Dr. Laura Schlessinger: 'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

WorldNetDaily.com ^ | Tuesday, January 6, 2004 | Dr. Laura Schlessinger

[JohnHuang2]

'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'

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Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?

Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."

Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?

• Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs

• Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them

• Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them

• Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so

• Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands' most important needs?

• He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting

• He wants to feel she needs and admires him

• He wants to know she desires him

• Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection

What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?

They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.

All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?

Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."

What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?

As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.

I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.

Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?

Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.

However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.

Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?

Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.

The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.

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[Quix]

THANKS MUCH.

Uhhhh . . . which part?

[eddie willers]

Once I discovered that my husband honestly wasn't keeping any deep thoughts from me (yes, he can actually sit in a car for a 30 minute drive without thinking about anything) our marriage got much better.

LOL!
When we're "deep in thought" behing the wheel, we really are thinking things like, "Damn...the Braves shouldn't have traded Javy Lopez" or "356 more miles and I've gotta change the oil".

You're very wise to have figured us "wily" guys out.

[CajunConservative]

This part:

Jim Dobson had someone on FOCUS ON THE FAMILY in the last few months--I forget their names--noting that The Bible instructs MEN to LOVE their wives. Why no reciprocal? Because God CREATED WOMEN TO AUTOMATICALLY LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS AS NATURALLY AS BREATHING. But men have to focus on it, learn how, consciously persist in doing so; develop the habit of doing so.

Given our horridly shattered society and absent to horrid parenting as the norm--most individuals of both sexes are learning much more about whining selfishly for perceived deficiencies in the goodies delivered rather than learning how to sow, cultivate, nurture the goodies they hope for--first, foremost, medium and last.

As has been said about happiness--chasing it doesn't work. Turning one's sights to being the quality person one can be . . . attending to the business of BEING LOVEABLE . . . happiness and love will come along and land in one's lap.

But with so many individuals having 18+ early years of training to be an excellent whiner, selfish, wimpy, sniveling, insecure, low-self-esteem, brutish, demanding pig . . . it tends to take a LOT of work and a LOT of time to move from that to being LOVEABLE.

[Quix]

There's another issue that I think is also very potent in all this.

Women are foolish to depend on HUBBY to meet ALL their emotional needs.

Women need each other. Historically, women met in groups routinely; quilting groups etc. . . . an extensive network of support for one another.

Now they are too busy competing with men in the work place and have little energy left for themselves, much less for a lover, much less for in bed with a lover.

They certainly have nothing left to cultivate a support group of women.

But even a perfect husband is INCAPABLE of meeting all the emotional needs of a woman. Men have to work hard at learning to communicate feelings and vulnerabilities well--as well as love, affection, attentiveness, thoughtfulness etc. At their best, they will still only be one person and always from the perspective of a man. Women in their makeup need more than that for feeling understood, affirmed as a woman by other women etc.

The only solution I see is that they need to cultivate 3-4 friendships within which they can feel understood and supported from a female reference group standpoint.

[Quix]

I do think men fail in this respect . . . overwhelmingly . . .

They can communicate verbally so wonderously while courting, seducing the focus of their admirations.

Get them married and it's like they forget their native tongue. Verbal communications are reduced to grunts and unhunh's. Attentive affirmations and affections--devoted inquiries and frequent admirations toward their spouse become rare to nonexistent--routinely.

Then they want the woman to be instantly hot to trot. Women aren't wired that way. They need wound up 24 hours a day with EMOTIONAL INTIMACY AND ATTENTION IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

[Eaker]

Severely Off Topic - MinPin People Only

[longtermmemmory]

The www.family.org is a good web site. They also have their focus on the family radio show.

The book is not perfect, far from it. But it may mark a turning point where reform in the form of reaffirmation of the family and respect IN marriage is starting to take shape.

IOW since feminism is officially dead the seeds of traditional values are starting to grow.

[Quix]

A much larger percentage of a woman's brain is devoted to nuance, subtlty in verbal and nonverbal communication; emotional expression, perception and interpretation etc.

Emotions are a major portion of a woman's being, language, perceptions and constructions of the world, of reality.

Men get wound up over sports, sex, achievement/work/conquest. Men are more frightened of emotions than anything because one can't slice, dice, examine emotions anywhere near how one can examine, slice, measure, construct with a piece of wood, for example.

Emotions can't be controlled and by definition, if it can't be controlled, measured, packaged, analyized, then men are more likely to be at least wary of it, if not terrified of it whether consciouisly or unconsciously.

However, MEN ARE EMTIONAL creatures, too. But very differently so and in a variety of different ways and levels.

They are exceedingly tender and vulnerable in terms of their egos--especially in terms of their masculinity, potency, virility etc. They can hide it--some very well--under tons of bluster, bravado, toughness etc. And a wife may never know how deep her off hand phrase stabbed the knife to the heart--but it did. And many men have a hard time putting such minor things behind them and going back for more--with still again--a vulnerable heart tender toward their spouse.

[Quix]

Negotiating with women tends to be different. It can work.

Often, they are better at it--especially around relationship issues.

Probably you need a 3rd party to manage such negotiations.

But there'll still be the working it out that can be tricky. One has to persist in the new behaviors for quite a long time.

[longtermmemmory]

I remember a contract negotiation with a particular woman lawyer. We had to re-read every draft she submitted because whe would alter segments we had already agreed upon.

Eventually I just locked all concerned in an office and had my secretary do the only typing.

Yes women, especially women lawyers negotiate differently.

[Quix]

I don't think she lives in a dream world.

She would likely agree with you.

She might disagree about how to change that status quo.

Most men are idiots about male/female relationships and relationships in general.

Men are good at conquests, fighting, working hard, achieving by brute or intellectual force etc.

They CAN be good at CERTAIN TYPES OF MALE BONDING and TEAM BUILDING. And SOME of that is transferrable, translatable into terms which their spouses would be thrilled with.

But they need taught and nurtured toward such changes.

[Quix]

Men are much LESS mind readers than women.

And they are often clueless about how to respond. Even if told. Often they need repeatedly led by the hand--perhaps in sex quite literally.

Men learn much better by doing than by hearing.

[Quix]

UNDERSTANDABLE.

BUT

you COULD

focus on active listening skills as a sacrificial gift of love to your beloved.

You COULD lay aside your frustrations and horniness long enough to TUNE IN and insure that she knows you are TUNED IN.

After all, you want her to TUNE IN TO 'OSCAR!' Tune in to where she is first. Not too much to ask a man who's supposed to love his spouse as Christ loved the Church--to the point of laying down his life for her.

[Quix]

Relatively few men read books.

Men need stories. Construct a story as a parable illustrating your message. Insure that the story is cast with factors, components which are central to his world and priorities. Insure the story is believable whether fiction or not.

IF THE STORY IS CONSTRUCTED WELL ENOUGH--he will have no defense against it.

Jesus talked almost exclusively in stories. Actually, men's brains seem to be constructed to take in, understand, comprehend, integrate, relate to, use stories much better than any other form of communication.

When men get together, they swap stories--war stories, job stories, sports stories (brave ones or brash ones or phoney ones--even sex stories).

Women share feelings. Men share stories.

Talk to men in stories. Works much better.

ALSO--AVOID CLOSING THE CIRCLE FULLY. Leave part of the circle open so it will niggle at the man and he will have to at least unconsciously ponder it more and longer. If you tidy everything up, it's easier for him to dismiss. Leave part of it for him to discover and conclude with his own AHHH HAH INSIGHT from his pondering of your story.

[longtermmemmory]

You really have bought the pop-psychology line about men havn't you?

However it sounds like you are demonstrating everything Dr. Laura says is bad about women in relationships with men. Now I don't agree with everyting in her book but at least I understand where she is going with her concepts. It is most definitly not where you are.

[Quix]

I strongly disagree. I think she does more men more good than a long list of male stars on the radio.

[Quix]

Great insight.

[Quix]

Balance is important.

But sometimes ONE person has to load the other side with goodies enough for the otherside to begin to want to share some of them back and to have something to share back with.

[Quix]

I have been known to brazenly give a person a note on a 3X5 card in such situations.

Hopefully, a redemptive note.

[Quix]

Much agree.

Oh, and
. . . taken or burned out.