A Little Tension Breaker: Airline Humor

Email from relative | 21 March 2004 | Unknown

[RightOnline]

[We've all seen these kind of things before, but as a former AF airplane driver myself, have to say this was the funniest such collection I've ever seen. Hope y'all enjoy these as much as we did here.]

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Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[RightOnline]

Ping, son. Enjoy.

[united1000]

(few more)

ATC Commentsinteresting stories....

the SR-71 blackbird flies in excess of 2,000 mph...mabe 3,000 mph... it's a secret.. and flys at 100,000 to 120,000 feet high.... here's some stories from pilots....

In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.

"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."120 knots" Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared ...

[leadpenny]

I didn't personally hear this but was told it happened at Dulles:

A Lufthansa flight was taxiing for takeoff when the tower told them they were #1 and to taxi into position and hold. The crew told the tower their head count was off and were missing a passenger and would need to pull off into the holding area until they straightened it out. A few seconds later someone keyed their mic and in a slow German accent said, "Have you checked the ovens?"

The next thing out of the tower was, "Knock it off!"

[united1000]

(found these old ones)

Enclosed are excerpts from Colonel Archie Clapp's famous treatise on Aviation:

"ARCHIE CLAPP'S BASIC FLIGHT MANUAL FOR FLEDGLING PILOTS WHO HAVEN'T FLOWN VERY MUCH YET." (Ugly Angel Press, 1962, all rights reserved).

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

* The Rotor is just a big fan on top of the a/c to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It's best to keep the Rotors on top as much as possible.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

* Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a pilot who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a pilot.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

* Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

 

[united1000]

Flying A B-5 A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot." The B-5 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

[ASOC]

I was on a Delta flight out of KC, the cockpit door opened and we saw a mecanic pull down an overhead panel, and start pounding away in the overhead with a broomstick. The lady acoss the passageway freaked out.
Told it had to be OK, if it wasn't, the mechanic would be using a hammer, not a broom stick.
BTW, I dont fly Delta if I can avoid it.

[Truth29]

bump for later merriment.

[Vinnie]

Thanks, Sent these to my son . He's in the industry ( not a pilot).

[Archangelsk]

* Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

LOFL and ping.

[hoagy62]

From Reader's Digest "Humor in Uniform"

Back in the 60's, a C-124 Globemaster II had taxied to a crossing in the taxiway at an Air Force base. Sitting on the crossing near the other taxiway was an F-4 fighter. Both sat there, unsure of who had the right-of-way.

Finally, the F-4 pilot, tired of waiting, called the tower:"Ground Control, what are the intentions of the -124?"

Without hesitation, the clamshell nose doors of the Globemaster started to open, and this low,sonorous voice came over the radio " I'm going to eat you!"

[ArmstedFragg]

A reported communication on a heavy going into DFW:

There was a considerable amount of traffic that day, and ATC had given the aircraft several speed reductions, despite the increasing level of incredulity evident in the co-pilot's voice as each was acknowledged.

Finally, in response to yet another slow down, he said "DFW, are you aware of the stall speed of this aircraft?"

To which ATC replied, "no sir, but if you'll check with your pilot I'm pretty sure he knows".

[facedown]

Bump; ping.

[kilowhskey]

This one is my all-time favorite:

One fine hot summer afternoon a Cessna 150 was flying in the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The instructor was getting quite bothered with the student's inability to maintain altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient at sometimes having to take the controls.

Just then he saw a twin engine Cessna 402 about 5,000' above him and thought "Another 1,000 hrs of this and I qualify for that twin charter job!

Aaahh..to be a real pilot..going somewhere!"

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The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter was for one of the company's premier clients. He'd already pegged the MCT (max cylinder temp) and the cylinders didn't like it in the heat of this Summer's day.

He was at 6,000' and the winds were now a 20 knots "on the nose." Today was his 6th day flying without a break and he was pretty damn tired of fighting these engines. Maybe if he got 10,000' out of them the wind might die off...jeez those cylinder temps! He looked out momentarily and saw a Boeing 737 leaving a contrail at FL 330 in the serene blue sky.

"Oh man" he thought, "My interview is next month. I hope I just don't blow it! Out of general aviation and into a nice jet, above the weather... no snotty passengers to wait for.. aahhh."

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The B737 bucked and weaved in the heavy CAT (clear air turbulence) at FL330 and ATC advised that a lower altitude was not available due to traffic.

The Captain, was also advised that his destination was below approach minimums and had slowed to LRC (long range cruise) to conserve fuel and try to hold off a possible diversion to an alternate airport.

Arriving later than planned might give the fog enough time to lift enough to allow him to make an approach. The negotiations between the pilot's union and the airline had broken down yesterday and looked as if everyone was going to take a damn pay cut. The F/O's will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn't anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a speed compromise between LRC and turbulence penetration speed, the Captain looked up and saw a Concorde high above at Mach 2+. Tapping his F/O's shoulder as the 737 took another bashing, he said "Now THAT'S what we should be on... huge pay ...super fast... not too many routes... not too many legs... above the CAT...yeah! that's the ticket!

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High above in the Concorde...The captain was cursing ATC, FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and he considered requesting FL570. Already the TAT (turbine temp) was creeping up again and either they would have to descend or slow down. That damn rear fuel transfer pump was becoming unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter was not reading numbers that he'd like to see. ATC cleared the Concorde to FL570, but the radiation was still quite high even though the pre-flight briefing had indicated everything was fine below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over the Atlantic. Looking up, the F/O could see a tiny white dot moving against the backdrop of a myriad of stars. "Hey Captain" he called as he pointed. "Must be the Shuttle.

~~~~~~~~~~

The Captain looked for a moment and agreed. Quietly he thought how a Shuttle mission, while complicated, must be the be all and end all in aviation. Above the crap, no radiation problems, no damn fuel transfer problems...
Aaah!, must be a great way to earn a buck."

Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200' off from nominal rendezvous altitude with the commsat. The robot arm was virtually useless and a walk may become necessary. The 200' error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that fuel if a walk was to be required.

Houston continually asked what the Commander wanted to do but the advice they proffered wasn't much help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out the problem and just wanted 10 minutes to himself to take a leak. Just then a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope.

"Have a look at this sir, isn't this the kinda flying you said you wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?" The Commander peered through the telescope and cried "Ooooohhhhh yeah! Now THAT'S flying! Man, that's what
it's all about! Jeez, I'd give my left nut just to be doing THAT down there!"

~~~~~~~~

What the Discovery Commander was looking at was a Cessna
150 in the pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny afternoon.

Boy, I'll tell you... pilots are never happy unless they are drinking beer, looking for a better job and bitching!

[Not A Snowbird]

Seen most of these... husband is a pilot... but they're still funny every time I read them!

[Ichneumon]

The absolute best collection of aviation quotes on the internet (including funny, profound, philosophical, and moving): SkyGod.com: Great Aviation Quotes -- Quotations on Flying, with many separate pages for quotes in different categories.

"Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?" — Anon

"What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?" — Gary Larson, in a well-known 'Farside' cartoon.

"But to fly is just like swimming. You do not forget easily. I have been on the ground for more than ten years. If I close my eyes, however, I can again feel the stick in my right hand, the throttle in my left, the rudder bar beneath my feet. I can sense the freedom and the cleanliness and all the things which a pilot knows." — Saburo Sakai, Tokyo, 1956. Japan's greatest living ace with 64 kills, who was banned from flying at the end of W.W. II. From the foreword to 'Samurai!'

"Ma, I love yah." — last recorded words from PSA 182, after a fatal mid-air with a Cessna over San Diego, 25 September 1978. The unidentified voice was one of the pilots, the flight engineer, or a company pilot riding the jumpseat

[gcruse]

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

I know the area well, and yes, this would work.

[HighWheeler]

Only on Southwest Airlines . . . . .

A mother and her 5 year old boarded a plane, and he asked why there were no baby airplanes. After all, he knew there were baby horses and baby sheep and baby dogs and baby cats: why not baby airplanes?

“Why don’t you go ask the flight attendant?” suggested the mother.

So off the boy goes, and puts his question to the flight attendant.

She takes a breath, smiles and asks, “Did your mommy say you should ask me that?”

The boy nods his head yes.

“Well, you tell her it’s because we always pull out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.”

[Paulus Invictus]

On our flight to St. Louis last week, the Southwest stew forgot where we were headed and on arrival at the airport said, "Welcome to......errr.. wherever the hell we are now."

[BartMan1]

bump for a great read...

[The Coopster]

Bump..