220 Years of French Perfidity and Treachery; 16 Reasons to be wary of the French (semi-Vanity)

Me | 3-21-2003 | Reverend Bob

[Reverend Bob]

Recent events at the U.N. have once again exposed the French for what they are. In spite of what some commentators say, the French are nobodies allies. Their history of uncivilized and perfidious behavior is well documented. Below are 16 things for which we can blame the French, in whole or in part. Feel free to add any I may have missed. Note though that I have purposely excluded purely cultural faux pas like Jerry Lewis and street mimes.

Sixteen things for which the French should be condemned:

1. THE REIGN OF TERROR -- French cultural superiority runs amok. The guillotine becomes the first major French invention since the White Flag.

2. Vichy France -- Have your cake and eat it too. At least the Italians protected their Jewish populations.

3. Napolean -- Sure, he was a Corsican and a dictator, but this was the height of French power.

4. Vietnam -- French colonialism goes bad; others try to clean up the mess.

5. Devil's Island -- French humanitarianism in practice.

6. Algeria -- French colonialism goes bad, part deux. France establishes it's great human rights record in the Muslim World.

7. The Great Depression -- In a follow up to Versailles, the French insist on "War debts" paid in gold. The Saar invaded. World Currencies collapse. Much hilarity ensues.

8. Maximillian -- While the US fights the Civil War, France tries to establish a puppet kingdom in Mexico. Upside: Basis for Shirley Maclaine's best movie.

9. Paris Under the Commune -- Lefties take over. Much comradery and bloodshed. Guy Endore (and others) have something interesting to write about.

10. Haiti -- Another failed colony. The US is still trying to put that mess back together.

11. The Dreyfus Affair -- Franch anti-Semitism comes to the fore.

12. Osirik -- Atoms for peace? Menachim Begin gets even for #11.

13. Suez Canal -- French colonialism fails early. British prove that the easiest way to lose big is to have France as an ally.

14. The XYZ Affair -- French diplomacy, Chirac style. If "Baksheesh" isn't French, it should be.

15. Iraq, esp under Saddam. -- I don't need to elaborate, do I?

The Belgian Congo -- OK, not "really" French but, as the Belgians are little more than wanna-be Frenchmen, they should probably get the blame for this as well. What can you say about a people who aspire to be French anyway? I'd move to make them honorary Frenchmen and ask for a show of hands, but their former subjects would have a hard time voting and, anyway, isn't "honorary" Frenchmen a bit of a misnomer?

the above list took less than a minute to compile. What am I missing?

[Ciexyz]

We should also blame them for endless remakes of The Three Musketeers!

[wcentrella]

Because the Foriegn Legion is full of non-Frenchies.

[Ciexyz]

But, then French also have their good things --

Okay, they gave us the condom and the bidet.

[Chancellor Palpatine]

It was their last moment of glory as a nation. Ironic that it was completely fictional.

[Pelham]

My most recent SAR newsletter celebrates the 225th anniversary of the French volunteers who provided the fighting power that gave us victory at Yorktown. Better add the Sons of the American Revolution to your target list, they're obviously weak on frog-bashing.

[Pelham]

Charles Martel.

[Ciexyz]

Because the Foreign Legion is full of non-Frenchies.

True -- a large percentage are expatriate Germans. Which leads to another question:

How could a nation like Germany that gave the world so many kick-a** fighters, stoop so low as to elect a sniveling liberalpuke as Premier?!

[DudleyDoright]

So, name a french colony gone GOOD?

Guyana? No, wait.. Jim Jones screwed that one up.. :)

[LiteKeeper]

But, we inherited a war from this.

[Ippolita]

But, then French also have their good things --

Their first close encounter with civilization was with the Romans, who tried hard to better the crude product they found: teaching them to read, write, count, wash, and make wine; as, at the time, they were only capable of brewing very bad beer: birra gallica tremenda est.

Champagne

Caron perfumes, especially Nuit de Noel

Chanel - the little black dress, nautical sweaters, the modern bathing suit, stretch clothes, two-tone pumps, chain link belts, quilted-leather purses, No. 5

Dior - nipped waists, yards and yards of skirt, doe eyes, Diorissimmo

Coq au vin, beef bourguignon, eclairs, and more

Courvoisier

These and other fine products, only thanks to another Italian: Caterina de Medici who, upon arriving in France as a bride from her native Florence, was shocked at the abismal level of 'culture'. She put her womanly skills to work, greatly improving cooking and fashion. Upon failing to instill the idea of bathrooms (something so adverse to the French mind that by Luis the XIV's time the latrine stench of his palace, Versailles, could be smelled 13 miles away) and cleanliness to her new subjects she invented perfume to cover their stench.

French Bull dogs are an English strain.

Stendahl's The Red and the Black is a question of leterary taste and hence opinable, yet please remember he was an Italiophile, and traveled extensively in Italy and learned much.

Paris was a roman town known to civilized world as Lutetia and when roman had public baths and running water; something it ceased to have when it changed name.

The taxicab army and the stand at the Marne

???!!!

In Germany, before WWI, they had a saying "To live with God in France"

After WWI they said "Ve ver mistaken" and arrived to the tipically germanic erroneous conclusion popularized by Hitler "Gott mit Unds".

[Ippolita]

No way! the condom is an ancient roman invention (then made of baby lamb gut), and the 'bidet' is Venetian in origin: the few they have in France, were brought over and then copied by Catherine de Medici. See my post to ARCADIA for more demystifications of pseudo-french famous stuff.
A good book on this subject is The Myth of France by Raymond Rudorff.

[Restorer]

In a follow up to Versailles, the French insist on "War debts" paid in gold.

Ahem. That was us. The French and British had huge debts for munitions and supplies to America, which we demanded be repaid in full, despite the fact that they had lost many times the number of men in the war than we had.

The resulting dislocations in currency exchanges were a major contributor to the severity of the Great Depression.

[Reverend Bob]

While it's true that we insisted on repayment of War debts, hence the epiteph of "Uncle Shylock" from the French, we also forgave a lot of them, especially to Germany. It was France that, while the German economy was in the tank and suffering from hyper-inflation, invaded the Saar to force payment in gold.

In any event, and despite the occassional quibble, I want to thank those who added their own suggestions to this list. The pre-1783 items were ones I hadn't even thought of. Many thanks.