Email from Cooter

Jack Boudreau and yours truly, Cooter Thompson, have been deputized by the regulars down to Daryl's Bait Shop and Internet Café here in Lagniappe, Louisiana, to write to you again concerning your campaign to be President of the US of A on the Democratic Party ticket. Perhaps our two previous e-mails containing excellent tips went astray. It's been known to happen in a large organization. We've posted them at Conversations with Trentino where you can read them whenever you have the time.

It seems to us that you're uncomfortable with your campaign. We can understand that. It is hard work and you have been at it for a long time. But, take it from us, your sad, dour, grim, unhappy long face ain't exactly clicking with the voters. President serves for four years and is on television a lot. The prospect of having to stare at a gloom-doom sour puss night after night is enough to send even Armen Yazoo screaming off into the night. And ol' Armen, according to his ex-wife, Lorelei-Jean, slept through Hurricane Jessica and didn't so much as twitch when Hadley's Tank Farm exploded.

Me and Boudreau have read you denied having been Botoxicated. Nevertheless, your forehead behaves to the contrary. If there is an antidote to that Botoxin stuff, we recommend you spring for it, damn the expense. As it is, your resemblance to Lurch of the Addams Family ain't doing you a world of good.

We understand you got a lot on your mind, twice as much as ordinary folk because you seem to be on both sides of every question. Months ago, you disputed Dennis Kucinich and Howlin Howard about Iraq. You weren't then for buggin out. And you were calling for support of the troops. Now, we don't know where you stand, except you seem to be agreeing with the Hate America crowd, the folks who regard America as the chief terror threat, an evil sick nation, and would be evah-so-pleased if America was defeated. Sometime before the campaign ends, please clue us in.

You are back to complaining about the present high price of gasoline, saying it is George Bush's fault. But you ain't saying what you would be doing about lowering that price. Don't seem to us that raising our taxes, as you propose, would help that problem even one itty bit. It may just be that the price is high partly because the economy is getting stronger so there is more demand. We guess gas would be cheaper if there was a recession going on, but you can see we don't want to be going there.

Opening up the Alaska Wildlife Refuge to drilling and pumping oil might be what is needed. (Reminder: caribou don't vote.) And, surely, you know by now that gasohol production and subsidies ain't the way to go when the issue is cost. Making vehicle fuel out of corn is one stupid prescription.

We do not think your proposal for the government to hire kids right out of high school and put them to work as teachers and the like in inner cities for two years is an idea whose time has come. Better give it a decent burial. As the saying goes, it ain't worth a bucket of warm spit.

We are also concerned we don't hear much from you any more about your promise, if elected, to create 10 million jobs. You have clammed up on that, never once said how you would manage that. If those 10 million jobs were government jobs—easy work, lots of holidays and long vacations—we figger you could indeed create them. Don't matter much what they would be doing. But you got to be telling us how you intend to pay those people. We know enough economics to know there ain't such a thing as a free lunch. We're afraid you'll expect the likes of us guys down to Daryl's to pick up the tab. Thanks, but no thanks.

We've been hearing a new slogan from you. You been saying, Let America be America again. Sounds mighty good, though we don't especially care for that word "again"—are you out to turn the clock back to the time when men only married women and vice versa?

We will be writing you again soon, Senator, with suggestions for a suitable vice-presidential candidate. We've checked into it somewhat. Preliminarily, we have to advise you that although Britney Spears would be your ideal running mate, she is Constitutionally disqualified for being too young. And we aren't even sure she is a Democrat.

3 posted on 05/22/2004 9:05:05 AM PDT by nothingnew (KERRY: "If at first you don't deceive, lie, lie again!")

Let America be America again.... are you out to turn the clock back to the time when men only married women and vice versa?

DOH!

FMCDH

4 posted on 05/22/2004 9:07:26 AM PDT by nothingnew (KERRY: "If at first you don't deceive, lie, lie again!")

Naah. He wants to turn the clock back to the glory days of Woodstock.

There's more wisdom at Daryl's than in most of the country.

"...your proposal for the government to hire kids right out of high school and put them to work as teachers..."

I see. Hire the Slightly-above-stupid to teach the stupid. Not only would this drive up inefficiency, this is also an excellent way to get inflation soaring, start a good ol' fashioned recession, and make hiring in the private sector more difficult.

The more government interferes, the worse everything gets.

8 posted on 05/22/2004 1:46:45 PM PDT by HighWheeler (def.- Democrats: n. from Greek; “democ” - many; “rats” - ugly, filthy, bloodsucking parasites.)

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