SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT

Named after Francis T. Nicholls, a former Louisiana governor and Confederate solider, Nicholls State University is coming under fire for its mascot, which some say is reminiscent of the Old South.

THIBODAUX -- Up and down the bayous of Lafourche Parish, tradition and history run deep, and Nicholls State University is no exception.

A psychology major from Dallas, he said he didn't know a thing about Francis T. Nicholls or the school's mascot when he enrolled. The football player was shocked at his first game to see a student running around the field in a colonel costume.

"I saw that big white man in the hat holding a sword," Duffey said outside his dorm, Zeringue-Millet Hall. "I said, 'Who's that? And they said, 'That's a Confederate soldier.' "

He describes the image as "pretty messed up," so he only wears Nicholls State paraphernalia without the colonel. Most items in the university bookstore, for example, bear an "N" pierced by a sword.

Awwww...Didn't get accepted to LSU?

Five Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin.

They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, "I think the fastest thing in the world is a thought because before you can think of it it's already thought."

Thibodeaux said, "No, the fastest thing in the world is a blink because before you can think about it you blunk already."

Alfonse said, "No, the fastest thing in the world is electricity because when you turn dat light switch on the electricity travels fast-fast and the lights come on before you know it."

Ti-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrong, the fastest thing in the world is diarrhea."

Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?"

Ti-Boy said, "Yea, last night before I could think, blink, or turn on the lights I messed up the whole dang bed."

One day Thibodeaux was sitting fishing on the pier at his camp on the bayou when Boudreaux came by in his perot boat. Thibodeaux ax, "Boudreaux, what you got in dat perot."

Boudreaux say, "Duck Tape."

Thibodeaux ax, "What you gonna did wit dat duck tape?"

Boudreaux say, "Gonna go duck hunting, gonna wrap all this tape around the cypress trees and when the duck fly in, I will catch them."

Thibodeaux Say, "Boudreaux. You know you can't catch dem duck wit dat duck tape."

Boudreaux shook his head and paddle on down the bayou. That evening he paddled by Thibodeaux still fishing on the pier.

Thibodeaux look in de perot and see it is full of ducks.

Next day Thibodeaux was sitting fishing on the pier at his camp on the bayou when Boudreaux came by in his perot boat. Thibodeaux ax, "Boudreaux, what you got in dat perot."

Boudreaux say, "Crab Grass."

Thibodeaux ax, "What you gonna did wit dat crab grass?"

Boudreaux say, "Gonna go throw dis crab grass in the water and catch me some crab when they get tangled up in it."

Thibodeaux Say, "Boudreaux. You know you can't catch dem crab wit dat crab grass."

Boudreaux shook his head and paddle on down the bayou. That evening he paddled by Thibodeaux still fishing on the pier.

Thibodeaux look in de perot and see it is full of crabs.

Next day Thibodeaux was sitting fishing on the pier at his camp on the bayou when Boudreaux came by in his perot boat. Thibodeaux ax, "Boudreaux, what you got in dat perot.

"Boudreaux say, "Pussy Willow."

Thibodeaux say, "Wait a minute Boudreaux, I'm going wit you."

Here's one for you: Bubba and Earl were driving home from a University of Georgia football game. They were wondering where they were gonna stop for gas when they noticed this billboard: "Free Sex with Fill-Up!" Bubba says, "Pull in there, Earl, QUICK!" When they do, the attendant walks up and asks, "What'll be?" Bubba replies, "FILL IT UP!" When he finishes, the attendant tells them, "That'll be $26.50." Bubba pays him and says, "Now, what 'bout that free sex?" Attendant says, "First, you have to play a little game. I think of a number between 1 and 10, and you try to guess it." Bubba thinks for a while and says, "9"! Attendant says, "No, it's 2." Earl says, "Let me try." He thinks for a bit and says, "7". Attendant tells him, "I done told you it was 2!" Well, they were mighty disappointed. As they drove down the road, Bubba remarks, "Earl, I done figured that thing out back there. That was a trick just to get you to stop there for gas." Earl says, "No, it ain't either!" Bubba asks, "How you know that?" Earl says, "I tell you how I know. My wife stopped there twice last week, and she won both times!"

*Far Fetched? ... Maybe Not!

The Year is 2010. Here's a Typical Pizza Order.

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Darn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's
the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir.
The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics."

A Baptist minister wasn't having a very good month at his church. Donations and attendance were both down, he was wondering what in the world to do, when it struck him, either by design or divine providence. He decided that the next Sunday he was gonna call out for the testimony!

Sunday came, and the minister walked up to the podium and proclaimed, "Today, I'm gonna call out for the testimony! I want to know about all the sinning and wrongdoings that's going on!" One man stands up in the back and proclaims, "Preacher! I've been going out on my wife! I've been hanging out at the honky-tonk, messing around with all them wild women!" Preacher says, "Tell it all, Brother, tell it all!"

Another man stands up and says, "Preacher, I've been drinking! I've been spending all my money on booze, while my wife and family goes hungry!" Preacher says, "Tell it all, Brother, tell it all!"

Third man stands up and says, "Preacher, I've been gambling. I've been spending all my money on betting and games, while my kids and my wife are going hungry!" Preacher says, "Tell it all, Brother! TELL IT ALL!"

Man in the back stands up and says, "Preacher, last week I had sex with a goat!" Preacher says, "Damn, Brother. Don't believe I'd told THAT!"

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