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Funniest news stories of 2003 ^ | 12/29/2003 | Joe Kovacs

Posted on 12/29/2003 7:56:45 PM PST by ovrtaxt

Joe Kovacs title Joe Kovacs

WND Exclusive Commentary

Funniest news stories of 2003

Posted: December 29, 2003
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2003

Holy smokes!

This year just flew by. So it's time to recount the events of 2003 before another war breaks out and no one has time

to laugh. So sit back, enjoy yourself, and get that image of Britney Spears kissing Madonna out of your head.

Or don't. That's none of my business.

War is hell, and funny as hell

There's no question the top news event of 2003 was Operation: Iraqi Freedom, but to many anti-war women,

opposition meant much more than carrying picket signs. It meant getting naked.

'No Bush' protest in New York City

Leave it to the fruitcakes in New York City and West Marin, Calif., to strip themselves of all clothing and use their bodies to spell out messages such as – I kid you not – "NO bUSH." I can only assume they're referring to our president.

An account of the "New York strip" posted on the Bare Witness website, states: "As we lay in the snow we screamed sentiments like 'Read my lips, Bush!'"

I couldn't make this stuff up. News just doesn't get much better than that.

But a careful examination of the photo reveals the letter b is not capitalized, so the slogan actually reads "NO bUSH."

Yes, irony can be pretty ironic.

Reports of 'Evil Bert' in spider hole with Saddam still unconfirmed


The crowning glory in the "bush" theme came when Saddam Hussein was finally caught sporting his new Rip Van

Winkle look in the "spider hole."

Maybe it's just me, but I thought I saw someone on a street corner recently bearing a striking resemblance and

carrying a cardboard sign reading, "Will terrorize for food."

'I triple guarantee you'

The comedic star of the war itself was the loveable liar, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, also known as "Baghdad

Bob" and "Comical Ali" for his entertaining way of stretching the truth.

Sahhaf became an international star in the final days of fighting, making hard-to-believe claims about Iraqi

successes and U.S. failures, including:

Sahhaf becomes 'Joe Isuzu' of marketing

Sahhaf's image was snagged by advertisers to push budget Irish airline Ryanair and an Australian ski park, and a

U.S. dollmaker added "Bob" to its collection of newsmaker


In an April WorldNetDaily column, I wondered if

Democrats and the Hollywood elite could improve their public image by being a bit more "Sahhaf-spoken."

A few examples:

And speaking of the Dixie Chicks, the country trio became embroiled in controversy after singer Natalie Maines – a

Texan – told a crowd of London concertgoers, "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is

from Texas."

The controversy landed them in Entertainment Weekly, and they raised a few more eyebrows by posing nude on the

strategically positioned cover.

Dixie Chicks on Entertainment Weekly cover

The provocative display was quickly spoofed on the Internet, with a mock version of the magazine titled Airbrush

Quarterly, making light of the hefty job allegedly needed to make Maines appear pudge-less.

Spoof cover mocks Natalie Maines' pudge (

Homeland insecurity

The war on terror prompted the federal government to step up warnings on how Americans should handle potential

disaster scenarios, so it created a website featuring numerous symbols

with emergency instructions.

According to the U.S. politics forum, "the fun thing is

that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything."

Disaster advice: Conserve oxygen by not farting

For instance, one government illustration tells people what to do href="">if trapped by debris in an explosion: "Avoid unnecessary

movement so that you don't kick up dust."

But others suggest an alternate meaning: "If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting."

Breaking news: Tales of flatulence

This year was literally a gas, with an unusually high number of stories about breaking wind.

In October, a British man carring a href="">toy dog which breaks wind

caused a major security alert at the airport in Norfolk, Va.

According to the BBC, Dave Rogerson "was questioned by FBI agents and looked on in amazement as they took a

series of swabs from the mechanical toy's rear end."

"They told me it is the highest reading they had for explosives and they took it very seriously," Rogerson said. "They

were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog."

Better check its diet.

Biologists also linked a mysterious, href="">underwater flatulence sound to bubbles coming

out of a herring's anus, reported New

Scientist magazine.

"It sounds just like a high-pitched raspberry," said Ben Wilson of the University of British Columbia.

Not without a sense of humor, the team handling the discovery named it a Fast Repetitive Tick, or FRT, for short.

Just for the halibut, I admit I never really wondered if herrings had an anus.

Real-life flatulence ended up with an $80,000 award to a man unjustly fired for ripping a colleague whom he

believed floated an air biscuit intentionally.

"My colleague was absolutely aware of the awful smell. It was pure provocation," computer technician Goran

Andervass told Aftonbladet. "I felt provoked by

the fart at 7:30 a.m. and it made me terribly angry."

An official with the Swedish Work Environment Authority said, "If a fart is done on purpose when going into

somebody's office, it is important that management takes the matter seriously."

The scoop on the poop

I've heard the expression "waste not, want not," but what's happening in the Pacific Northwest is, for lack of a better

word, wrong.

It seems people are leaving thousands of plastic jugs and bags on the roadside filled with their own urine and feces.

"Several years ago, we started finding them and didn't know what to do with them and left them," Karen Cagle, a

highway-cleanup supervisor told the href="">Tri-City Herald in Washington.

"It's incredible what's out there. Where is it going to stop?"

Government 'waste'? Actual ad to deter bottled urine

"We call them 'trucker bottles,'" said Megan Warfield with the state department of ecology, "but we've done surveys

and people have admitted to doing this when they don't want to stop."

Not only is taxpayer money hard at work conducting surveys about the No. 1 and No. 2, but government workers

are "doo-ing their duty" by advertising to stop the problem.

A full-page newspaper ad includes a photo of a urine-filled plastic milk jug, along with the message: "Okay, one

last time: This is not a urinal."

Just wild about Harry

'Dobby,' Putin separated at birth? (Ananova)

The Harry Potter juggernaut continued to roll in 2003, causing some embarrassment at the Kremlin as Russian

president Vladimir

Putin was said to bear a striking resemblance to "Dobby," the computer-generated elf character in the "Chamber of

Secrets" sequel.

Potter websites and chatrooms were reportedly flooded with angry Russians blasting suggestions of a likeness.

Apparently, image is everything in the former evil empire, and not just with Potter and Putin. Ex-president href="">Mikhail Gorbachev decided to trademark his

famous forehead, name, and nickname of Gorby.

"It especially bothered him that his image was being used on vodka," Gorby spokesman Vladimir Polyakov told the

Moscow Times. "He will only allow his name to be used on respectable products."


Last year, Attorney General John Ashcroft came under fire for href="">covering up bare-chested statues at

the Justice Department. While some felt he was acting like a boob, his actions were echoed in 2003.

In Kent, Ohio, someone called the cops on Crystal Lynn for building a snowwoman in her yard which may have

been a little too, shall we say, built.

"Celery for the eyes, a carrot for the nose and two blobs of snow for the breasts," is how the href="">Akron Beacon Journal described it. No

word if the cold weather was having extra impact.

An anonymous caller complained about the "inappropriate snow figure," and a police officer showed up at Lynn's

door just after her masterpiece was completed.

"He said that I should cut off her breasts, but I said no woman wants that," Lynn told the Journal.

Lynn didn't have a shirt big enough to cover the busty snowbabe, so she pulled an Ashcroft and draped a tablecloth

around the snowy shoulders.

Meanwhile in Norway, an advertisement was busted not for its image, but the words which accompanied it,

according to Aftenposten.

'Attractive and well-tended, including new balconies and easy access'


"The image of a well-endowed woman with a low-cut shirt that bared her belly, was coupled with real estate text

offering a property that was 'Attractive and well-tended, including new balconies and easy access,'" the paper reported.

Officials felt implanting that message was a little over the top.

Do the 'Funky Chicken'

Sometimes news gets so bizarre, it can really ruffle some feathers. In San Francisco, it did just that, literally.

It seems police patrolling a local park knocked on a car window, only to discover a man inside with two chickens –

one on his lap, the other in the passenger seat.

"What's with the chickens?" the officer asked, according to the href="">San

Francisco Chronicle.

"I'm going to take them home and eat them,'' the driver replied.

Then, in a scene reminiscent of a fast-food commercial reminding us that chickens don't have nuggets, the cop

ordered him to "lift up the chicken."

When the man did, he was flapped into custody and the hens were given a sexual battery exam. A law-enforcement

source clucked that the killer part of the trial would be the "other evidence: a 15-ounce jar of Vaseline ... with three

feathers in it.''

Heavy-hearted, among other things

We found out just a month ago that Monica Lewinsky, the former White House intern whose sexual relationship

with ex-President Bill Clinton led to his impeachment, is having

man trouble.

In an interview in GQ magazine, the 30-year-old lamented the difficulty she's had in dating men.

Lewinsky: Please like me (BBC News)

While she says she's gone out with a number of people, she admits it's a hefty task for gents to get over her troubled


"If I were a guy and I'd heard all those things about a girl, I don't know that I'd want to take her out," Lewinsky told

GQ. "I want to shake them and say, 'C'mon, just like me! Do what I say!"

I'm not trying to be mean, but perhaps the reason lies elsewhere. One glimpse of Lewinsky makes me think she has

an appetite for things other than romance.

One day at a time, Sweet Jesus

'Last Supper' bars too tempting? (Bucks County Courier Times)

Speaking of appetite, in Pennsylvania, Jesus became the subject of a holy war over candy as chocolate lovers

questioned whether they should consume bars featuring the image of the Son of God.

"I just don't think that you should eat anything that's Jesus," Liz Samuel told the href="">Bucks County Courier Times. "It's

OK to eat the cross as long as God is not on it."

Chocolatier Pamela Roberts told the paper she was reluctant at first to sell "The Last Supper" bars: "Sometimes I

think it could be a sacrilege. But the nuns just love them."

Talking to the walls

In the realm of home decor, the thought of Martha Stewart in a jail jumpsuit certainly brought a chuckle to many

this year, but a more fascinating item came out of Germany, where lonely singles are now putting up href="">wallpaper with life-size fake friends to relieve their


'Friends' can get plastered without trashing your home (Ananova)

"They can be pulled off and stuck back on as often as needed," reports Ananova.

Creator Susanne Schmidt says, "The friends we provide are not very talkative, but they are guaranteed not to argue

with you at Christmas, promise to be there all the time and don't leave dirty dishes or argue over the TV remote


So help me, God

In Ozark County, Mo., a man charged with tampering sought help from the highest court in existence by href="">requesting Jesus Christ to be his attorney.

Not too unlike the rest of us, Richard Adams refers to lawyers as "devils." Judge John Moody actually told Adams

he had no problem with Jesus as chief counsel, as long as Christ were licensed to practice law in the state.

Smirking their responsibility

We've all heard tales of government officials not doing the job they were elected to do, but in Palo Alto, Calif., the

clowns running the city actually sought to create a "no-frown zone."

Fed up with a lack of civility at city-council meetings, officials wanted a code of conduct prohibiting non-verbal

forms of "disagreement or disgust.'' That meant no rolling eyes, shaking heads or frowning.

"I don't want to muzzle my colleagues,'' Councilmember Judy Kleinberg told the href="">San Jose Mercury News. "But they should

try to act like adults. I don't think the people sitting around the Cabinet with the president roll their eyes.''

University of Kansas politics professor Burdett Loomis called the idea "bizarre."

"When is someone frowning?" he asked. "Maybe that's their ordinary look."

Beam me up, Scotty

And if you think the doofuses in government are found solely in California, think again. In Portland, Ore., officials

seeking to help mental patients advertised for workers who were fluent in Klingon, the fictitious language spoken by

aliens on "Star Trek."

The future of your government?

"There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak," said the

county's purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway, according to the href=",2933,86550,00.html">Associated Press.

Franna must have been hit with a phaser set for stun.

After headlines across the nation ridiculed the suggestion, the href="">county

admitted "it was a mistake, and a result of an overzealous attempt to ensure that our safety-net systems can respond

to all customers and clients."

'This game is da shiznit'

In the ever-growing effort to celebrate cultural diversity, David Chang, an immigrant entrepreneur from Taiwan,

became part of American pop culture by marketing a Monopoly-like game with a modern urban theme called Ghettopoly.

The game requires "playas" to steal and sell drugs while building crack houses and public housing. It features

endorsements by the likes of "Master B." who says, "This game is da shiznit."

Some of the cards in the game read:

Dark forecast

Finally, for the color-conscious zealots in America, you'll be proud to know you have at least one member of

Congress fighting for your concerns.

Sheila Jackson Lee: 'Lily white' hurricanes should be more black

The congressional newspaper the Hill reported Rep. Sheila Jackson

Lee, D-Texas, felt the current names for hurricanes were too "lily white," and href="/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=33896">demanded the storms be given names that sound "black."

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Texas

"All racial groups should be represented," Lee said, according to the Hill. She hoped federal weather officials

"would try to be inclusive of African-American names."

Reactions poured in from all over the country.

"You know nobody's very excited when a hurricane's heading their way, and yet here she is demanding that

hurricanes be named after black people," opined radio host Rush Limbaugh.

Others wrote WorldNetDaily to suggest naming the storms after gang members, infamous criminals and even the

French, so the fear of hurricanes would finally be put to rest.

I'm not sure if there's a quintessential black name to help the congresswoman out, but after racking my brain for all

of 10 minutes, I think I came up with a good one:

Hurricane Buckwheat.

I don't know a single lily-white person whose name is Buckwheat.

The thing is, Buckwheat from "The Little Rascals" is such a well-recognized and beloved figure. The name would

instill much less stress on the public in harm's way. I mean, after all, who would be terrified by Hurricane Buckwheat?

So, thank you, Ms. Jackson Lee for outlining your concern in such a black-and-white manner, and for reminding us

all why members of Congress are held in such high regard.

There you have it, another year has come and gone, and Al Gore is still failing to collect any royalties for inventing

the Internet. Keep in mind 2004 is an election year, so he can at least get an early start on "counting all the


Previous columns:

Funniest news stories of 2002

Funniest news stories of 2001

2000: All the news that's fun to print

Democrats to adopt Iraqi 'super lies'?

Related stories:

'Baghdad Bob' returns to TV?

'Baghdad Bob' bravado sells

Springsteen backs Dixie Chicks

Monica Lewinsky: I can't get a man

Store chain axes Ghettopoly

'Black' hurricane names brewing swirl of dissent

TOPICS: Culture/Society; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: 2003review; humor
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1 posted on 12/29/2003 7:56:45 PM PST by ovrtaxt
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To: Mrs Zip; BOBWADE
2 posted on 12/29/2003 7:58:31 PM PST by zip
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To: zip
Hurricane Buckwheat.


3 posted on 12/29/2003 8:03:57 PM PST by ovrtaxt (*The Dems are the gas, the Reps are the brakes --- But they are parts of the same machine.*)
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To: ovrtaxt
I Love this game,We play weekly friends love it too.....

4 posted on 12/29/2003 8:09:48 PM PST by cmsgop ( It comes out your bum,Like a bullet from a gun,.."Diarrhea, Diarrhea"...........)
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To: ovrtaxt
Next time, could you single-space it?
5 posted on 12/29/2003 8:13:19 PM PST by boris (The deadliest Weapon of Mass Destruction in History is a Leftist With a Word Processor)
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To: cmsgop
Where is it available?
6 posted on 12/29/2003 8:13:59 PM PST by ovrtaxt (*The Dems are the gas, the Reps are the brakes --- But they are parts of the same machine.*)
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To: ovrtaxt
7 posted on 12/29/2003 8:15:06 PM PST by cmsgop ( It comes out your bum,Like a bullet from a gun,.."Diarrhea, Diarrhea"...........)
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To: boris
Sorry about the formatting. I just copied and pasted from the source window. Didn't want to spend all night cleaning it up.
8 posted on 12/29/2003 8:15:15 PM PST by ovrtaxt (*The Dems are the gas, the Reps are the brakes --- But they are parts of the same machine.*)
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To: ovrtaxt
true news story (sorry this is not 2003, but it is funny).

Pub sued after drinker tapes pork chops to feet
The Independent (U.K.) | 06/26/2002 | Kathy Marks

A man is suing a pub in Australia after slipping on grease allegedly left by a fellow drinker who had taped pork chops to his feet as a joke.
Troy Bowron, 25, broke his arm and says he had to give up his job as an upholsterer's apprentice. He is claiming A$750,000 (£280,000) in compensation from the Jannali Inn in southern Sydney and its owner, Kelly Wells, for "permitting the use of pork chops as footwear in circumstances that the defendant knew, or should have known, that such use would have produced a hidden trap".

Mr Bowron is also suing the drinker, Ross Lucock, over the accident in November 1997. One witness told the New South Wales District Court yesterday that he saw Mr Lucock tape the chops to his feet. "He was parading around," he said. Mr Lucock also allegedly rode a skateboard in the pub while wearing the meat.

Mr Bowron said he was playing in a pool competition that night. He said the floor became greasy and he slipped on the fat and fell. Mr Bowron, who says he partly lost the use of his arm, is suing Mr Lucock for negligence, claiming his antics caused a dangerous situation.
9 posted on 12/29/2003 8:19:24 PM PST by edwin hubble
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To: ovrtaxt; Mo1



10 posted on 12/29/2003 8:20:32 PM PST by prairiebreeze (President George W. Bush....most assuredly, MY President!)
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To: prairiebreeze
O M G ... Ok that was really funny *L*
11 posted on 12/29/2003 8:31:29 PM PST by Mo1 (House Work, If you do it right , will kill you!)
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To: edwin hubble
"Troy Bowron, 25, [sued] Jannali Inn in southern Sydney and its owner, Kelly Wells, for "permitting the use of pork chops as footwear in circumstances that the defendant knew, or should have known, that such use would have produced a hidden trap".

Shouldn't that be hidden TRIP?
12 posted on 12/29/2003 9:51:14 PM PST by jocon307 (The dems don't get it, the American people do!)
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To: ovrtaxt
Great reading!
13 posted on 12/29/2003 10:06:00 PM PST by ladyinred (God Bless our Troops!)
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To: ovrtaxt
Some good reading.
14 posted on 12/29/2003 10:57:04 PM PST by boycott
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To: edwin hubble
Pork chops on shoes in a bar-- gives new meaning to "pickled pig feet".
15 posted on 12/30/2003 4:04:03 AM PST by ovrtaxt (*The Dems are the gas, the Reps are the brakes --- But they are parts of the same machine.*)
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To: ovrtaxt
John F@#* Kerry talks to the faithful:

16 posted on 12/30/2003 4:18:57 AM PST by Aeronaut (In my humble opinion, the new expression for backing down from a fight should be called 'frenching')
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To: ovrtaxt; Constitution Day; dubyaismypresident; WhyisaTexasgirlinPA; Cagey; cmsgop; martin_fierro
"the fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything."


17 posted on 12/30/2003 8:01:59 AM PST by MotleyGirl70
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To: MotleyGirl70
Re my previous post Homeland insecurity
18 posted on 12/30/2003 8:10:21 AM PST by MotleyGirl70
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To: MotleyGirl70
Those are funny. Do you ever visit They do a lot of photoshop stuff over there. Just look for the threads labled with the photoshop logo.

19 posted on 12/30/2003 8:17:55 AM PST by Rebelbase (If I stay on topic for more than 2 posts something is wrong. Alert the authorities.)
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To: ovrtaxt
"Hurricane Perp"
20 posted on 12/30/2003 8:53:52 AM PST by Dionysius
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