Why is there a bias against interracial dating?

AJC ^ | 1/10/04 | AJC

[freedom44]

Shaunti Feldhahn, a right-leaning columnist, writes the commentary this week and Diane Glass, a left-leaning columnist, responds

SHAUNTI FELDHAHN for ajc.com

As a kid, I never realized there was a bias against interracial dating -- or that any serious racial bias still existed. Like most kids in the Washington, D.C.-area melting pot, I grew up around everyone from the children of African diplomats to kids who came over on the boats from Cambodia. My classmates spoke every language and lived in everything from luxury lake homes to public housing. Our dinner guests were just as likely to be from Nigeria or India as from Kansas or California.

After graduation, I left home for a summer waitressing job at a Colorado guest ranch, completely unaware that my multi-racial upbringing had been unusual. I learned fast.

Twenty young staffers came to the ranch from all over the country, and we girls put up pictures and frills to make each bunk our own. One evening, I showed another waitress my snapshots. She gestured at a Homecoming picture of me and my best friend with our dates, standing in front of my date's vintage Mercedes.

"And who is this," she asked, "your chauffer?"

"No, silly," I laughed, "he's my date."

"Your date?" She pulled away, appalled that I would go to Homecoming with a black friend. She stood up, walked out of the room and never spoke to me again. From then on, she communicated through other staff members. "Mary, tell Shaunti to fill the syrup bottles."

Word got around quickly. The next morning, the two cooks -- two young men who had been my friends -- started chanting, "once you go black, you never go back" over and over again. I was horrified, and had no idea how to respond. They were merciless the rest of the summer, and I received a ruthless and swift education.

Why is there a bias against interracial dating, especially between blacks and whites? Almost certainly, people with that bias are people who have no close friends of other races. And unfortunately that's still a sizeable population. Once you have spent time with each other, cried on each other's shoulders, worshipped together at church, or played games long into the night at each other's homes, somehow the idea of their daughter dating your son becomes a non-issue.

And that relationship, by the way, is what makes the difference between giving politically-correct lip service to racial diversity and having a real love for one another as people, and a desire for community.

The problem is, there will always be those who choose to wall themselves off from those friendships, whether out of subtle discomfort or hard-core bigotry. But in most cases, no wall is wanted. It's just that someone of another color seems different. And they are different. We all are. A rich mixture of different elements makes us all who we are -- including our race, gender, economic background, faith, beliefs and interests. That's what makes relationships so interesting and worthwhile, including dating relationships. And because racially biased people have never experienced it, they don't understand what a blessing that diversity can be.

Rebuttal Diane Glass AJC columnist

Shaunti gets a gold star for political correctness. I don't think many would disparage her heartfelt experience. But asking "why is there racism" isn't nearly as interesting or provocative as asking what you are going to do in the face of bigotry? We all know racism exists. Knowing something doesn't change it. Doing something does.

After Shaunti faced racism head on, what did she do? Did she shy away from interracial dating as an adult, bite her tongue and shake her head in silent disapproval? Or did she fight bigotry with spirited defiance? Silence and obedience are just as toxic a poison. And the question I'm dying to ask is: Would Shaunti consider marrying a black man? She advocates a stable home where the triple scourge of divorce, atheism and gay marriage endanger children. How would she feel about an interracial marriage fraught with social stigma, family arguments and sarcastic barbs at school? Would she take a stand against racism if her children had to suffer?

I wonder.

I ask because the statistics suggest that many may lament the failings of a racist culture but few want to withstand the approbation when racial boundaries are crossed. Since 1980, interracial marriages have more than doubled but today this still only represents a mere 2 percent of married couples in 2000.

Interracial dating isn't so black and white. Pardon the pun. And yet it is. The Asian population intermixes with any race and this barely raises an eyebrow. Likewise with Hispanics. It's often an issue of black and white relationships. Black men with white women is the most problematic for Americans, even though black men and white women are more than twice as likely to marry than black women and white men.

Resentment and a healthy dose of prejudice are veiled in the tales about the mythic physical endowments of black men. Yet racism isn't only a failing of the white population. Black women often feel betrayed by black men who look outside of their race and choose the arms of an enemy who exemplifies the American ideal. The blond Ivory Girl smile and blue eyes of Tiger Woods' future wife no doubt raised the ire of many who wondered why such a powerful role model to black youth couldn't embrace his own race.

Racism, like the history of marriage, is about power: Who has it, who wants it, how can I get it? People feel betrayed and angry about interracial couples because these couples step across enemy lines. "Can we all just get along?" That's not likely until power among the races is on a level playing field and marriage, or dating, is no longer an act of treason.

[dcwusmc]

cyborg, thanks for your comments. Glad your family stayed...

Arne, thanks. I never thought I'd post comments that would draw such a favorable response from you, as often as we've crossed swords. Very refreshing. (NO sarcasm, btw.)

[King Prout]

oh, you saw THAT post too, huh?
dude sure likes to make assumptions, don't he?

[reg45]

Would you want your son to marry a Britney Spears?

No, never. I would prefer that he marry someone intelligent.

[cyborg]

a troll who didn't go to church today

[cyborg]

There are more white females than there black females. Second of all, none of anyone's business who someone dates anyway so it's not rightfully so since they don't know someone's life.

[Quix]

I believe FEAR

is far more of a cause component than power.

Fear arises from insecurities and aversion to, fear of that which is not LIKE US. Dissimilarity leaves a lot of people feeling at least uneasy, wary--if not plainly fearful. And, often fear quickly slides into anger, hostility, defensiveness.

It takes a centered, solid, secure person to avoid the fear pitfalls when associating with significant difference among associates. Or, at least it takes someone who was raised to ignore, neutralize, avoid insecurity based fears in the context of relationships with those significantly different.

It's somewhat psychodynamically akin to Freud's assertion about IN-GROUP/OUT-GROUP phenomena--that even a religion based on love would be unloving to those not members of it. Too many less than overcoming Christians and pseudo Christians have spent centuries proving that too true.

But then, some Buddhists can be similarly violent about the issue as most certainly can Hindus and Moslems.

Only Christ sliced across all the differences on The Cross dying for ALL MANKIND (humankind for the PC addicted/challenged). Christ persistently raised respect, compassion and active caring for women, the poor, the disadvantaged, the downtrodden, the imprisoned, the attacked and dying, the different. But His disciples have felt most comfortable in little cliques of mutual bless-me clubs wherein outsiders had to jump through myriad hoops to be accepted at all--if acceptance was even possible for outsiders of any type--regardless of the propaganda from the pulpit.

In the chronic crises coming, such a hideous farcical 'Christianity' will be overcome by authentic Christianity in which individuals crossing all manner of group label lines will act AS CHRIST WOULD HAVE in their responses to those even who are quite different from them as individuals and who come from groups quite different. Christ said that if HE WERE LIFTED UP, HE WOULD DRAW *ALL* MEN UNTO HIM (humankind). He will be proving that increasingly even this year compared to last year.

The criteria will not be whether someone's birth or genetics left them markedly different or not. The criteria will be whether one Loves God wholly and their neighbor as themselves--and does unto others as they would have others do unto them. That will be sufficient similarity for unity at the foot of The Cross and shoulder to shoulder in the trenches and torture chambers inhabited by Onward Christian Soldiers.

[cyborg]

good post

[Nataku X]

Skimming through this thread briefly, you'd think that black people were the only racist ones. Here's a racist whitey story. When I first went away to college, my father asked only one thing of me--and that was to never date a black guy.

As I have no desire to get my date shot (by dad), I won't date black men until dad dies. BTW Dad is ultra-conservative, ultra-Christian, all that. Nothing personal.

[Quix]

Thanks for your kind comment.

God's best to you this year!

[Sir Gawain]

You've probably never seen the "uneven playing field" because when you are the top you can never accurately perceive how far down the bottom is. You are probably right though. The feckless public school educations, inadequate health care, and indecent apartment/project housing innumerable black kids live with probably is as equal a playing field as black people will ever witness in the land of lieberty and justus for yall. Oops, forgot to mention the drugs/weapons ridden neighborhoods we inhabit. But that's probably our own fault, since we are extremely resistant to burning down the coca and poppy fields in our sprawling backyards and the handgun factories at the corners of our streets.

Like someone else said: Blacks have been voting straight Democrat for 30 years and nothing has changed. If you're going to live on the Democrat plantation, you have no valid reason to complain about your handouts.

[King Prout]

good post, but I think you glide too swiftly into "fear", without paying attention to "annoyance"

[spintreebob]

why are the large majority of black-white dating/ marriages between black males and white females? Why do black females get upset

My experience and observation from the 60's and 70's when I was single are several:
- In the civil rights movement, especially SNCC, the White guys participated mostly because they thought the girls were more liberated and an easier lay with no committment. Furthermore, most White guys thought Black girls in the movement were an easier lay than White girls. I knew several White guys with Black gals where there was a real love and committment. But they were the exception.
- Black gals historically have been taken for granted as easy. Most seem to sense that history and resent it. Certainly their experience in the civil rights movement, and in college, confirmed that for many of them.
- When I was single female friends tried to hook me up with a friend/relative of another background. It was much less often a guy tried to hook me up with anyone, regardless of race.
- I experienced equal rejection from the person who was the object of the hookup, regardless of race or ethnicity.
- Most people are lazy. It is easier if they can deal in labels. Laziness is a societal force against judging people as individuals rather than being in a labeled group. This is as true of non-racial labels as it is of racial labels.

[Quix]

Thanks for your kind comment and exhortation.

I think . . . annoyance . . . for me . . . regarding that issue comes along more in cases like a lot of homosexuals . . . where the individuals concerned feel compelled at a SHRILLERY volume to rub something obtuse or obnoxious in the faces of all around.

I think then, I prefer to walk away as one might some stranger's 2 year old throwing a tantrum at the supermarket.

[Jorge]

I am color blind. I make it a practice to never notice the color of someone's skin. It makes no difference to me.

I'm not color blind. I enjoy the variety of races and colors in the human race.
I like people being different and think it would be boring if we were all the same.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Just because I am color blind does not mean I wish everyone was the same.

To me it is irrelevant what color someone's skin is, doesn't matter to me, my family, my friends ,or my children.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

[Jorge]

Oh, you are into color. You use phrases like "white men."

If you read the post I was responding to, you would have realized I was repeating her statement about "white men" back to her.

Besides, what's wrong with calling somebody a white man?
I'm a white man and proud of it.

[VOA]

Why is there a bias against interracial dating?

I grew up and lived in Oklahoma until my late 30s.
The only time I heard anyone seriously torqued about an "inter-racial" couple
was from a guy with an M.S. in a science field and now a patent attorney.

I tried to say "hey, it's a big world and you're free to date anyone you want to"...
but the guy was visibly upset when a black-white couple enetered the <br.restaurant we were at.

[Sister_T]

Admit it. Black women haven't always been so perfect to their men.

True. Sad, but true.

[Sister_T]

I respect your right to marry within your own group, if you wish, but, don't you think you were defrauding those white guys (of their time, their money, and perhaps in some cases their emotions as well) by accepting dates from them when you *knew* you'd never marry one?

At the time, I wasn't saved so I didn't care. And, really, it wasn't that much time, money or emotion involved. They probably saw me as some "piece of chocolate" to taste for a little while.

My rule always was, I wouldn't date anyone that I knew, up front, I wouldn't marry. Of course, for a fornicator looking to have a good time, dating women he'd never marry would be okay -- but as a Christian I saw no other reason to date, other than to seek marriage.

And that's what I was at the time: a fornicator looking to have a good time.

[fight_truth_decay]

The hair can come from any hotel room she might be in with the "exhibit" having been lying on a carpet..etc. None of us like to think what lingers within a room and has been missed by housekeeping.

All this considering, it does not matter if she had been with 25 men in 3 days ( on and about )with Kobe joining the gang bang. If she says No..it's No! She could have said "Yes" the other 24 times!

Regards
fight_truth_ decay