Posted on 03/17/2003 4:48:49 PM PST by Enduring Freedom
Come on.
Don't be shy.
You know you want to.
For stress relief in tense times, your best French jokes are WANTED right here.
Feel free to share the very best with friends, families...and the French!
The only thing left is delivering the payback bill!
Everyone has heard this one, but what the heck, if only ONE CHILD is saved by this French one-liner, it will have been worth it:
"Going to war without the French is like going deerhunting without an accordian".
Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavours!!
What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
Because that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.
Shoot the Frenchman twice!
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when others do most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk college boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by her allies. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by Allied forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
German soldier#2 "Ya, 13 in reverse, and the foward gear is for when we attack from behind"
Also... "A fighting Frenchman will run fromn a she-goat" - Old Russian Proverb
French President Jacques Chirac dismissed Colin Powell's indictment of Iraq before the UN Security Council. You know the French. Jacques Chirac praised Colin Powell as a man of courage, compassion, conscience and conviction, if you go for that sort of thing...
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. - Donald Rumsfeld
Q: What do you call 100,000 men with their hands in the air? A: The French army, of course."
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows since no Frenchman has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats? A: So they can see the old French Navy.
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran? A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm? A: Bisexual.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay? A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag. A: It's a white cross on a white background
Q: How many gears in a French tank? A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.
(IMHO-the best one...)Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. Why, because someone will need to teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.... The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses... Warehouses? said the soldier. Sacré bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.
Here's a funny one!
During one of the namy wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major.
An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.
The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic."
The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you."
The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared."
The French general said, "That is a very good idea."
He turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong b*tch out the window."
Two French peacekeepers in the Middle East, went down to a nearby stream to fish. They got a bite, reeled in their line and found they'd caught a talking fish. The fish promised them one wish.
The first soldier takes out a map of the Middle East and says, "This is a UN proposal for peace in the Middle East, we want to go home, can you get all sides to agree?"
The fish looks at the map and starts to shake his head and starts to mumble, "no ... no .... NO, NO, NO, ... there's NO WAY I can get everyone to agree to this ... I grant wishes, not miracles. You'll need to make another wish."
The second soldier takes out a photo of his wife and says, "Can you make my wife into a beautiful woman?"
The fish looks at the photo and says, "Let me see the map again, I think I can work with it !"
Gratitude.
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