Posted on 02/03/2004 11:09:50 AM PST by Willie Green
For education and discussion only. Not for commercial use.
Is it just us, or has Earth been experiencing a bumper crop of stupid people lately?
From vapid celebrity bimbos to jocks wallowing in their own clueless self-absorption, a lack of smarts seems to have become epidemic both around the globe and, certainly, here in the good old U.S. of A.
In fact, just when our collective IQ seems to have hit bottom (see: Hilton, Paris), we discover there's a brand-new bottom (see: Crocodile Hunter, The).
It has become so irritating that we've decided we need some of that, whatchamacallit, catharsis. And, as we're wont to do around here, we'd like your help.
Just tell us who you'd consider to be the stupidest people cluttering our collective pop culture radar and why.
There'll be no prizes or anything. Just the chance to unburden yourself of the anger and frustration that invariably arises whenever you see these bozos on TV or read about them in the newspaper.
To start you off, here are a few of the people we'd consider as answers to the admittedly snarky question, "How stupid can we be?"
• Steve Irwin -- OK, maybe it was merely an error in judgment when The Crocodile Hunter decided to hold his month-old baby at the same time he happened to be dangling a chicken in front of a hungry crocodile.
But it was nothing short of monumentally stupid to try to quell the inevitable PR firestorm that followed by arguing that it's important for the appetizer -- er, the baby -- to learn about safe coexistence with hungry reptiles.
Steve. The kid's a month old. Let him learn about bladder control first. There'll be plenty of time after that to tackle the more insane stuff.
• Anybody who appears on a reality TV show -- Here's the deal. We're gonna put you on TV and do everything we can to humiliate you and make you look selfish and shallow, and prompt people who don't even know you to marvel at what a colossal loser you are.
Then we're gonna go over your life with a fine-toothed comb and share with the immediate universe the most embarrassing stuff -- the DUIs, the sleazy films, that time your landlord evicted you -- we can find. And, best of all, there's not a single thing you can do to stop us.
Q. Why do so many people subject themselves to such masochistic nonsense in return for a few fleeting moments of illusory fame on "Joe Millionaire," "The Real World," "Survivor" and all those other reality shows?
A. Because TV really does rot your brain.
• Any athlete or celebrity who tries to explain away his or her illegal or stupid behavior by saying, "I'm just being me" -- Here's some advice: Try being somebody else because you're a moron and being you obviously ain't working out so well.
• Britney Spears -- How dim do you have to be to go from single to married to annulled in less time than it takes most people to sleep off a hangover?
There's a fine line between impetuous and stupid, and Britney crossed it last month at Mach 3 speed.
• Jessica Simpson -- Yeah, we've heard the Chicken of the Sea comment and the Buffalo wings quote and all of that other stuff.
But we can't help but wonder whether we're the ones who are being stupid here. After all, would this B-list singer ever have received such extensive press for her musical abilities alone?
• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez -- Again, we must ask whether we're the stupid ones here for wasting even a nanosecond of our precious time thinking about these egocentric bozos. At least with the couple back to off-again status, we won't have to hear the painstaking details of their wedding. Now we can hear all the details of how the breakup happened. Does P. Diddy have anything to do with it, or did they finally actually watch "Gigli"?
• Pete Rose -- It's definitely stupid to bet on ballgames, especially since Major League Baseball long has made it clear that betting on games is the sport's capital crime.
But it's really, really stupid to bet on baseball games, lie baldfacedly about it for 14 years and come clean only in a book you're peddling, and then lobby for reinstatement with an argument that pretty much amounts to: "Yeah, I lied. What about it?"
To the showers, Charlie Hustle. Forever.
• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie -- If you were to distill the essence of stupid, it'd come in the twofer package of these shallow celebs who are famous for ... well, for being famous.
Before their TV show, "The Simple Life," premiered, one or the other -- who cares which? -- reportedly said something about how people don't like them at first but then come to like them once they get to know them.
Guess what? You're wrong.
Wow. We don't know about you, but we're feeling better already.
Now it's your turn. Just send us a note with your nominations for most stupid people around -- feel free to offer your own take on our choices, too -- and be sure to tell us what, in your estimation, makes them stupid.
Send your notes to: Stupid People, Las Vegas Review-Journal Features Department, P.O. Box 70, Las Vegas, NV 89125-0070.
Or, you can e-mail your notes to: rjrespond@reviewjournal.com
In either case, make sure we have them by 5 p.m. Feb. 10. We'll offer the results in an upcoming Living story.
Congressman Billybob
This reminds me of Bill Cosby when he was making fun of the numbskulls who extol the virtues of doing drugs by saying "It intensifies my personality." Cosby's riposte: "Yeah? Well, what if you're an a*****e!!"
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