Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[Eaker]

Perhaps she is seeing it as "he had to stop at the store for eggs and bread anyway and the flowers were an afterthought." It's still nice, don't get me wrong! Personally, I wouldn't say a word about it. But taking the time and the forethought to stop during the day, and thinking about her, going to a flower shop and having flowers sent might make her feel more special.

If a woman likes flowers and a man can overlook how usless a gift it is then she should not bitch about the source.

Knowing what a friend or spouse likes means so much more.

For Christmas I received a spent tank shell casing, a coffee cup shaped like a shotgun shell (with a live 12 gauge round inside), a paper towel holder made out of three real horse shoes, some tubing and a center hold down piece with my initials on it all welded together and skillfully painted. From the wife and kids I received various types of ammo.

These people really know and care about me. I don't care about the cost or source; I care because they all fit me to a tee!!!!

[Eaker]

Most of the men I know truly are chivalrous, and their efforts are met with the same disdain as yours and almost never reciprocated.

In our culture, women are taught to be self-centered and men are taught to feed that monster in the vain belief that it can be satisfied. For all the platitudes and truisms bandied about, the real truth is that men make do and do without while showering their wives with every blessing they can muster. And their reward is usually disdain and neglect.

Dead on target. I should have pinged you to my post #561.

[Eaker]

When Mom ain't happy .................... nobody is happy.

Nobody really seems to care if Dad is happy. We make do. Thank God my wife, TheMom is not like that.

At least most of the time!!!!!

[meowmeow]

Why is the onus always on the woman to create a healthy relationship? If man is the head of woman, and Christ is the head of man, where are the books showing men how to put away their idols – I don’t mean giving up beer, tv, money, sports, cars, whatever – I mean turning from idolatry of these things – and instilling a proper respect and desire for God. Most women (although they may not realize it) would do anything for a man whose heart was truly focused on God. What woman would not want to be loved as “Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her?”

[hummingbird]

You're on the right track. It's very easy to please a wife if she is willing to be pleased. As a now-sad (recently widowed) but formerly VERY happy wife of a very manly man, I can tell you that the first thing I looked for was a great sense of humor. Then integrity. The rest of it was mostly details, and they can be worked on as you go along. I went out of my way to affirm him in his choices and his good manly behavior (responsibility, diligence, etc.) and it paid off in such wonderful dividends that I am sure that I had one of the great loves of the century. Every couple can have this, if both want it.

I'm sorry for your loss, redhead. It sure sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your "manly man" (aren't they the best!?). God Bless.

[Quix]

I suspect there's plenty of truth to that!

And, some research would suggest . . . only by those who are bilaterally equal in their facial features etc.

[Quix]

Big belly laugh.

I think you're right.

[hummingbird]

Before I got married a friend told me something: "You know when is the best time to tell your wife you love her? Before someone else does."

Beautiful....smart, too!

[Quix]

I have a different definition of self-esteem.

A healthy person loved sufficiently in their childhood in quality and amount . . . will likely . . . be able to say:

I esteem that I am worthy of my mother and father's love because they have repeatedly demonstrate it. Therefore, I do not need to demean myself or grovel for relationship crumbs from other people. If someone likes me, great. If not, it's far from the end of the world. Enough people recognize my being worth breathing air and taking up space so--it's OK!

I esteem that God loves me as He created me in His image and His Son died that I might dwell with Him eternally.

I esteem that I am a worthy member of society because I can do meaningful work in a responsible way with integrity.

I esteem that I am a decent, likeable fellow because I've been taught how decent, likeable fellows behave and have been quite comfortable doing so for at least virtually the whole of my life. Besides that, I have a number of decent, likeable people who demonstrate that they like me over a long period of time.

THEREFORE, I do not need to play self-defeating games trying to force people to prove to me that I'm wonderful or worth existing. I do not need to grovel or be insincere, flakey or otherwise off the wall in efforts to get attention. I do not have to beg or force people to try and force me to be happy. My centeredness is rooted in God and anchored within myself and with God living in me. I'm not a victim of circumstances or other people's whim tastes in friends or relationships.

[Quix]

Far tooooo true far tooooooooooooo many times, it seems to me.

[SarahW]

"It's all about the status"

I actually agree, but it's because of what the status means - that she is highly valued, and sought after by a man who will make efforts to provide her with the best.

[Quix]

You could institute a FAMILY kind of communications wind change chart.

Perhaps use the refrigerator.

You could use colors, numbers, symbols. I'll choose colors.

Say GREY could symbolize in a kind of blue funk that one wants to be left alone in.

BLACK could signify suicidal--everyone please drop what they are doing and help me get back in touch with reality.

RED could signify I'M ANGRY--IF YOU TRIGGERED IT, STAY OUT OF MY WAY UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO ADMIT YOUR PART AND HEAL THE RELATIONSHIP.

GREEN could signify that I'm full of life and ready to interact with most anyone about almost anything.

PURPLE could signify that I'm feeling really generous and/or interested in intimate dialogue or closer contact.

etc. Each family could work out whatever made sense.

Then, on a large frige sized calendar, the colored magnets with names could be placed on each day as people felt like it.

It's a kind of coarse level of communication. But it could inobtrusively take some of the guesswork and mind reading/mind-f*rk junk out of relating. One could respond knowing a rough outline of where the person was likely to be.

A lot of times, there's just not enough playfulness and far too much control or stiltedness, awkwardness, stiffness in intimate--even emotionally intimate areas of relating and far too often much so in physical areas of intimately relating. Almost anything to jar things off the status quo and inject some element of fun or healthy gamey stuff into the relationship dynamics can be to the good.

AND MEN ARE LOATHE TO VENTURE FORWARD ONLY TO FEEL *CHOPPED OFF* FOR THEIR EFFORTS.

I think women REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY UNDERESTIMATE THE DEPTH of such feelings and the negativity that goes with such feelings on the part of some pretty brave, strong, assertive--even normally aggressive men.

[riri]

I believe you nurture the man into the man you want him to be. Everything else falls into place.

People who are concerned with stuff to inflate their self worth usually end up with not much in most departments. Except maybe, a bunch of stuff.

[SarahW]

Expensive flowers are also actually a crummy predictor of how a man will treat and provide for you in marriage.

Men who go all out on this during courtship are often men who love the thrill of the chase, knocking women off their feet, only to become bored with the woman and tight and cheap when the relationship is more secure.

So much so that I'd consider frequent gifts of expensive flowers and chocolates a warning sign!!

A splurge every once in a while though, is VERrrrrry nice, expecially when it's in return for some thoughtful thing you've done for your man, or in remembrance of a special day.

[Quix]

My most recent closer girl friend in Taiwan . . . I'd get her (American, caucasian) some greeting cards--that I'd carefully picked out because they said what I wanted to say to her--but which could also be used to give to other people she liked.

Sometimes I'd put a note in on a 3X5 card.

I felt that she benefitted when she received them AND when she gave them onward.

She actually agreed. But, she was often enough rather miffed or disappointed that I didn't write more, more often.

I was usually at a loss because we talked and prayed on the phone together nightly in addition to several face to face contacts in the week--and I really stayed current in all the positive things I'd say to her.

Ah, well. Live and learn.

Now I have 30-40 new, unused greeting cards to send her and am intent on slipping personal notes inside each one on 3 X 5 cards. And they've sat here for weeks while I try to get that task together. I wonder how many month's they'll be here.

Maybe I can do a few a week.

[Quix]

TOOOOO TRUE FARRRRRRRRRRR TOOOOOOOO OFTEN.

[Quix]

rEASONABLE COMMENT!

Promise Keepers has done a LOT toward that end.

FGBMI also has done some but not as much as they could have.

Some astute pastors do a lot. Others seem to worsen the situation by demanding everyone become churchaholics to the sacrifice of the family.

[Quix]

A bunch of

SAWDUST

in terms of value . . .

which they painfully realize if he gets killed by a drunk driver the next day after a major sawdust purchase/gift.

[hope]

What is a Biblical Marriage?