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Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'
WorldNetDaily.com ^
| Tuesday, January 6, 2004
| Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Posted on 01/06/2004 12:06:06 AM PST by JohnHuang2
'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'
Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern
© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com
Why did you write this book aiming at the women aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?
Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."
Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.
What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?
- Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs
- Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them
- Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them
- Their women nag, demand, and complain and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so
- Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men
What are husbands' most important needs?
- He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting
- He wants to feel she needs and admires him
- He wants to know she desires him
- Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection
What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?
They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.
Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.
All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?
Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."
What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?
As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.
I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.
Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?
Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.
However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.
Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?
Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.
The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.
TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; Extended News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: bookreview; drlaura; propercare
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To: carlo3b
Where did all of the love go?*SIGH* That would be my question as well.
To: Eaker
bump
362
posted on
01/06/2004 6:54:13 PM PST
by
Chuzzlewit
(music, music and more music)
To: Woahhs
More likely they want to be understood by their intentions rather than their actions. WOW! You nailed that one!
363
posted on
01/06/2004 6:55:17 PM PST
by
bootless
(Never Forget)
To: carlo3b
I think it's time to admit something that I really didn't want to admit years ago, I wanted my woman to really need me. This was rebuffed in what became of the thoroughly modern women. I am so sorry that things changed. I spent my entire life growing up preparing to be a man to a woman. Secretly I always knew that women held all of the cards, but I wanted to sweep them off their feet. I needed more than the approval of my mate.. I wanted and needed her admiration.. It fed into my ego, and drove me to want to do even more and better.. I wanted a woman to need what I offered. I never performed better in my career, my domestic duties, or intimately, than when I knew I rang all of her chimes.
Wow man. You nailed it.
To: katana; All
Do you want your wife to worship the ground you walk on?
First, ask yourself this question - how does she show affection to others?
Does she give gifts? If so, even a single rose and a kiss will sway her.
Is she a doer, always running to help someone? Then help her. Do something around the house you typically don't do.
Is she crafty, someone who makes things? Make something just for her. Even if the end result is a disaster, give it to her anyway.
Is she a talker? Then compliment her. Seriously. I mean it. If she cooks a good meal, give her a kiss and tell her how delicious it was. If the house is clean when you get home, tell her how nice it looks and how much you appreciate all the hard works she does to keep it that way.
If you're in the mood, tell her she's the only one who ever turned your head, and has your entire heart. That there are times you're crazy just thinking about her, you want her so badly. In as much as a man likes to receive praise and affirmation of his desirability, women need it, too. Praise and affirmation help women overcome a lot of the hangups they have about their looks, their weight, etc.
It took me a while to realize that my husband's "love language" was physical affection. I was speaking to him in my love language - praise and affirmation of my need for him. But he is a doer, I needed to show him for him to really know it.
It took him a few more years to learn my love language, but it was worth the wait.
After 10 years and 2 great kids, I know I am one of the most blessed women on earth.
365
posted on
01/06/2004 7:04:04 PM PST
by
TheWriterInTexas
(With God's Grace, All Things Are Possible)
To: sonserae
Try a romantic gift for the birthday and she will gladly read the book you buy her later. Please define "romantic." And please try to stick to the conceptual rather than list a series of exemplars.
366
posted on
01/06/2004 7:07:39 PM PST
by
Woahhs
To: SauronOfMordor
Actions versus what they say.
Absolutely. Talk is cheap. Willful actions are the truth of the heart.
367
posted on
01/06/2004 7:08:48 PM PST
by
bootless
(Never Forget)
To: Southack
Excellent summation!
May I add a tidbit, as well? My husband and I noticed a trend amongst our friends that was rather alarming, and we vowed never to do that to each other - in short, treating their partners with disrespect.
Our few painful moments in over a decade of marriage stemmed directly from times when we treated each other disrespectfully. Thankfully, we were quick to forgive, eager to make amends, and more conscious of how we behaved in the future.
Life will permit any number of wolves to growl at your door. As long as you stand together, don't growl at each other and let the wolves in, the marriage can hold strong through the toughest times. We've weathered a lot, ill health, the loss of an unborn child, and financial hardships, but I wouldn't trade my husband for any man in the world.
God gave him to me, and I to him, and we treat each other that way.
368
posted on
01/06/2004 7:22:18 PM PST
by
TheWriterInTexas
(With God's Grace, All Things Are Possible)
To: Southack
EXCELLENT POST.
THOROUGHLY AGREE!
369
posted on
01/06/2004 7:26:47 PM PST
by
Quix
(Particularly quite true conspiracies are rarely proven until it's too late to do anything about them)
To: TheWriterInTexas
With how I have been treated at times, I too felt God sent me the person, as revenge and a sign to change or some sort of punishment for a misdeed. lol.
370
posted on
01/06/2004 7:28:22 PM PST
by
chris1
To: AnnaZ
WOW! ....just WOW!
If your married, got any simgle sisters?
371
posted on
01/06/2004 7:42:38 PM PST
by
NYTexan
(Dean is too short to get elected!)
To: GeronL
It's OK. Everybody thinks I'm going to commit suicide by giving this book to my wife on her birthday. I probably should have added "you know, this may sound completely stupid but ..." Then they could have just said "stupid doesn't even come close".
372
posted on
01/06/2004 7:49:05 PM PST
by
katana
To: duckbutt
This is just another take on what my granny told me a long time ago before I was married, "a man is simple....you keep his belly full, his b*lls empty and his ego boosted."
Oh my! That's GREAT! ROTFLOL!! And it works for me and my hubby, too! 20+ years and going strong...
Mama
To: Marie
How long have you been married? Seven years.
374
posted on
01/06/2004 8:01:28 PM PST
by
Yaelle
To: AppyPappy; All
A woman may say "I shouldn't have to do this to satisfy him" and she would be right. But someone else might be willing to do it.
I mostly agree with your post . . . but I was thinking as I read the above part . . .
One goes out into the world and latches onto someone which one hopes will become a life partner in building and increasing joy.
Now,
IF
we were somehow constructed
that after consumating a marriage, our physiology changed such that we produced some pheremone (sp?) or some such which, as a side-effect of our joy and pleasure, allowed our spouse to breathe. And, that from that moment of consumation on, without every few days recharging the production of the pheremone, our spouse could not breathe . . .
IF SUCH WERE THE REALITY, THEN the comment:
"I shouldn't have to do this to satisfy him"
would be rather ridiculous.
And, such is largely the case, in a sense.
THE KEY IS, GET ONE'S SH** TOGETHER BEFORE GETTING MARRIED--AT LEAST IN TERMS OF WORKING THROUGH LACK OF SUCCESSFUL EARLY LIFE ATTACHMENT. OTHERWISE, NO AMOUNT OF PERFECTION ON THE PART OF A SPOUSE WILL BE LIKELY TO SUCCEED.
IN my observations and painful personal experiences . . . CONTROL ISSUES are deadly to romance.
And, control issues tend most to raise their very ugly heads when individuals have been trained in them by parental control freaks and/or have not had successful early life, deep emotional attachment to their primary care giver(s).
ALSO, when people have not had their 'love buckets' filled early in life, then they tend to go through life feeling empty and grasping demandingly for those nearest them to fill them and
THEREBY
FORCE THE ONE WITH EMPTY LOVE BUCKES TO BE HAPPY. That's an effort doomed to failure.
As AppyPappy and others have said so well, no person "A" has the power to force person "B" to be happy or unhappy unless person "B" gives person "A" that power. But even then, it won't really work.
HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE--as Abraham Lincoln so wisely noted decades ago.
But without being trained to be more positive and optimistic, it is a challenging process to learn that SKILL, that HABIT. Happily, it is POSSIBLE to become more chronically optimistic--and thereby lengthen one's life; improve one's health and strengthen one's relationships.
But it's not usually a quick or easy process to grow-up in such capacities.
It may be necessary to weed one's friends and acquaintances and even one's relatives, first. If those around one are persistently poisoning the air, brain space etc. with negative comments, tones, attitudes, whining, pissing and moaning . . . then they need to be encouraged to shut up in one's presence or they need to be dropped from one's list of associates. It is more or less as serious to one's health and longevity as alcoholism or smoking.
Now, if one's married to a spouse like that . . . AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! They likely need to be made an offer they can't refuse. JOIN ME IN EXTENSIVE COUNSELING/RETRAINING or it's likely not going to work.
I will make some generalizations below--realizing that the sex related tendencies can be as true when the genders are reversed. However, in my experiences, the following tends to be true.
In terms of men and women . . . whining is not a good perfume for seduction, ladies. DUH!
I'm still amazed at how many women fail to realize how fragile MOST MEN'S egos are with respect to their spouses. A look, tone, inflection, mannerism can deflate a man in a list of ways more or less instantly. AND MOST MEN DON'T RECOVER emotionally as quickly as most women.
If one wants some goodies, one probably needs to prime the pump.
And, PRIMING THE PUMP means priming the pump IN TERMS THAT THE RECEIVER BEING PRIMED VIEWS AS POSITIVE. It doesn't work to say he/she SHOULD feel XYZ from one's entreaties. Love is what is love to the one receiving the attention.
My wife used to love to rub her foot on the back of my leg construing it as very sexy. For some strange reason, it was more like chalk on a blackboard, or a spider on my neck to me.
Jim Dobson had someone on FOCUS ON THE FAMILY in the last few months--I forget their names--noting that The Bible instructs MEN to LOVE their wives. Why no reciprocal? Because God CREATED WOMEN TO AUTOMATICALLY LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS AS NATURALLY AS BREATHING. But men have to focus on it, learn how, consciously persist in doing so; develop the habit of doing so.
Given our horridly shattered society and absent to horrid parenting as the norm--most individuals of both sexes are learning much more about whining selfishly for perceived deficiencies in the goodies delivered
rather than learning
how to sow, cultivate, nurture the goodies they hope for--first, foremost, medium and last.
As has been said about happiness--chasing it doesn't work. Turning one's sights to being the quality person one can be . . . attending to the business of BEING LOVEABLE . . . happiness and love will come along and land in one's lap.
But with so many individuals having 18+ early years of training to be an excellent whiner, selfish, wimpy, sniveling, insecure, low-self-esteem, brutish, demanding pig . . . it tends to take a LOT of work and a LOT of time to move from that to being LOVEABLE.
375
posted on
01/06/2004 8:20:39 PM PST
by
Quix
(Particularly quite true conspiracies are rarely proven until it's too late to do anything about them)
To: Axenolith
The last set I commisioned was diamonds surrounded by saphires.
Thought recently I have my eye on a white saphire number that would look good on her neck.
To: humblegunner; Eaker
They weren't actually bit, but my kids were convinced that little girls were on Mojo menu.
377
posted on
01/06/2004 8:25:55 PM PST
by
thackney
(Life is Fragile, Handle with Prayer)
To: AnnaZ
Your post was 100% right on! I think sometimes we women expect a boyfriend or husband to fulfill all our needs and they can't do that, they aren't perfect. There is only One who can. And isn't it wonderful that the Scriptures give us the instructions we need......women are to respect and have reverence for their husband and men are to love their wives.
To: Quix
I think you have hit the nail on the head here.
To: nightdriver
"Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities."
But this is the "feminist" gospel! One of those horse-faced harridans once wrote "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I agree, to the extent that any woman who believes that claptrap needs this man like a fish needs a bicycle... and I need her like a bicycle needs a fish.
380
posted on
01/06/2004 8:30:14 PM PST
by
Oberon
(What does it take to make government shrink?)
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