Comedy on the Campaign Trail

The Associated Press ^ | 2/10/2004

[new cruelty]

(AP) -- Comedian commentary on the campaign:

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":

"On 'Meet the Press,' President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election. He said, 'Phhh, like last time."'

"Actually there was one embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if his commission investigating Iraq was bipartisan; Bush said, he had no idea about their sexuality."

"Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark. His motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. Apparently he was charged with going nowhere fast!"

"Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying there's two Americas. President Bush used to think there were two Americas, but then he stopped drinking!"

"Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney -- as he went through the White House metal detector this morning,security made him empty his pockets and out fell Justice Antonin Scalia!"

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"Late Show with David Letterman":

"How many of you watched the big Grammy Awards show? Very, very exciting! Three more wins for John Kerry!"

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"Late Night with Conan O'Brien":

"Today's Washington Post said of the Democratic presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the 'most presidential' hairstyle. Not only that, the Post says Al Sharpton has the best hairstyle for a first lady."

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"Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn":

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?"'

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"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart":

"Wait, we're confused. Who won the recent primaries?

• That southern-fried slickster?

• The Botox junky?

• That white guy?"

[Britton J Wingfield]

"Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun."

So has his nephew's golf club.