Posted on 12/18/2003 12:13:45 PM PST by Publius
The following is a work of fiction, although I suspect there is far too much fact in it for comfort.
It is the day before the presidential election of 2000. The place is a conference room in an office building in New York City. Present are representatives of the Democratic National Committee and the various network representatives with the old Voters News Service. To protect the guilty, identities will be stated by organization, not name.
DNC: Good morning, gentlemen. You’re probably wondering why we asked that this meeting be held in a building not connected with your parent organizations. A neutral site, as it were.
CNN: Not me. You’ve got something up your sleeve.
DNC: Gentlemen, we’re in a difficult situation. Our polling indicates that this election will be the closest since 1960. And that means we’re going to have to duplicate our success of that year.
CBS: Sam Giancana’s dead. That dog won’t hunt.
DNC: Our means are different, even if our end is the same. We have too much riding on this election. The fate of the country. The fate of liberalism. The fate of everything you and your corporate ancestors have worked for since the end of World War II. This one is going to be too close, and we’re going to have to guide the voters to the correct decision. (pauses) We believe the key is Florida.
NBC: The old chalkboard doesn’t lie.
DNC: No, sir, it doesn’t. Florida is an unusual state. It’s split between two time zones with a single time for the closing of the polls. That means that the polls in Florida close twice, once for each time zone. The Eastern time zone is dominated by Democratic votes in South Florida, and the Central time zone by Republican votes in redneck country. Suppose, just for the sake of argument, the networks call Florida for Gore when the polls in the Eastern time zone shut down.
CNN: You just skated off the edge. That’s illegal!
DNC: It’s a violation of administrative law, not criminal law. The fine is chump change.
NBC: And then the FCC investigates and takes away the licenses of our TV stations.
DNC: I can guarantee you the Gore Administration will make sure the investigation exonerates your organizations of any and all illegalities.
NBC: You know, if Clinton had packed it in before impeachment, we wouldn’t be here. You’d be sitting on a Gore landslide tomorrow.
DNC: When we suggested resignation to the president, he threw us out of his office. You were all quite helpful in digging up the dirt on Thurmond and Lott—
CBS: And Byrd and Hyde and Burton and Livingston—
ABC: And Jefferson—
(general laughter)
DNC: Your country and cause need you today, gentlemen.
ABC: My country doesn’t have your problems with Radical Right buffoons.
DNC: Present company excepted. (pauses) We believe that an early call of Florida will suppress enough Republican turnout to hand the state to Gore. (pauses for effect) And as many as three to eleven other states.
CBS: This isn’t a pile of Texas-size BS you’re shoveling, son?
DNC: No, sir, it’s real. We have an opportunity to change history and keep this country on the right track. We can prevent a catastrophe.
NBC: I want to hear the legal technicalities you plan to skirt. We’re talking election fraud here. Jack Welch would can the entire news division if he knew what we were doing.
DNC: Technically, it’s not fraud. The Constitution states that federal elections are to be held on the same day. There is no legal possibility of a revote. Individual votes can be challenged as fraudulent, but not an entire election. Let’s take a worst case scenario.
CBS: The Republicans scream collusion.
DNC: You just say it was a bureaucratic snafu. An innocent little mistake. Somebody forgot that Florida has two closing times. (pauses) There’s no possibility of a court declaring a revote. There will be challenges to individual ballots only and in a few jurisdictions, but not enough to make a difference. The Republicans will scream, but even if they could prove we threw the election – which they can’t – they won’t have any legal recourse. They’ll fold like Nixon. And then Gore takes the heat off after the election. The worst that can happen is a fine from the FCC, and that’s unlikely because we can control that.
CBS: But what about our journalistic integrity?
(general laughter)
CBS: Aw c’mon, guys!
The rest of this story is known to everyone.
But the story doesn’t really end there.
On the morning of the 2002 congressional elections, every single VNS satellite uplink failed. A few months later, VNS was shut down and liquidated. I can imagine an emergency meeting held on election day afternoon in the same conference room.
CBS: They know! They found out we were going to do it again!
DNC: Let’s not panic, everyone. I got up here on the train as fast as I could. It could just be sunspots.
CNN: Sunspots?! Every single f***ing uplink?!
NBC: No. Somebody ordered the NSA to shut us down. Bush.
ABC: No. Bush would need deniability. I bet Cheney made the call.
DNC: Gentlemen, this is only about a congressional election. The stakes are high, but not like two years ago. There’s nothing to worry about. What’s our backup plan?
NBC: Listen, pal, there’s this thing called the Patriot Act. One phone call from DC and any one of us could disappear. Suppose Ashcroft construes election fraud as treason! I don’t know about you, but when they pour that white-hot lead up my ass, I’ll give them name, rank, serial number – and the identity of every girl, boy and sheep you guys have banged over the past twenty years!
DNC: You’re being paranoid.
CNN: How do we know they haven’t got this room wired?
CBS: How do we know one of us isn’t wired?
(long silence)
ABC: Grab him!
(sounds of scuffle)
CBS: Rip his pants off! Find the wire!
DNC: Ouch, you’re hurting me!!
They got suckered.
The next thing, Terry Lenzner will be snooping around my dumpster and discovering that I'm a classical music addict.
Oh, the shame!
Likewise, during the impeachment a planted story about Thurmond's black daughter made Thurmond suddenly more cooperative.
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