Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[Poohbah]

As for your latter comment I cannot imagine being involved with anyone who does not have a strong sense of faith and God. I tried it once and learned that I won't go there again.

I was involved with several women of strong faith. Unfortunately, I am a Catholic, and the women in question were Protestants.

I finally got the hint. (God only has to use the 2-by-4 on my head a couple dozen times before the light bulb comes on.)

[Land of the Free 04]

she just wanted a few days to herself

Obviously I don't have all the facts here ... but how much of those few days would sex have taken up?

[rintense]

Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

There is something so wrong about that statement. What man wants to be manipulated and controlled? How many women out there get married and think that they can 'change' their husbands? And I wonder how many are successful. Dr. Laura is way off the mark here. Her approach is like that of Neanderthals.

Dr. Laura's right, it doesn't take much to please men, but neither is this a license for women to be manipulative.

100% correct. In a way, Dr. Laura is preaching feminism use your sex and feminine ways to get what YOU want out of a marriage. Marriage is the partnership of two people, not some manipulative game of control and submission.

Carlo, my darling, what are your views about Dr. Laura's article?

[Lazamataz]

The former is the one thing you've said that's actually shocked me.

Oh yes. I was a cocaine addict for the longest time. Actually, to be fair, I still am a cocaine addict. I'm not an active addict any more, thanks to G-d, Narcotics Anonymous and my Sponsor.

Addicts lie. It's what we do, in order to use. Only a small portion of recovery involves getting off drugs. The most major parts of recovery comes later -- becoming the good, responsible, and trustworthy person most people want to be.

I've heard it said people can say bad things about me. But they cannot say anything I myself have not said about myself on this very forum. Revealing your faults makes them powerless against you.

My past is mine to discuss, and always shall be.

The latter...well, I met my wife at a prayer meeting. We are of the same faith. That is critically important for staying together--the time we spend together in worshipping G-d is what gives us strength for the journey.

That is something I have learned. Faith in G-d gets a couple through the tougher times, and they emerge strengthed. Of course, it is necessary that both partners wish to address the components that cause the problem. I am happy that I have finally and seriously addressed a few of my problems, and will address more of them as time unfolds. Eventually, I believe I will be a fine, loyal, forgiving and trusting husband. That is one of my life goals.

Thanks for your words, Poohbah. You are one of the good ones.

[Landru]

"One thing I learned in Narcotics Anonymous is that I cannot fix other people. So, I'll just keep working on myself."

Yea well, since your eyes "have looked over Jordan and seen," you've insights many others will never know.
Just don't forget to help others along way when you feel you've gotten yourself straightened out to your own satisfaction.

And try doubly hard to do one other thing, too.
In spite of your own hurt, leave the old wounds of other's, to heal.
Child's play for a guy like you, Laz.

...& a sure sign of manhood.

[Quix]

OFFENDED, OR NOT . . .

she merely happens to be right.

[Quix]

WELL SAID.

[AppyPappy]

I can say we both had deep, fundamental problems.

Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

[Quix]

GREAT INSIGHTS.

I knew an MD and his wife who insisted that sex was best when praying in tongues/in The Spirit.

[Quix]

SUCH A WISE GRANNY!

[BibChr]

A lot of wisdom there. Almost startling how close she comes to Biblical wisdom, without fully embracing it.

A capable wife is her husband’s crown,
but a wife who causes shame
is like rottenness in his bones
Proverbs 12:4

Better to live on the corner of a roof
than to share a house with a nagging wife
Proverbs 21:9

An endless dripping on a rainy day
and a nagging wife
are alike.
Proverbs 27:15

Etc.

Dan

[Lazamataz]

Yea well, since your eyes "have looked over Jordan and seen," you've insights many others will never know. Just don't forget to help others along way when you feel you've gotten yourself straightened out to your own satisfaction.

I will, kind sir. In fact, it is part of recovery. "The newcomer is the most important person in any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away."

And that intangible is sobriety.

And try doubly hard to do one other thing, too. In spite of your own hurt, leave the old wounds of other's, to heal.

Well, if you are referring to me helping another to recognize and deal with her own problems, Narcotics Anonymous taught me I can only fix me. I am powerless to fix anyone else. If you are referring to my own wounds, there's not much I can to do heal them but give them time. Time is the only cure.

I will continue to speak of my past, but perhaps I have erred by including her in that descriptive past. I'm only human. I do generally try to keep the discussion of my past focused on me, because ... well, because I am powerless to fix anyone else. But, hey, I'm imperfect.

Child's play for a guy like you, Laz. ...& a sure sign of manhood.

Thanks pal. I'll try to keep your wise words in mind.

[luckystarmom]

My only problem with Dr. Laura is her view of sex. I think men need to be a little more understanding of women and sex. For one thing, having kids can really mess you up. When I was pregnant with twins, we had sex I think twice in a year because of medical problems. I then had lots of problems even after they were born. I don't think a lot of men would put up with that. Thank God, mine did, but it did cause a lot of stress.

I'm not really looking forward to menapause because I think things will get messed up again.

[hopespringseternal]

Literary device alert: hyperbole.

For men, sex is always in a secluded cabin in the mountains with no one around for miles. For women, it is always in the supermarket. Meaning for men, sex is never inconvenient or embarassing, but for women it is never anything else.

[Lazamataz]

Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

No, I wasn't married to a mouse.

I'll say this postive about her: She was no mouse. She was a lion. She grabs the gusto in life at every occasion. If you look at her professional-sphere and her personal hobbies, I cannot say I have ever seen anyone who lives live with as much enthusiasm. I always admired her for that.

[Lazamataz]

For men, sex is always in a secluded cabin in the mountains with no one around for miles. For women, it is always in the supermarket.

You pick weird women. ;^)

[Quix]

I'D ENCOURAGE every man, woman and child over 10 with an IQ over 80 to get a copy of

Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and ACT the Way You Do: Unlock the Secret to Loving and Lasting Relationships

By Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy

BEING too easily OFFENDED tends to go a LOT with inadequate attachment the first 6 years of life. If one's buckets are not filled--by both a MOTHER AND FATHER IDEALLY--then a long list of personal and relationship problems tend to set in. Being easily offended is one of them, IMhO.

This excellent book has a road map for overcoming such entrenched psychological, emotional, relational flaws, gaping holes, habits etc.

It seems to me that we have enshrined BEING OFFENDED as a Constitutional Religious Right in our country. The attorney priests are happy to dispense gold coin communion wafers for a huge percentage. And the social fracturing increases accordingly.

Of course satan loves winding up human selfishness because he knows how destructive it is to individuals, families , marriages and society. He's about his business of stealing happiness, destroying individuals, marriages and families and killing everything good as much and as fast as he can as he knows his time remaining to do so is very short.

But THE TRUTH DECLARES that he that saves his life shall lose it; while he that loses his life for Christ's sake shall save it . . . and thereby have life abundantly and full of incomprehensible, unspeakable joy.

Of course, if one insists, one can sit in a shrinking corner whining about how offended one is.

Or, one can get up and out of the corner and start sowing the good, affection, happiness that one wishes to reap--realizing that the reaping of goodies tends to take a lot of time and some tolerably good soil with a lot of good seed, watering and cultivating over quite a period of time.

But many a miserable Walter Mitty has been turned into a real tiger at work and in bed by a wise, nurturing, encouraging, upbeat wife.

[Southack]

"What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?"

What my wife and I have seen in failed couples is that one or both partners weren't happy with their own self to begin with.

If you aren't fundamentally happy with who you already *are*, then adding someone to your life is only going drive the roller coaster of emotions faster.

People can go on and on about cliches, but you have to be happy with who you are, where you are, and what you have.

If you wake up in the morning and say to yourself "If I just had XXX then I would be happy," then what you are really doing is admitting that you aren't currently happy.

That should sound loud alarm bells in your head. Why aren't you happy with yourself?

If your answers to that question revolve around "fate," other people, or the outside world, then that should signal even more alarms in your head (i.e. that you are in denial and blaming everyone/everything except yourself).

On the other hand, if you can identify mistakes that you've made and/or your own flaws that are bothering you, then you actually have some small chance of growing and later finding happiness.

Once you are happy, you can expand that happiness immensely by partnering with *another* fundamentally happy person. A fundamentally happy couple can likewise expand even *that* happiness by starting a loving family.

But partnering with someone else, even someone who is already happy, won't help *you* become happy if you aren't already pleased with who you are, where you are, and what you have. Ditto for starting a family if you aren't already happy.

Forget money. Forget differences in educational levels, intellect, or even religion. If *you* aren't first happy with yourself then you are headed for more and more pain no matter how many distractions you find or engage in, from marrying to free love to starting a family to doing drugs to making money...none of that will solve your own personal lack of happiness.

[Quix]

I've become increasingly intolerant of guilt flinging.

. . . and the saving up of "black stamps" to be repeatedly and relentlessly cashed in for the smug sadistic satisfaction of seeing one's opponent squirm in agony.

[AppyPappy]

The key is to TRY. Men and women view sex differently. A woman will be unable\unwilling to have sex and then complain because her husband turns to porn or affairs. She is saying (in his eyes) "Sex is not important to me". Men see lack of sex as rejection. So a man might summise "As long as she doesn't care about sex, I'll go somewhere else where I won't face rejection".

A woman may say "I shouldn't have to do this to satisfy him" and she would be right. But someone else might be willing to do it.

One thing that has amazed me is the number of women who say their husbands hold out on them. I guess it is starting to affect both now.