Jokes, a tad off-color

[annyokie]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

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Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, " What is going on here, who did this to you?"

His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

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I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you f**king moron?"

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My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."

====== Some funny audio/video for your listening amusement. The Woman Song

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HOLLYWOOD SQUARES HUMOR:

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, "I love you"?

Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

====== Awesome Clock Calendar ======

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"

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The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then her husband spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear; every single detail!"

"Good. Henceforth that's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

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Jill bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want." Seeing the title, John grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Jill stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

John replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

====== Why Men Should Not Take Messages ======

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ. "

[Lady Jag]

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillage,

As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

Barmen.

[ErnBatavia]

(stolen from another thread a few days ago):

Three guys are comparing how lazy and shiftless their teenage sons are, so decide to place a wager.....

They hop into the car and go to the first guy's house. The lad is flaked out on the couch watching I Love Lucy reruns, and Dad says, "Hey! Get up and walk over here and I'll give you this fiver"....the kid blows him off, say it isn't worth the trip.

On to the second dad's house.....Same scenario, with the kid stretched out with his earphones playing Snoop Doggy Dogg rap, and Dad says, "Hey! You don't even have to get up...just raise your arm in a clenched Black Power rap sign and I'll give you five zops!"....this kid, too blows him off and tells him he ain't moving.

Looking like pretty much of a tie at this stage, the threesome heads onto the third dad's house. That dad starts to feel like he's going to lose the bet, because they find his son at least sitting up on the couch, not laying down. But they note that he's whining, sobbing and appears quite uncomfortable.

Dad says, "What's wrong with you?"'

The kid moans out, "I'm sitting on my balls!"

.........(third dad wins)

[annyokie]

That's hilarious! I'll pass it on!