Six Flags over Hell (HUMOR)

[SandRat]

WARNING! Do not have any liquids in your hands or in your mouth when reading!

May cause extreme damage to your dignity and keyboard!

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do ...

Do Not Go!!!

I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat.

At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less pay per year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

[tet68]

I don't know to tell you the truth, I only remember looking out the open side door and thinking whatever it was wasn't enough.

[snippy_about_it]

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

I love this line. LOL. Thanks for the ping.

[nuconvert]

"I realized I was the first person in history to throw down."

LOL!!

[Bobby777]

LOL ... know what you mean ... I can go up 35,000 feet in an airliner, but 10 feet on a ladder? ... that's sCaRY ... (obviously if one had to fall, 10 feet would be the better of the two!)

[Archangelsk]

Reilly did a follow up to this story when Commander King took his squadron to Afghanistan. If anyone can dig up the story I'd appreciate it. (The GD numbnuts at cnnsi.com only archive his stuff back to 2003).

Also, this is where I'm headed at the end of March: Click here. My goal is to not egress anything when they flat spin me.

[freekitty]

I got this back in an e-mail and think it is one of the funniest stories I have ever read.

[Hardastarboard]

Springsteen did a song about that "57 Channels and Nothing On". Love your tag line, BTW.

[Ragtime Cowgirl]

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. ...If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Whatever you do ...

Do Not Go!!!

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.

...If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  ====== === = Q

  
                             
  F-14 Tomcat        L    h -----------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Humor break, ping! (^: )

[SAMWolf]

Sorta like the line that goes, "I've been happily married for 5 years, we're celebrating our 30th anniversary tonight"

[snippy_about_it]

I've been happily married for 5 years, we're celebrating our 30th anniversary tonight"

LOL.

[Brad’s Gramma]

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Thanks SO much!!!!

[SandRat]

I don't remember either just kept looking for the biggest guy in tere to sit on for extra cushioning and realizing we're all skinny as rails.

[hoosiermama]

Really need this laugh today, thanks!

[SandRat]

Glad you enjoyed it.


Too bad he didn't describe his reaction to the launch and the trap. Though I don't know how it could have been funnier.

[hoosiermama]

Is this plane similar at all to the one Bush landed in on the Abe Lincoln? I mean in size, etc. How would they compare?

[SandRat]

The one GW used I believe was a twin prop job with the pilot and copilot sitting side-by-side and crew space in the rear, 600 knots maybe 800 knots max speed. The plane refered to here I beleive is a twin jet engine swing wing job, pilot in front and radar operator in back.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks. The most mechanical thing I know about airplanes is "fasten your seat belt" That I can handle! Do love to fly...on a commercial plane....usually get sick on the little ones....made this even funnier!

[tet68]

As they say, it's not the fall but the sudden stop at the end that gets you.

[freedumb2003]

Is this plane similar at all to the one Bush landed in on the Abe Lincoln? I mean in size, etc. How would they compare?

The F14 Tomcat is a buff, high-performance Multi-Role fighter. Bush's jet, although all right, isn't in the same class as the F14 (it is closer to a trainer, but it is a very real fighter jet). Only the F-15 and the F-22 can outdo an F-14. Too bad they can't find a place for it.

[windchime]

Funny!