Posted on 07/10/2004 2:11:58 PM PDT by annyokie
ADULT CHILDREN SPEAK OUT ABOUT SAME-SEX PARENTS
It was the TV pictures that first got to Bronagh Cassidy. Same-sex couples marrying in San Francisco: "They were so proud of themselves. And then they had these little children with them." Cassidy, a 27-year-old married mother of two, sighs. "Something inside of me wants to be able to help those kids, because I know they are going to have problems." Sound ignorant, maybe even bigoted? This week, as the Senate is expected to begin debate on a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, many voices will try to convince you that people like Cassidy are, as Cheryl Jacques, head of the Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights group, put it in a recent letter, "hate-filled people who will stop at nothing to achieve their discriminatory, offensive goals."
But Cassidy knows better: She is one of the first generation of "gayby boom" babies, raised by two moms. Adult children of same-sex parents are rare. I recently came across Cassidy's story by accident, after she e-mailed a friend of mine who is a family scholar.
Back in 1976, Cassidy's mom had a religious ceremony with a woman named Pat. To make Cassidy, they did artificial insemination at home, mixing the sperm of two gay friends "to make sure nobody would ever know who the father was," says Cassidy. (That was in the days before widespread DNA testing.) The two women stayed together for 16 years, until Pat died. Three years later, Cassidy's mother married a man.
What was it like for Cassidy being raised by two women she called "Mom" and "My Pat"?
"When growing up, I always had the feeling of being something unnatural," Cassidy says. "I came out of an unnatural relationship; it was something like I shouldn't be there. On a daily basis, it was something I was conflicted with. I used to wish, honestly that Pat wasn't there."
Why does she oppose same-sex marriage? "It's not something that a seal of approval should be stamped on: We shouldn't say it is a great and wonderful thing and then you have all these kids who later in life will turn around and realize they've been cheated. The adults choose to have that lifestyle and then have a kid. They are fulfilling their emotional needs -- they want to have a child -- and they are not taking into account how that's going to feel to the child; there's a clear difference between having same-sex parents and a mom and a dad."
Sounds judgmental in print. But up close, Cassidy comes across as fiercely protective of her mom (Cassidy is a pen name she's adopted to protect her mom's privacy). Like many children of same-sex parents, she was expected to defend and protect her mothers from society's homophobia. Her own troubled feelings about her family life were clearly unacceptable to her parents. Even now, the prospect of speaking about her own experience gives her the shakes.
Cassidy's story is not science. It's just her own feelings. Many researchers say most kids do just fine in these alternative family forms. Cassidy doesn't buy that research, though. "I don't think a fair study could be conducted because children currently in that family wouldn't necessarily be open to speaking their true feelings about it."
A few years back, she watched "20/20" interviews with children like her. "They were asked questions like: 'Are you happy? Do you love your parents?' I don't think it's fair to ask them those questions. These are their parents. They aren't going to say they are suffering, because they don't want to make their parents feel bad."
Some people will say if Cassidy's mom and "my Pat" had been legally married, everything would have been fine. Cassidy doesn't think so. "Even if society were open to it, there's just the whole issue of your self-identity. I always had the feeling I was in a lab experiment."
She feels driven to do something, say something to protect other children like her. "Whenever I see it on TV, something inside of me says NO. I don't think it's fair that the kids are being put in this situation. They don't have a choice about it."
Do any other adult children with same-sex parents feel the same way? Will we allow any space in this intense debate between adult combatants for something as simple as one child's feelings?
(Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at MaggieBox2004@yahoo.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2004 MAGGIE GALLAGHER
both are biblical grounds for divorce
Exactly.
I do, too.
But that's OK now........but heaven forbid if you are a tobacco smoker. There are actually websites promoting information on how to get custody away from a parent that smokes. And one of those sites is supported by someone that resembles the "parent" discussed in this article.
That's positively absurd, especially in light of the all the second hand smoke hype being debunked. Both my parents smoked. My mama even smoked when she was pregnant. I guess I should be dead, huh? Perhaps if a child has severe respiriatory problems then parents shouldn't smoke around that child, but beyond that, it is a matter of choice.
Actually far more divorces occur because of such extreme conditions than most people are aware of. One advantage of the advent of no-fault divorce laws is that the dirty laundry need not be aired.
While I am not an advocate of divorce for reasons of "finding oneself" the no-fault divorce laws have made it much easier for those who were previously afraid to get out.
Call me cynical or whatever, but I have no respect for anyone that remains in an abusive (physical, mental or emotional) relationship "for the children." Far more damage is done to the children then will happen due to a divorce.
Very good...... her partner and I have a running joke that we don't have anything to worry about when the two of them work late together!!!!
LOLOL ! :^D
I am stii inclined to believe that most divorces occur because of "incompatability" and an unwillingness to commit oneself for a lifetime.
I realize it is absurd, but I wouldn't say it if it were not true. Like you, both my parents smoked and I'm none the worse for wear. I'm 43 and chase after my 6 year old as well, if not better, than some of my non-smoking friends with children the same age. The weird thing is that the few kids I've ever known with respiratory problems, have non-smoking parents. But I do agree with you, smoking around those children is totally wrong and I would never dream of doing it.
I am in total agreement with you when it comes to reasons for divorce. There is no pride at all when I say I'm on my second marriage, in fact I find it to be rather embarrassing because I truly believe in "until death do us part." but as I said in another post, I didn't care to hang around for the death to be mine. Last month marked 16 years since my husband and I met....and we have totally run the gamut of 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health' in those years........and I wouldn't change a thing for anything in the world!
LOL!!!!
These 2 gals have been together for nearly 20 years and they are just a hoot to be around
Oh! What researchers? Did they tabulate the emptyness of the heart those kids grow up with?
I refused to stay in a marriage with an adulterous alchoholic who liked to beat me in front of the kids.
I guess God wanted my children to have a murdered mother and a jailbird father.
Yikes! You done good by your boy.
While I am not an advocate of divorce for reasons of "finding oneself" the no-fault divorce laws have made it much easier for those who were previously afraid to get out.
No-fault divorce equals "incompatability."
"Incompatability" is exactly the grounds I used when I filed for divorce. Far simpler and less embarrassing than having to file police reports to bring to court. The court proceedings might not be public record, but the police reports would have been.
You can believe whatever you wish, but speaking as someone who has not only been through the system, but was a reporter and spent 20+ years working in politics and with the legal system, I think I have a better handle on the subject.
The system worked for you. Okay. But most divorcing couples are not in that situation.
If she were I , I would start by putting holes in people, because my heart doesn't know love and hate or any emotion at all.
Unlike you, I was fortunate in that there were no children involved.
But it really doesn't matter does it? Those that have never been in the situation have absolutely no clue what hell is really like. I was very fortunate in that I had a network of friends that I didn't realize I had.....it was amazing how many local and state police cars drove by the house the morning 2 retired state troopers moved my furniture out and into my new apartment!
I think you missed the last part of my post, or maybe you just chose to ignore it. There are, and always have been, legitimate reasons for divorce, but they are few. I married, and divorced, the same alcoholic husband twice (even though he was not physically abusive), because I believed in the "till death do us part" portion of the covenant, and it took two priests to convince me that my husband had already broken that covenant and that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do.
I'm not judging anybody, just stating that all too often, couples take divorce as a first option when the going gets tough, and it will get tough in the best of marriages at times, when it should be the last resort and even then should be reserved for specific issues. "Irreconcilable differences" and "because we don't love each other any more" do not qualify and have little objective meaning. They are simply a cop out that is frequently used when one or both partners tire of working at their marriage and are looking for an escape route.
Well said.
You were lucky to get out when you did. I recall a post of yours some time ago wherein you related sleeping with one eye open since you were afraid the ex would set the bed on fire while smoking while drunk in bed.
I had to get a PFA (protection from abuse) and he still stole my car when we had very small accident prone children.
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