Posted on 01/06/2004 12:06:06 AM PST by JohnHuang2
'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'
Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern
© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com
Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?
Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."
Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.
What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?
- Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs
- Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them
- Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them
- Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so
- Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men
What are husbands' most important needs?
- He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting
- He wants to feel she needs and admires him
- He wants to know she desires him
- Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection
What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?
They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.
Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.
All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?
Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."
What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?
As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.
I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.
Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?
Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.
However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.
Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?
Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.
The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.
That's all well and good, but what are the practical implications of it? Your truck may be bigger than my car, with more capabilities, but it doesn't get you any more to a destination than mine will. Furthermore, why should I concede any superiority to your greater capacity on those occasions when you're not hauling anything, and you're using twice the fuel to get to the same place?
Men are more frightened of emotions than anything because one can't slice, dice, examine emotions anywhere near how one can examine, slice, measure, construct with a piece of wood, for example.
I think "frightened" is an inappropriate term. As you said, men are also emotional, so it's not as if they are ignorant of emotion. Men do mistrust emotional rationality, particularly when it's used to justify, for example, disdain of a hundred dollar gift for lack of two dollars worth of gift-wrapping. Much of the emotional rationality confronting men does bear a striking resemblance to looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth, or making major issues from esoteric distinctions... particularly when those distinctions would be ignored under different circumstances.
They are exceedingly tender and vulnerable in terms of their egos--especially in terms of their masculinity, potency, virility etc. They can hide it--some very well--under tons of bluster, bravado, toughness etc.
This may or may not be. The question is how would you know? You've structured the dynamic in such a way as to presume the thing you're claiming.
If a man stoicly receives criticism, is it because he's hiding his true feelings, or because he just doesn't believe the criticism has merit? Indeed, may it even have been proffered for the express purpose of causing distress? Any criticism has only so much impact as the recipient has regard for the opinion of the critic.
I suppose the "It's all the man's fault" accusation is true many times, but it is also a copout. Too often I talk to men who would welcome any direction from their wives on the matter but get frigid silence instead. It is probably born of her ignorance, but you can shake only so many books in a woman's face before you realize you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink.
Take the Kegel exercise, which could restore sexual function in many women. Try getting a woman to do it. Yet if that certain unpronounceable muscle lacks tone, no man will ever please that woman with intercourse.
Women's hyper sensitivities in terms of emotional etc. communications and perceptiveness can work against them when they are whiny, bitchy, insecure, demanding, perfectionistic etc. out of poor childhood attachment.
Some men need to realize women's hyper level of skills or focus in such areas and work more to at least be aware of that and maybe to meet it more half way. Women need to be aware of their preponderance in such areas and work more to translate into men's terms and priorities, values.
IMHO.
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. . . frightened . . . an inappropraite word
I appreciate your point but still believe mine has much validity. I've seen it too many times. Many men (not all) are uncomfortable with anything they can't manipulate easily with their hands or at least their minds. Emotions tend to fall OUTSIDE of those categories for most men. They feel like fish out of water in those areas--especially along side a very verbal, very emotionally skilled wife--and all the worse if such a wife is the least bit manipulative with same.
. . . looking gift horse in the mouth . . .
YES, THAT'S A HORRID PROBLEM in any relationship and too chronic and common in male/female relationships--again--especially if the spouse--often the wife--has not had good attachment bonding the first years of life.
They are exceedingly tender and vulnerable in terms of their egos--especially in terms of their masculinity, potency, virility etc. They can hide it--some very well--under tons of bluster, bravado, toughness etc.
This may or may not be. The question is how would you know?
It has been my experience and observations with 100's of husbands in hundreds of marriage and family counseling contexts. And similarly, 100's more observations of the same sort amongst my relatives, friends and other associates. Yes, your example may explain some. Certainly far from all.
Even in your last example, a wise man will communicate effectively in response. Gundecking, slipping and sliding; running and hiding; shucking and jiving; pretending and denying--will all degrade a relationship vs enhance it--regardless of what the spouse is doing or not doing.
I truly hope it is said in jest, though, and that you are very happy.
;)
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