A Little Tension Breaker: Airline Humor

Email from relative | 21 March 2004 | Unknown

[RightOnline]

Ping, son. Enjoy.

[united1000]

(few more)

ATC Commentsinteresting stories....

the SR-71 blackbird flies in excess of 2,000 mph...mabe 3,000 mph... it's a secret.. and flys at 100,000 to 120,000 feet high.... here's some stories from pilots....

In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.

"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."120 knots" Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

----------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared ...

[leadpenny]

I didn't personally hear this but was told it happened at Dulles:

A Lufthansa flight was taxiing for takeoff when the tower told them they were #1 and to taxi into position and hold. The crew told the tower their head count was off and were missing a passenger and would need to pull off into the holding area until they straightened it out. A few seconds later someone keyed their mic and in a slow German accent said, "Have you checked the ovens?"

The next thing out of the tower was, "Knock it off!"

[united1000]

(found these old ones)

Enclosed are excerpts from Colonel Archie Clapp's famous treatise on Aviation:

"ARCHIE CLAPP'S BASIC FLIGHT MANUAL FOR FLEDGLING PILOTS WHO HAVEN'T FLOWN VERY MUCH YET." (Ugly Angel Press, 1962, all rights reserved).

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back then they get bigger again)

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

* The Rotor is just a big fan on top of the a/c to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* It's best to keep the Rotors on top as much as possible.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

* Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a pilot who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a pilot.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

* Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a draw.

 

[united1000]

Flying A B-5 A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot." The B-5 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

[ASOC]

I was on a Delta flight out of KC, the cockpit door opened and we saw a mecanic pull down an overhead panel, and start pounding away in the overhead with a broomstick. The lady acoss the passageway freaked out.
Told it had to be OK, if it wasn't, the mechanic would be using a hammer, not a broom stick.
BTW, I dont fly Delta if I can avoid it.

[Truth29]

bump for later merriment.

[Vinnie]

Thanks, Sent these to my son . He's in the industry ( not a pilot).

[Archangelsk]

* Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

LOFL and ping.

[hoagy62]

From Reader's Digest "Humor in Uniform"

Back in the 60's, a C-124 Globemaster II had taxied to a crossing in the taxiway at an Air Force base. Sitting on the crossing near the other taxiway was an F-4 fighter. Both sat there, unsure of who had the right-of-way.

Finally, the F-4 pilot, tired of waiting, called the tower:"Ground Control, what are the intentions of the -124?"

Without hesitation, the clamshell nose doors of the Globemaster started to open, and this low,sonorous voice came over the radio " I'm going to eat you!"

[ArmstedFragg]

A reported communication on a heavy going into DFW:

There was a considerable amount of traffic that day, and ATC had given the aircraft several speed reductions, despite the increasing level of incredulity evident in the co-pilot's voice as each was acknowledged.

Finally, in response to yet another slow down, he said "DFW, are you aware of the stall speed of this aircraft?"

To which ATC replied, "no sir, but if you'll check with your pilot I'm pretty sure he knows".

[facedown]

Bump; ping.

[kilowhskey]

This one is my all-time favorite:

One fine hot summer afternoon a Cessna 150 was flying in the pattern at a quiet country airfield. The instructor was getting quite bothered with the student's inability to maintain altitude in the thermals and was getting impatient at sometimes having to take the controls.

Just then he saw a twin engine Cessna 402 about 5,000' above him and thought "Another 1,000 hrs of this and I qualify for that twin charter job!

Aaahh..to be a real pilot..going somewhere!"

~~~~~~~~~

The Cessna 402 was already late and the boss told him this charter was for one of the company's premier clients. He'd already pegged the MCT (max cylinder temp) and the cylinders didn't like it in the heat of this Summer's day.

He was at 6,000' and the winds were now a 20 knots "on the nose." Today was his 6th day flying without a break and he was pretty damn tired of fighting these engines. Maybe if he got 10,000' out of them the wind might die off...jeez those cylinder temps! He looked out momentarily and saw a Boeing 737 leaving a contrail at FL 330 in the serene blue sky.

"Oh man" he thought, "My interview is next month. I hope I just don't blow it! Out of general aviation and into a nice jet, above the weather... no snotty passengers to wait for.. aahhh."

~~~~~~~~~~

The B737 bucked and weaved in the heavy CAT (clear air turbulence) at FL330 and ATC advised that a lower altitude was not available due to traffic.

The Captain, was also advised that his destination was below approach minimums and had slowed to LRC (long range cruise) to conserve fuel and try to hold off a possible diversion to an alternate airport.

Arriving later than planned might give the fog enough time to lift enough to allow him to make an approach. The negotiations between the pilot's union and the airline had broken down yesterday and looked as if everyone was going to take a damn pay cut. The F/O's will be particularly hard hit as their pay wasn't anything to speak of anyway. Finally deciding on a speed compromise between LRC and turbulence penetration speed, the Captain looked up and saw a Concorde high above at Mach 2+. Tapping his F/O's shoulder as the 737 took another bashing, he said "Now THAT'S what we should be on... huge pay ...super fast... not too many routes... not too many legs... above the CAT...yeah! that's the ticket!

~~~~~~~~~

High above in the Concorde...The captain was cursing ATC, FL590 was not what he wanted anyway and he considered requesting FL570. Already the TAT (turbine temp) was creeping up again and either they would have to descend or slow down. That damn rear fuel transfer pump was becoming unreliable and the F/E had said moments ago that the radiation meter was not reading numbers that he'd like to see. ATC cleared the Concorde to FL570, but the radiation was still quite high even though the pre-flight briefing had indicated everything was fine below FL610. Fuel flow was up and the transfer pump was intermittent. Evening turned into night as they passed over the Atlantic. Looking up, the F/O could see a tiny white dot moving against the backdrop of a myriad of stars. "Hey Captain" he called as he pointed. "Must be the Shuttle.

~~~~~~~~~~

The Captain looked for a moment and agreed. Quietly he thought how a Shuttle mission, while complicated, must be the be all and end all in aviation. Above the crap, no radiation problems, no damn fuel transfer problems...
Aaah!, must be a great way to earn a buck."

Discovery was into its 27th orbit and perigee was 200' off from nominal rendezvous altitude with the commsat. The robot arm was virtually useless and a walk may become necessary. The 200' error would necessitate a corrective burn and Discovery needed that fuel if a walk was to be required.

Houston continually asked what the Commander wanted to do but the advice they proffered wasn't much help. The Commander had already been 12 hours on station sorting out the problem and just wanted 10 minutes to himself to take a leak. Just then a mission specialist, who had tilted the telescope down to the surface for a minute or two, called the Commander to the scope.

"Have a look at this sir, isn't this the kinda flying you said you wanted to do after you finish up with NASA?" The Commander peered through the telescope and cried "Ooooohhhhh yeah! Now THAT'S flying! Man, that's what
it's all about! Jeez, I'd give my left nut just to be doing THAT down there!"

~~~~~~~~

What the Discovery Commander was looking at was a Cessna
150 in the pattern at a quiet country airfield on a nice bright sunny afternoon.

Boy, I'll tell you... pilots are never happy unless they are drinking beer, looking for a better job and bitching!

[Not A Snowbird]

Seen most of these... husband is a pilot... but they're still funny every time I read them!

[Ichneumon]

The absolute best collection of aviation quotes on the internet (including funny, profound, philosophical, and moving): SkyGod.com: Great Aviation Quotes -- Quotations on Flying, with many separate pages for quotes in different categories.

"Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?" — Anon

"What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds?" — Gary Larson, in a well-known 'Farside' cartoon.

"But to fly is just like swimming. You do not forget easily. I have been on the ground for more than ten years. If I close my eyes, however, I can again feel the stick in my right hand, the throttle in my left, the rudder bar beneath my feet. I can sense the freedom and the cleanliness and all the things which a pilot knows." — Saburo Sakai, Tokyo, 1956. Japan's greatest living ace with 64 kills, who was banned from flying at the end of W.W. II. From the foreword to 'Samurai!'

"Ma, I love yah." — last recorded words from PSA 182, after a fatal mid-air with a Cessna over San Diego, 25 September 1978. The unidentified voice was one of the pilots, the flight engineer, or a company pilot riding the jumpseat

[gcruse]

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

I know the area well, and yes, this would work.

[HighWheeler]

Only on Southwest Airlines . . . . .

A mother and her 5 year old boarded a plane, and he asked why there were no baby airplanes. After all, he knew there were baby horses and baby sheep and baby dogs and baby cats: why not baby airplanes?

“Why don’t you go ask the flight attendant?” suggested the mother.

So off the boy goes, and puts his question to the flight attendant.

She takes a breath, smiles and asks, “Did your mommy say you should ask me that?”

The boy nods his head yes.

“Well, you tell her it’s because we always pull out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.”

[Paulus Invictus]

On our flight to St. Louis last week, the Southwest stew forgot where we were headed and on arrival at the airport said, "Welcome to......errr.. wherever the hell we are now."

[BartMan1]

bump for a great read...

[The Coopster]

Bump..