding, it was abusive.
Stop trying to hijack threads with your idiocy. Go ahead and hide behind your "son" as a excuse to run off
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