Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
Why is every1 (particularly - men, big surprise) so hung up/obsessed on sex? BTW, this is a liberal, hippie-generated hang-up.
Cake is NOT bread. Neither does all cake come out good, anyway (if it doesn't, it's closer to bread or bad biscuits). Some are so good you don't need the icing. Trust me, I've been eating alot of cake lately!
In short, it's always someone else's fault and they are the self righteous victim. Irresponsibility doesn't know a political party, "faith", gender or race.
You have it so right.
Just for the record, if Rush's marriage to Marta was his third, only two other women left him.
That would sure limit the potential pool for someone who is 6'3" as I am. The best of my exes was a foot shorter than me, and some of the worst met this illogical notion.
It is true because this advice is for guys. Guy will be honest with each other even brutally
But this advice would not be true for women because many women will automatically hate and be jealous of any guy their friends date and try to sabotage their relationships.
I think it is all HORMONE related....Men have tons of testosterone this is the sexual drug that both sexes need.
Women have half the amount women but have many hormones to deal with when it comes to reproduction, just like in the Animal World when a woman is ovulating she has much more sexual desire of course that is how GOD designed it so all living things would pro-create..
Of course this is the science version...
Yes, I find it encouraging, worth reading through the mucky muck to find. Thank you!
""Leave American women with nothing but dishonest and abusive men to spend their time with."
The author assumes that all American women are feminazis. Even here in the heart of suburbia, that's simply not the case. I'm certainly not, and I thank my lucky stars that my fiance didn't judge all American women based on the idiocy of a foolish, loud minority. Most women want to be married to a good, solid man and raise a family - even we "evil" American women."
Yes, I love how apparently all American women are of the same exact mold, but American men have 2 molds - good 1s like him, as well as bad 1s.
What a crock, painting all (women) w/the same exact brush. Are we not individuals? >:(
I probably should have posted this on the saddle club thread but Good Luck and I wish you a wonderful wedding and many happy years!
"If love and marriage were perfect, no one would ever get divorced."
If people were perfect there would be no divorce. All of us have our faults. It is the mature and typically those of "faith" that can work differences out.
My parents have been married 53 years. They've had their challenges and they chose to work the differences out.
Thank you! ~smiles~
My understanding is that this is Rush's FOURTH marriage so three other women left him; not two.
bump for later reading.
So true. If all women were the same, it would be easier to understand them and you would not have a whole cottage industry of "how to" figure them out. ;-) Besides, speaking personally, I love the mystery of trying to figure any particular one out.
I of course have the benefit of hindsight with which to score my wife, but she scores 9.5. Not bad. Probably explains a lot of why we just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
MM
Amen.
Rush is so full of himself, just as any famous person would be. A wife of such a person must recognize that she will be a supportive secondary person in this relation. Unfortunately, in our magazine, and TV shows, the only way for a woman to be happy, is if she is in control; she must be worshiped, catered too, obeyed, appreciated,....and she has to treat her guy as the media tell her: he is a buffoon, slob, uncool, stupid idiot......The result is eventual war of liberation. To hell with this crap, I want out of this, even if it costs me 50%!
My wife and I are from different cultures, different countries, different religons (when we got married), and even the military said we'd be divorced in less than 5 years.
We've now been together for 23 years, married for 21 years, and our relationship is better now than it ever has been.
She put up with a lot from me in our years of our marriage. I put up with a lot from her in our years of marriage.
Neither of us EVER considered a divorce.
Marriage is not something to be thrown away because things don't go just exactly the way you want them to.
A good marriage is hard work, love, happiness, sadness, and surprise.
In the vows we took it was, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part".
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