Canada AmBushed by loose Conan

The Gazette ^ | February 14, 2004 | JOSH FREED

[Columbine]

American talk-show host Conan O'Brien turned out to be Conan the Barbarian on his road show into Canada this week. His NBC program threw oil and matches down our national fault line Thursday night with crude jokes about French Canadians.

The show featured a puppet called Triumph the Insult Dog, which wandered around Quebec City's winter carnival, sporting a French beret. It stopped Quebecers in the street and said stuff like: "So you're French and Canadian, yes? So you're obnoxious and dull?"

Also: "You're in North America. ... Learn the language!"

Thanks for the insults, Conan. Somehow you forgot to step on Quebec's flag or make any frog jokes. I guess your show's "comedy" writers weren't up to date on their stereotypes.

O'Brien was in Toronto to help "save" the city from the tourism crisis caused by SARS, but he managed to fan a national crisis instead. Ottawa politicians were in damage mode all day yesterday, denouncing Conan's remarks - the first time NDP leader Jack Layton and Conservative leadership candidate Stephen Harper have ever agreed on anything.

On the plus side, Conan did save Don Cherry from all the flak he's been getting for his latest bit of franco-bashing. Compared with Conan, Cherry suddenly looks like an intellectual.

Next time Conan comes to Canada we should put him on a seven-second delay instead of Cherry. Or a 24-hour delay.

The "funniest" thing about O'Brien's show is the federal and Ontario governments poured $1 million of our tax dollars into the visit. This for a late-night U.S. show that only gets 3 million viewers, mostly college sophomores who like jokes about beer and burps.

O'Brien is a Harvard graduate, but he's been doing high school jokes about Canada on his show all week, slaying young Torontonians with moose, mountie and igloo routines, followed by the tasteless Quebec skit. Given the outcry yesterday, Conan will probably go home convinced we Quebecers are a humourless winter people who can't take a joke.

But I wonder how he'd feel if we let Canada's Insulting Beaver Puppet loose on U.S. TV to yuk it up about Sept. 11. We all have our raw nerves and O'Brien just hit ours. Where will this loose Conan take his show next? Maybe Ireland, where he could try out his Catholic-Protestant jokes?

The worst part is this was already a politically charged week with Quebec and Canada facing off over the Cherry incident. Then came the Alphonso Gagliano scandal, which ticked off many English Canadians who think Ottawa throws away too much money by pandering to Quebec. Then came O'Brien's remarks, which will probably set off another English-French feud. I don't want to be a conspiracy theory nut, but why is this happening at the same time? Military leaders say: "Once is incidence, twice is coincidence, and three times is enemy action."

So is someone secretly behind this trouble, an enemy of Canada trying to get under our national skin and put an end to our current linguistic calm? Who gains by hurting Canada? Is this another Al-Qa'ida plot to pay Canadians back for Afghanistan? Could this be some Jacques Parizeau scheme?

No, I have a better theory.

For the last two years we Canadians have become more and more distant from a U.S. run by George W. Bush. We've proposed legalizing pot laws and gay marriage. We've refused to fight in Iraq. We've become so anti-Bush a poll in last week's Maclean's magazine found only 15 per cent of Canadians would vote for him as a leader.

Could it be that our growing U.S. criticism has set the Bush government out for revenge? Do the Americans secretly want to split up our two solitudes so they can pick up the pieces? Could the last week's events be part of a CIA plot to grab our oil, lumber, water and snow? Or our few remaining hockey stars?

I don't want to be paranoid, but is Conan O'Brien a CIA operative? Is his Insulting puppet a puppet of the CIA?

Fellow Canadians - English and French alike - don't be duped by this Yankee scheme to divide and conquer our country.

Let's resist the urge to get angry at each other and try to stay calm. We Canadians have enough problems of our own - we don't need foreigners to create more.

josh_freed@hotmail.com

[gcruse]

. I don't want to be a conspiracy theory nut, but why is this happening at the same time?

Alright, now.  Which Freeper wrote this article?  I can think of at least a dozen who'd say this.

[SaveTheChief]

i really wish we could take a giant jackhammer and seperate ourselves from canada. let them protect themselves.

To be honest, I am more concerned about Mexico and the subversive plot to take over our country by way of immigration, leagal or otherwise.

More immigrants means more families. More families means more children. More children means more US citizens who will be taught from a very young age that their first loyalty lies south of the Rio Grande. These children will grow up to be voters, and you can probably imagine the possibility of our country being governed by proxy.

[bravo whiskey]

i have never heard of this. just finished reading two books on the texas city explosion of 1947. sounds like similar events and, like 9/11, the firefighters were right in the middle doing their job, God bless 'em.

[Romish_Papist]

This guy needs to take off the tin-foil.

[McGavin999]

Uh.....did it ever occur to anyone that if you hire an "insult dog" the chances are you're going to be insulted?

[raloxk]

"But I wonder how he'd feel if we let Canada's Insulting Beaver Puppet loose on U.S. TV to yuk it up about Sept. 11"

God the Canadians are thin skinned. Plus the ydont take terrorism seriously

[.cnI redruM]

That Conan The Barbarian, what can you do with him?

[Democratshavenobrains]

Hey Canada: IT'S CALLED FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!! We take that as seriously as you do gay marraige and socialism.

[sarasmom]

I watch Conan sometimes, and he is only ever on late night TV-long after bedtime for children.
I dont find the "insult dog" segments at all funny, but apparently some people like that sort of schtick.
With Conan, its always a mixed bag of fairly tasteless adult humor, with something to offend everyone.
Sounds like Canada is acting as dumb as the NFL half-time planners.
They got exactly what they paid for, and now want to whine about it!

[PoorMuttly]

Who can predict what a surly, talking dog will say...especially one who smokes cigars...like Muttly (although his are often the bubblegum kind)...?....

[KangarooJacqui]

Sounds like Conan was in his usual form, then.

I have an idea. Let him bring his show to Australia and let loose a kangaroo puppet in the streets of Brisbane or Sydney or Melbourne or wherever... and let him try making jokes about kangaroos and being upside down and throwing a shrimp on the barbie and all the tired old cliches, and someone would just smack him upside the head fairly quickly.

Now, that I'd pay to see... (and since Conan is only on cable down here, I'd HAVE to!)

[King Prout]

good comedy causes pain.
the best comedy causes reflection.
I might need to look into this "Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog" - seems I might be missing something good.

[NorthOf45]

Yeah, you're right.

http://www.frontpagemagazine.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=12138

I'd worry about your own back doors. This pointing-the-terrorism-finger is getting old.

[proud American in Canada]

"Given the outcry yesterday, Conan will probably go home convinced we Quebecers are a humourless winter people who can't take a joke."

But... they are. At least when it's English Canadians or Americans joking about them.

[raloxk]

saw that story. those people need ot be fired. however that doesnt take away from the fact that Canadians equated making fun of QB, with 9/11

[NorthOf45]

Only a small minority of Canadians ... please don't generalize. I see articles like that and I cringe. The media needs a backhand, especially MacLeans.

[raloxk]

this is wha thappens when there is a one party state. I think one of the problems Canada has is that the country is basically averse to knock down drag out fight, the type Gingrich was able to wage. Thus conservatives in Canada are marginalized.

I doubt this scandal will cause more than just a loss of a few seats for the Liberals