I am not on the bump list but I always check it out when I am on-line. Thanks for the coffee but most of all smoke break!!
I have been standing here all morning just a waitin' for the doors to open. I am still supposed to be able to think, so I will just take a Coke with some Grenadine for now. Put a 12 pack of MGD on ice for me, I will polish that off later!
Hey, when you gonna get a GT machine in this joint?
Hi Joe. Make mine an extra Bombay Sapphire Martini with a Montecristo No. 2 on the side.
Ouch! Something just bit me.
Boy, the jokes are great today. I tip my hat to all who sent them in. Oops, I am not wearing a hat.
First, a little education for all of those in the lounge.
Go to
http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=10169 and see a great picture of Mars as shot from the Hubble Telescope.
Second, here are a couple of jokes to keep the people here laughing.
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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
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When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
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At the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note, which read "Take only one. Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read: "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
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You know you are addicted to the internet when...
You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com
ou turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
Your start introducing yourself as 'John at I-I-Net dot com.'
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their name.
You can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as [downloading].
You tell the cab driver you live at: http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed.'
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-).
You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat..."
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Headlines from 2035.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%
Average price of a single-family home in Southern California is $2,500,000, and a three-bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.
Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people
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Everyone have a great weekend!
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot."
