Why is there a bias against interracial dating?

AJC ^ | 1/10/04 | AJC

[freedom44]

Shaunti Feldhahn, a right-leaning columnist, writes the commentary this week and Diane Glass, a left-leaning columnist, responds

SHAUNTI FELDHAHN for ajc.com

As a kid, I never realized there was a bias against interracial dating -- or that any serious racial bias still existed. Like most kids in the Washington, D.C.-area melting pot, I grew up around everyone from the children of African diplomats to kids who came over on the boats from Cambodia. My classmates spoke every language and lived in everything from luxury lake homes to public housing. Our dinner guests were just as likely to be from Nigeria or India as from Kansas or California.

After graduation, I left home for a summer waitressing job at a Colorado guest ranch, completely unaware that my multi-racial upbringing had been unusual. I learned fast.

Twenty young staffers came to the ranch from all over the country, and we girls put up pictures and frills to make each bunk our own. One evening, I showed another waitress my snapshots. She gestured at a Homecoming picture of me and my best friend with our dates, standing in front of my date's vintage Mercedes.

"And who is this," she asked, "your chauffer?"

"No, silly," I laughed, "he's my date."

"Your date?" She pulled away, appalled that I would go to Homecoming with a black friend. She stood up, walked out of the room and never spoke to me again. From then on, she communicated through other staff members. "Mary, tell Shaunti to fill the syrup bottles."

Word got around quickly. The next morning, the two cooks -- two young men who had been my friends -- started chanting, "once you go black, you never go back" over and over again. I was horrified, and had no idea how to respond. They were merciless the rest of the summer, and I received a ruthless and swift education.

Why is there a bias against interracial dating, especially between blacks and whites? Almost certainly, people with that bias are people who have no close friends of other races. And unfortunately that's still a sizeable population. Once you have spent time with each other, cried on each other's shoulders, worshipped together at church, or played games long into the night at each other's homes, somehow the idea of their daughter dating your son becomes a non-issue.

And that relationship, by the way, is what makes the difference between giving politically-correct lip service to racial diversity and having a real love for one another as people, and a desire for community.

The problem is, there will always be those who choose to wall themselves off from those friendships, whether out of subtle discomfort or hard-core bigotry. But in most cases, no wall is wanted. It's just that someone of another color seems different. And they are different. We all are. A rich mixture of different elements makes us all who we are -- including our race, gender, economic background, faith, beliefs and interests. That's what makes relationships so interesting and worthwhile, including dating relationships. And because racially biased people have never experienced it, they don't understand what a blessing that diversity can be.

Rebuttal Diane Glass AJC columnist

Shaunti gets a gold star for political correctness. I don't think many would disparage her heartfelt experience. But asking "why is there racism" isn't nearly as interesting or provocative as asking what you are going to do in the face of bigotry? We all know racism exists. Knowing something doesn't change it. Doing something does.

After Shaunti faced racism head on, what did she do? Did she shy away from interracial dating as an adult, bite her tongue and shake her head in silent disapproval? Or did she fight bigotry with spirited defiance? Silence and obedience are just as toxic a poison. And the question I'm dying to ask is: Would Shaunti consider marrying a black man? She advocates a stable home where the triple scourge of divorce, atheism and gay marriage endanger children. How would she feel about an interracial marriage fraught with social stigma, family arguments and sarcastic barbs at school? Would she take a stand against racism if her children had to suffer?

I wonder.

I ask because the statistics suggest that many may lament the failings of a racist culture but few want to withstand the approbation when racial boundaries are crossed. Since 1980, interracial marriages have more than doubled but today this still only represents a mere 2 percent of married couples in 2000.

Interracial dating isn't so black and white. Pardon the pun. And yet it is. The Asian population intermixes with any race and this barely raises an eyebrow. Likewise with Hispanics. It's often an issue of black and white relationships. Black men with white women is the most problematic for Americans, even though black men and white women are more than twice as likely to marry than black women and white men.

Resentment and a healthy dose of prejudice are veiled in the tales about the mythic physical endowments of black men. Yet racism isn't only a failing of the white population. Black women often feel betrayed by black men who look outside of their race and choose the arms of an enemy who exemplifies the American ideal. The blond Ivory Girl smile and blue eyes of Tiger Woods' future wife no doubt raised the ire of many who wondered why such a powerful role model to black youth couldn't embrace his own race.

Racism, like the history of marriage, is about power: Who has it, who wants it, how can I get it? People feel betrayed and angry about interracial couples because these couples step across enemy lines. "Can we all just get along?" That's not likely until power among the races is on a level playing field and marriage, or dating, is no longer an act of treason.

[LisaMalia]

The decision not to consider her "history" is due to the fact that white men consider her "pure as snow

I disagree, most white men consider Koby above reproach. Especially if they're Lakers fans. It has nothing to do with race.

[Magno]

My MOM is a very good Christian woman. I want to marry a very good Christian woman, too. Catholic, Protestant, Bautist, etc... as long as we can be compatible.

I would not marry somebody who is not Christian. I respect people of other religions, but for a wife I require somebody within the same faith.

Once I was going out with a wonderful and pretty girl, until she made fun of my Christian beliefs.

[happygrl]

My future kids can date anyone as long as they are educated, hard-working, moral, family-oriented, and are going to love my daughter/son like i do.

Commendable characteristics ! I heartily agree.

[WackyKat]

. I don't correspond, talk to, be friends with angry, negative people myself.

Now, now, you're obviously fibbing.

You post on Free Republic, don't you?

[cyborg]

LOL oh yeah I forgot :-)

[FreedomPoster]

>>I live across the street from two interacial couples; in Forsyth County, Georgia, no less.

For those who don't know the history of Forsyth County, it was one of the last Klannish / seriously anti-black racist counties in GA. It has, in the last 10 or 15 years, become just another part of the suburban Atlanta metro area megapolis. And really an upscale one at that.

But 20 years ago, a co-worker's grandfather-in-law had a couple of black guys doing yard work on his lake house on the Forsyth side of Lake Lanier. A couple of country boys showed up in a fishing boat, told him his yard help had better be gone by sundown, and not to have them back. He had the impression they meant business.

Fortunately, those days are totally gone from Forsyth from what I can tell, and really from the rest of GA as well. If it's out there, it's really, really under the radar.

[StarFan]

The "alleged" victim who had the sperm of two other men and the pubic hair from a white man in her panties when examined by a doctor after her "alleged rape" by Kobe.

That isn't the point nor would it be if she had consensual sex 365 consecutive days prior to the alleged 'unsolicited and forced sex' which she is accusing him of. The Rape Shield Law was established for this very reason. Her past sexual escapades have no bearing UNLESS she makes it a practice of crying rape and only then should it be entered into evidence.

[Katya]

Although my husband and I are of the same race, my parents were more concerned about class issues than race. How the person was brought up, values, culture etc. They did show a preference for eastern or western Europeans, but had nothing against Asians, or Middle easterners either.
My brother, a born again Christian type (not saying this in a disparaging way...I'm attempting at a generalization)seems only to date foreign women of color. Of course they have to be Christians of the same stripe. If he ever gets married, I would assume his bride to be a dark complexioned Hispanic woman or an African woman. So far my parents have been welcoming of all his girlfriends. For them the religious schtick is the hard part.

[cyborg]

I believe you because all those weird talk shows that had featured Forsythe County were from the early-mid 1980s. Now according to a lot of people they say there are parts of the South that are better than the North! (I'd not mind living in J.Lo's new digs)

[fight_truth_decay]

The "alleged" victim who had the sperm of two other men and the pubic hair from a white man in her panties when examined by a doctor after her "alleged rape" by Kobe

Sperm can live in the female body for up to 5 days, during the middle of her cycle. Its very possible that semen from two days before could still be leaking out a little bit. And what if she did have consensual sex with another she could have had feelings for them. As I said, poor judgment does not justify rape..if it should play out that way.

He said..she said!

[Jorge]

Actually I was being sarcastic. I agree with you.

[A.J.Armitage]

Even in law, I believe it was Jared Taylor who brought up in his book, Paved With Good Intentions, that in rape cases, when the victim is black and the perp is black, the burden of proof is on the woman. When the victim is white, suddenly, the burden of proof SHIFTS to the black man to prove that he's innocent.

I'll bet you also think black people's right to vote will expire in 2007.

[FreedomPoster]

>>according to a lot of people they say there are parts of the South that are better than the North!

SE DeKalb County, around Stone Mountain, is full of Buppies in Lexuses (Lexi?), BMWs, Tahoes, and such - and living in 2000+ SF 2-story suburban dreams. Biggest concentration of Buppies outside of Prince Georges County, MD. This is literally in the shadow of Stone Mountain, where 30-35 years ago, the Klan was still burning crosses at the summit a couple of times a year (Confederate Memorial Day? Don't recall the history, and what days they did it on, and don't think it's happened since I've been here, which is since '77).

[LisaMalia]

OK, sorry!

[Jorge]

Its very possible that semen from two days before could still be leaking out a little bit.

"Leaking semen" from two different men? Besides Kobe? What about the pubic hair from a white man still in her panties?

I hope the jury can keep from laughing at this evidence.

[cyborg]

When is this trial actually supposed to happen?

[ermmt]

exhale sis it's all O.K.! Brothers-sisters , they all marry the wrong one! We just luv one 'on'other :) Peace & Love xxxoxxoxoxooxoxox

[marron]

Its funny, I guess we tend to attract people who are similar to us in outlook, but its hard for me to imagine there is anyone left who cares about "inter-racial dating". I know there are people out there who are obsessed by race, certainly the Dems are obsessed by it, but I don't hang around people like that so its easy to forget.

When I run up against someone who is honestly racist, and you do from time to time, it always hits me like cold water in the face.

Such people always assume that everyone thinks like they do. If you tell them otherwise, they are sure you are lying, they can't imagine that there are people uninterested in their number one obsession.

One such guy asked me, as if to close the subject, what I would think if my daughter dated someone outside her race... I had to stop and think, it surprised me anyone would even think to ask such a question. My daughter is divorced from a man of dubious morals, my main concern (and hers) is that she find a man of character.

One of the things I most enjoyed in the time I worked overseas is that for a while you get to forget about race completely. This may in fact be a part of why I do forget about it unless someone forces me to focus. Each country has its own kinds of bigotry, but I am outside that also, so it is like a load removed from my shoulders. Once the load is gone I don't know why anyone would want to take it on again.

"Jerk" has no color. I have always said that "jerk" should have its own passport and its own homeland, so the rest of us can go on our way in peace.

[Jaysun]

I'm a white male. My brother has a black wife and they have had children. My family was opposed to the union, but once he made the decision and went through with the marriage they all supported him. Their reason for being opposed to the relationship wasn't at all motivated by racism or bigotry, but by a desire to see him make the most of his future and children's future as possible. They said that there are still very strong social stigmas attached to interracial relationships that would cause him, her, and their children undue added pressure and disadvantages.

We have a great time at family gatherings and my wife regularly goes on "outings" with his. My brother and his wife have both said that the concern that my family voiced over their relationship was valid. We accept them, respect them, and love them - many others certainly do not. For that reason, I would voice the same concerns to my own children in the same situation. While there is some opposition to interracial relationships based on hatred, I would say that far more opposition is based on simply wanting to avoid the whole sneering, pointing, rejecting, screaming crowd.

[cynwoody]

I ask because the statistics suggest that many may lament the failings of a racist culture but few want to withstand the approbation when racial boundaries are crossed.

Huh? Diane must be a public school product.