Posted on 03/23/2004 2:43:58 AM PST by JohnHuang2
The coming religious 'Passion' of Hollywood
© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com
Mel Gibson's movie, "The Passion of the Christ," is approaching $300 million in box-office cash – and soon will surpass "Raiders of the Lost Ark," and perhaps even Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's amateur film, "Dumb and Hummer," in total worldwide earnings. One thing is certain: Hollywood is taking note, and is sure to begin offering up their own array of religious fare very shortly.
Like sharks with chum in the water, the arousal factor of that much cash floating around is what puts the "wood" in "Hollywood."
"The Passion" has made them true believers ... in how much money a religious film can make. Now Hollywood faces a burning question: How to get their hands on some of that money? One thing is for certain: Their movie could turn out to be somewhat embarrassing – if it's even possible to humiliate a town that put out "From Justin to Kelly," "Battlefield Earth" and "Glitter."
If Hollywood releases one more bomb, Homeland Security is going to send the entire town to Guantanamo Bay for questioning. As far as cheesy flicks, we haven't seen anything yet. I have a feeling that, in an effort to grab some of the religious scratch being spent, we've got a doozy of a bad Bible movie coming our way.
The first hurdle for Hollywood filmmakers will be in how to handle the criticism of their colleagues. They're in a business that is used to offending mainstream America. They do it all the time, and don't really give it a second thought. Those of us in "flyover country" are just yokels who ride tractors all day, play Bingo all night, and for Saturday night kicks, while snookered on Pabst Blue Ribbon, knock over sleeping cows and put firecrackers in the mouths of bullfrogs. To them, we're worthy, even deserving, of being picked on.
Attempting a film of similar scope and subject matter of "The Passion" means they'd have to risk ticking off Hollywood pals, which is a dicey game for them. They may lose no sleep over offending the general public, but the thought of not being invited to an A-list post Oscar party leaves them stricken with a level of panic not seen since Amelia Earhart turned to Fred Noonan and said, "I thought you brought the compass."
This is where the focus groups and test audiences will play a huge role before any mainstream Hollywood biblical production gets the green light for release – the last thing they should do. Gibson told an unfiltered story to the best of his knowledge and ability. The movie-going public were, and continue to be, intrigued by the honesty and integrity, because Hollywood usually offers neither – probably because it didn't play well with focus groups and test audiences.
By now, some screenwriter, probably several, have been secluded in offices, working on the next great biblical epic. This is where the beauty of independence would normally come in handy, but the Hollywood screenwriter, instead of going from paper to shooting of the film, will have to go through studio bureaucracy, more than likely only to have his "biblical epic" come back marked up with notes similar to the following:
"Locusts tested horribly. Replace them with Cockatoos, and make one of them have the ability to speak – just one more voiceover part and we're done with our contractual obligation to Gilbert Gottfried."
"Alec Baldwin has refused to play Nebuchadnezzar unless we can deflect a little fault away from his character and come up with a metaphor that blames the destruction of Jerusalem on Halliburton. Have a re-write on my desk by Monday."
"Put a song and dance number in the Garden of Eden scene. Need I remind you of the success of a little thing I did called 'Moulin Rouge'? Hellooo!"
"Add a couple of parts for Stiller and Wilson before the graphics guys at Pixar are finished programming the 12 disciples ... I doubt if anyone will notice that there are 14."
However embarrassing any upcoming Hollywood biblical production turns out, at least Mel Gibson's draw should help bring the Bible back into the discussion around movie studio meeting rooms. "The Passion," more specifically, the money it has earned, has filled Tinsel Town with a new resolve, and the thought of all that money will help even some of the most vehement of atheists find religion.
Because of the success of "The Passion," somewhere out there, big-time screenwriters and directors are sitting in Malibu offices, re-writing the Bible. What the finished product will be like is still unknown, but it's a pretty good bet that it will contain a car-chase scene and all the teenagers will be played by 35-year-olds.
"Sampson and the Fab Five - Queer eye for a muscular guy" - The Fab five are somehow transported back to biblical times where they helped a huge strapping neanderthal with no sense of color coordination defeat fashion sin in the ancient world.
"Noah and the Party-Ark" - It looks like just another boring 40 days and 40 nights when two smarter and attractive misfits (played by Alex Baldwin and Janeane Garafolo) show up and "rock the boat". (Some scenes not suitable for small children)
"Jesus and Bob" - What's the "King Of The Jews" without his nutty side-kick Bob, who can't help himself but to stir up trouble whereever they go only so that Jesus can get him out of it. In this episode, Bob forgets to pack lunch for a big sermon on a local mountain that Jesus plans to give, leading to a near riot before Jesus...
They are so clueless they have no idea...If they think the "POC" is just some religious film that "they" could make and people will flock to see it just proves they have no idea what makes this movie great.
Clue: Truth
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