Posted on 01/17/2004 4:01:43 PM PST by John Jorsett
DES MOINES -- And so we have gathered here, on the frozen cornfields of Iowa, to answer the question that, every four years, grips the nation and -- yes -- the world: What do corn farmers do all winter?
They're definitely not growing corn. It's too cold here for anything to grow, unless you count journalists' thighs, which are expanding at an alarming rate from engaging in campaign coverage, which involves a lot of eating while not moving.
This brings us to the other big question: Who will win the Iowa caucuses? For that matter, what ARE the Iowa caucuses?
I've been covering these things since 1984, and I have never once heard a coherent explanation of how Iowans caucus. We know that they do it indoors, at night, and they form little groups, and eventually there are Jell-O shots and something called ``The Happy Pants Dance.''
Also the largest man present must smear his naked body with margarine and fight a boar.
But beyond that, it's a mystery. And yet, somehow, out of this process emerges a winner, as the voters of Iowa -- having carefully considered all the candidates and their views on the complex issues facing the nation -- vote for the person who looks and sounds the most like he comes from Iowa.
Usually, this is Rep. Dick ''Dick'' Gephardt, five-time winner of the World's Whitest Man competition. Dick comes from Missouri (a state near Iowa) and has won the Iowa caucuses 14 times, although once he was edged out by Sen. Tom Harkin, who is actually FROM Iowa.
IOWA IN TURMOIL
In any event, when the caucuses are over, everybody moves on to New Hampshire, and nobody thinks about Iowa again for years. This time around, however, Iowa is in turmoil. Dick is here again, of course, but he is threatened by a newcomer named Howard Dean, who is from Vermont or possibly Rhode Island, neither of which is anywhere near Iowa.
Yet Howard is making a strong showing, thanks in part to thousands of young campaign volunteers who have come to Iowa out of a sincere and idealistic desire to skip classes. They are highly organized: According to a Washington Post story, ``the Dean field operatives have purchased mountains of bottled water and granola bars, and cell phones and flashlights by the dozen.''
Yes, flashlights. The Post doesn't say why. Maybe it has to do with ``The Happy Pants Dance.''
THE CONTENDERS
In addition to Dean and Gephardt, the major Democratic contenders are John Kerry, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, Joseph Lieberman, Al Sharpton, Walter Mondale, Rudolph Giuliani, the late Hubert Humphrey and of course Dennis Kucinich. (Carol Moseley Braun just dropped out and urged her Iowa supporters to vote for Dean. Her Iowa supporters, Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Minkwater of Oskaloosa, said they would ``think about it.'')
I will spend the next few days here tracking down as many candidates as I humanly can without leaving my rental car, and objectively reporting the facts as I imagine them to be. You will want to read these reports because this process, wacky as it seems, is how we choose our presidents. Which explains a lot.
LATE-BREAKING IOWA STORY: According to a front-page article in The Des Moines Register that I am not making up, a judge has ruled that ''West Des Moines topless dancers who paint their nipples with skin-colored latex are within a city nudity law.'' Yes! Nipples in Iowa! We here in the news media will follow this story wherever it leads, unless it leads outdoors. Don't thank us: We are doing our jobs.
Kennedy denied any knowledge of how they got there.
Oops! Wrong Dean
I think it's similar to what I do when UNC beats the #1 team in basketball, as they just did (86-83 over UConn). It looks something like this:
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