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A woman may say "I shouldn't have to do this to satisfy him" and she would be right. But someone else might be willing to do it.

I mostly agree with your post . . . but I was thinking as I read the above part . . .

One goes out into the world and latches onto someone which one hopes will become a life partner in building and increasing joy.

Now,

IF

we were somehow constructed

that after consumating a marriage, our physiology changed such that we produced some pheremone (sp?) or some such which, as a side-effect of our joy and pleasure, allowed our spouse to breathe. And, that from that moment of consumation on, without every few days recharging the production of the pheremone, our spouse could not breathe . . .

IF SUCH WERE THE REALITY, THEN the comment:

"I shouldn't have to do this to satisfy him"

would be rather ridiculous.

And, such is largely the case, in a sense.

THE KEY IS, GET ONE'S SH** TOGETHER BEFORE GETTING MARRIED--AT LEAST IN TERMS OF WORKING THROUGH LACK OF SUCCESSFUL EARLY LIFE ATTACHMENT. OTHERWISE, NO AMOUNT OF PERFECTION ON THE PART OF A SPOUSE WILL BE LIKELY TO SUCCEED.

IN my observations and painful personal experiences . . . CONTROL ISSUES are deadly to romance.

And, control issues tend most to raise their very ugly heads when individuals have been trained in them by parental control freaks and/or have not had successful early life, deep emotional attachment to their primary care giver(s).

ALSO, when people have not had their 'love buckets' filled early in life, then they tend to go through life feeling empty and grasping demandingly for those nearest them to fill them and

THEREBY

FORCE THE ONE WITH EMPTY LOVE BUCKES TO BE HAPPY. That's an effort doomed to failure.

As AppyPappy and others have said so well, no person "A" has the power to force person "B" to be happy or unhappy unless person "B" gives person "A" that power. But even then, it won't really work.

HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE--as Abraham Lincoln so wisely noted decades ago.

But without being trained to be more positive and optimistic, it is a challenging process to learn that SKILL, that HABIT. Happily, it is POSSIBLE to become more chronically optimistic--and thereby lengthen one's life; improve one's health and strengthen one's relationships.

But it's not usually a quick or easy process to grow-up in such capacities.

It may be necessary to weed one's friends and acquaintances and even one's relatives, first. If those around one are persistently poisoning the air, brain space etc. with negative comments, tones, attitudes, whining, pissing and moaning . . . then they need to be encouraged to shut up in one's presence or they need to be dropped from one's list of associates. It is more or less as serious to one's health and longevity as alcoholism or smoking.

Now, if one's married to a spouse like that . . . AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! They likely need to be made an offer they can't refuse. JOIN ME IN EXTENSIVE COUNSELING/RETRAINING or it's likely not going to work.

I will make some generalizations below--realizing that the sex related tendencies can be as true when the genders are reversed. However, in my experiences, the following tends to be true.

In terms of men and women . . . whining is not a good perfume for seduction, ladies. DUH!

I'm still amazed at how many women fail to realize how fragile MOST MEN'S egos are with respect to their spouses. A look, tone, inflection, mannerism can deflate a man in a list of ways more or less instantly. AND MOST MEN DON'T RECOVER emotionally as quickly as most women.

If one wants some goodies, one probably needs to prime the pump.

And, PRIMING THE PUMP means priming the pump IN TERMS THAT THE RECEIVER BEING PRIMED VIEWS AS POSITIVE. It doesn't work to say he/she SHOULD feel XYZ from one's entreaties. Love is what is love to the one receiving the attention.

My wife used to love to rub her foot on the back of my leg construing it as very sexy. For some strange reason, it was more like chalk on a blackboard, or a spider on my neck to me.

Jim Dobson had someone on FOCUS ON THE FAMILY in the last few months--I forget their names--noting that The Bible instructs MEN to LOVE their wives. Why no reciprocal? Because God CREATED WOMEN TO AUTOMATICALLY LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS AS NATURALLY AS BREATHING. But men have to focus on it, learn how, consciously persist in doing so; develop the habit of doing so.

Given our horridly shattered society and absent to horrid parenting as the norm--most individuals of both sexes are learning much more about whining selfishly for perceived deficiencies in the goodies delivered

rather than learning

how to sow, cultivate, nurture the goodies they hope for--first, foremost, medium and last.

As has been said about happiness--chasing it doesn't work. Turning one's sights to being the quality person one can be . . . attending to the business of BEING LOVEABLE . . . happiness and love will come along and land in one's lap.

But with so many individuals having 18+ early years of training to be an excellent whiner, selfish, wimpy, sniveling, insecure, low-self-esteem, brutish, demanding pig . . . it tends to take a LOT of work and a LOT of time to move from that to being LOVEABLE.