Posted on 04/19/2003 3:14:18 PM PDT by f.Christian
“THIS JUST IN:”
ELBOWS IN ©
by Norman Liebmann
THIS JUST IN: A Harvard Law Professor says the Bush Administration is in real trouble with the Law for dropping those two thousand pound bombs on Saddam Hussein without first reading him his Miranda rights.
THIS JUST IN: Considering the high price of gasoline, drivers are trying to get better performance from their cars by putting Viagra in their gas tanks. I suppose it’s worth a try.
THIS JUST IN: Senator Robert Byrd is beginning to notice the unaccommodating aspects of senility. Even though he can no longer do anything, he finds there aren’t enough hours in a day for him to not get anything done.
THIS JUST IN: Female environmentalists measure the increase in global warming by comparing the 1992 temperature reading with the climate inside Bill Clinton’s shorts.
THIS JUST IN: It became apparent to friends that the Ted Turner/Jane Fonda marriage was on the rocks when the couple agreed to spend their vacations defecting to separate countries. (It is worth noting that during Jane Fonda’s visit to North Viet Nam, Ho Chi Minh wasn’t the only ho in Hanoi.)
THIS JUST IN: Late arrival notice. A towel Trent Lott threw in during a debate two years ago just came down and landed on the Senate floor.
THIS JUST IN: Inasmuch as Afghanistan is the world’s biggest supplier of opium, our military effort there will be remembered as The War to Make the World Safe for Trippin’.
THIS JUST IN: Head for the hills! Vermont is sending out missionaries.
THIS JUST IN: After a month long search, an entire contingent of Park Rangers was unable to find a little boy who got lost in the woods. They had to bring in a pedophile priest who found the kid in only five minutes (knocking 45 seconds off his old time.)
THIS JUST IN: The State Department has instructed its diplomatic emissaries not to offend the Saudis as they control 90% of the world’s supply of sand found in spinach.
THIS JUST IN: Madeleine Albright, call your office! A custodial crew found a dismembered corkscrew tail at the State Department.
THIS JUST IN: Simon & Schuster are panicking after giving a $3 million advance to Hillary Clinton to write a book. So far, she hasn’t even come up with a title. (How about "It Takes a Village to Remove a Cum Stain"?)
THIS JUST IN: After an extended study, entomologists have determined that picnickers prefer an invasion by ants to an intrusion by Democrats.
THIS JUST IN: So far, the war in Iraq has cost about 20 billion dollars - approximately the same amount as the tab Teddy Kennedy has run up at the Shamrock Bar & Grill.
THIS JUST IN: A prominent epidemiologist has filed a report with the UN, that after his twenty years of research he determined the only thing in the Third World that is not contagious is democracy.
THIS JUST IN: A marine salvage company will send a hard hat diver down into the main cargo hold of the Titanic to see if they can locate CNN’s ratings.
THIS JUST IN: In his new book, Bill Clinton will represent himself not as a sex maniac but just an overenthusiastic sperm donor.
THIS JUST IN: The Mafia got a message through to the CIA that for a million dollars they’ll put a hit on Osama Bin Laden, and for an extra hundred grand they can make it look like an accident.
THIS JUST IN: The Nobel Prize awards will make the ideal cover story for Time Magazine, inasmuch as nobody takes either one of them seriously anymore.
THIS JUST IN: The mainstream media is offering a new service for Catholics. For a fee they will get a CNN reporter to go to confession and lie his ass off for you.
THIS JUST IN: Civil rights leaders are seeking legislation to make it illegal for Caucasians to be on the jury of all O.J. Simpson’s future murder trials.
THIS JUST IN: At last count there are fewer stars names on Hollywood Boulevard's Walk of Fame than there are in Heidi Fleiss’ address book.
THIS JUST IN: Gay blacks not only demand reparations for slavery, but also reimbursement for past services. Talk about double dipping!
THIS JUST IN: In order to lock in the inner city vote, Senate Democrats will introduce legislation to require airlines to make drug dealers eligible for frequent smuggler miles.
THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton may host a radio show from the Mustang Ranch. It will be called “Not Just Talk.”
THIS JUST IN: It is said Jesse Jackson is contemplating suing the U.S. Weather Bureau because there are no black rainbows.
THIS JUST IN: Congressman John Conyers is said to be attempting to intimidate an ice cream company into naming vanilla as the Politically Incorrect Flavor of the Week.
THIS JUST IN: Jacques Chirac’s telephone call got right through to George W. Bush. Even though he is President of the United States, Bush is never too busy to say “Fuck you.”
and …
THIS JUST IN: There is more evidence that Saddam Hussein is alive. A recent photograph turned up of him sitting with Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, Glenn Miller, Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater and the Lindbergh baby.
priest and a rabbi ---
"the kid over there --- let's get him" ...
"outta what" (( sick joke alert )) !
Oh lord, firehat is giving the rev ideas!!
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