New crop of Bad Country Music Titles (Humor)

The Columbus Dispatch ^ | March 7, 2004 | Mike Harden

[johnandrhonda]

Time to praise a new crop of bad titles in country music Sunday, March 07, 2004 MIKE HARDEN

Last week, while perusing compact discs for my annual list of the Worst Country Music Song Titles of All Time (Until the Next Time), I happened upon a LeAnn Rimes recording titled The Early Years.

One can only assume that the ‘‘early years" for the 21-yearold former child phenom must mean the prenatal period.

Then again, in an industry where bad-hat acts and bare navels are over the hill at 40, age 21 might be considered middle-aged.

I won’t complain, however, as long as the business keeps churning out bad song titles.

To that end, to make room for this year’s crop, could we have a moment of reverential silence for 10 classic titles that make up the latest inductees into the Bad Country Music Song Title Hall of Fame?

Here are the 10: My Wife Thinks You’re Dead, Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox If I Die, Let’s Do Something Cheap and Superficial, Here’s a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares), Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart, You Ain’t Woman Enough (To Take My Man), You Make My Heart Want a Dip of Snuff, If the Jukebox Took Teardrops (I’d Cry All Night Long), If 10 Percent Is Good Enough for Jesus (It Ought To Be Good Enough for the IRS) and Did I Shave My Legs for This?

Those songs take their place on Music City Memory Row alongside I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You.

The tunes listed below can only hope that posterity holds such a hallowed resting place for them:

• She Don’t Love Me More Than NASCAR

• Being Drunk’s a Lot Like Loving You

• It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing

• Don’t Leave, I Think I Love You

• Double Wide Paradise

• Pink Flamingo Kind of Love

• Three Minute, Positive, Not-Too-Country, Up-Tempo Love Song

• I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying

• She Ran Away With the Rodeo Clown

• It Didn’t Look Like Alcohol

• I Laugh When I Think How I Cried Over You

• Miller, Jack & Mad Dog

• Dim Lights, Thick Smoke and Loud, Loud Music

• I Thought the Wreck Was Over

• Wavin’ My Heart Goodbye

• Musta Notta Gotta Lotta

• I’d Sure Hate To Break Down Here

• Too Lazy To Work, Too Nervous To Steal

• Cupid Shot Us Both With One Arrow

• My In-Laws Are Outlaws

• No Man in His Wrong Heart

• Unburn All Our Bridges

• Daddy Made the Dollars, Momma Made the Sense

• Heaven Is Missing an Angel

• I Found Jesus on the Jailhouse Floor

• She Used To Say That to Me

• She’s an I’ve-Got-To-Have-You Girl

• 800-Pound Jesus

• Sadly Ever After

• Suckin’ a Big Bottle of Gin

• I Wish I Felt This Way at Home

• You’ve Taken Me Places I Wish I’ve Never Been

• You’re Not in Kansas Anymore

• Refried Dreams

• Lipstick on the Radio

• Wild Women Don’t Get the Blues

• Looking for a Heartbreak Like You

• Forget About Forgetting You

• Some Guys Have All the Love

• I Hit the Ground Crawlin’

• God Made Woman on a Good Day

• She Wants Me To Stay — Stay Gone

• Tears Don’t Care Who Cried Them

• Things Your Daddy Wouldn’t Want Us To Do

• Breaking Hearts and Taking Names

• I Know a Wall When I See One

• Beer for My Horses

• Nothing Catches Jesus by Surprise

• I Slipped and Fell in Love

• Designated Drinker

• If It Ain’t One Thing (It’s You)

• It’s Alright To Be a Redneck

• I Don’t Need Booze (To Get the Buzz On)

• I Don’t Want To Hang Out With Me

• Burn Down the Trailer Park

• White Lies and Picket Fences

• I Don’t Believe I’ll Fall in Love (Today)

• I Know an Ending When It Comes

• A Bible and a Bus Ticket Home

• Cure for the Common Heartache

• From Hillbilly Heaven to Honky Tonk Hell

• Angel Without a Prayer

• Doin’ What Comes Easy to a Fool

• We Always Fight When We Drink Gin

• Between Ragged and Wrong

• Keg in the Closet

• How Come I Ain’t Dead?

• My Cellmate Thinks I’m Sexy

• Jesus Loves Me (But He Can’t Stand

You)

Mike Harden is a Dispatch columnist.

mharden@dispatch.com

[johnandrhonda]

Annual list put out by Mike Harden. Post your own favorites for the enjoyment of your fellow Freepers!

[GraniteStateConservative]

If 10 Percent Is Good Enough for Jesus (It Ought To Be Good Enough for the IRS)

Sorry, man, It's "Good Enough for Uncle Sam."

[boxerblues]

• Beer for My Horses

I thought the list was a parody or he just doesn't like Toby Keith

[Izzy Dunne]

My all time favorite was "I went to bed at 2 with a 10, woke up at 10 with a 2."

[GraniteStateConservative]

My Wife Thinks You’re Dead

And Junior Brown is awesome. You get your money's worth with him.

[Izzy Dunne]

Dim Lights, Thick Smoke and Loud, Loud Music

Jerry Garcia's side band (not the Grateful Dead). 1974,1975... What was the name of that band ?

[RebelBanker]

I object to Beer for My Horses being on that list!

[The_Victor]

My favorite was always Loretta Lynn's "Pregnant Again".

[kahoutek]

All-time favorite.....

"Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life"

[Preachin']

One of my all time favorites was "Your Wife's Been Cheatin' on Us Again."

[southernnorthcarolina]

I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You

[Sophie]

Here's another one:

It Took a Long Time to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take him Long.

[ClearCase_guy]

Cats Under The Stars?

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

He missed the best all-time:

IF I TOLD YOU YOU HAD A NICE BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?

[LeftIsSinister]

Three Minute, Positive, Not-Too-Country, Up-Tempo Love Song

So Shania Twain has a new single out, eh?

[19th LA Inf]

"Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

How about the parody title:

YOU TOOK A LONG TIME TO LEAVE ME, LUCILLE.

or the Cartalk parody time:

YOU PICKED A FINE TIME TO LEAVE ME, LOOSE WHEEL

[Fresh Wind]

Jerry Garcia's side band (not the Grateful Dead). 1974,1975... What was the name of that band ?

New Riders of the Purple Sage. Actually, this long predates the Dead, written by Joe and Rose Lee Maphis in 1952. It's a helluva good song, too, and doesn't belong on this dumb list.

[reformed_democrat]

My favorite was always Loretta Lynn's "Pregnant Again".

Didn't she do "You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly"?

[barker]

IF I TOLD YOU YOU HAD A NICE WONDERFUL BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME? Bellamy Brothers.