Posted on 02/14/2003 11:27:55 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.
After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.
"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."
A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.
It's a girl!
Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?
I had a girl! Isn't that great?
Who the heck is this?
It's your aunt, and I had a girl!
Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?
We decided on a new name.
Well, bully for you.
We settled on "Riley"!
Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"
That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.
Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?
You can be really rotten sometimes.
I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.
But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.
Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?
Well, I never thought of it like that.
You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"
*click*
That's the last time I try to help a family member.
But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.
With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.
Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."
Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.
But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?
"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.
Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?
Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.
And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.
During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.
Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.
She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.
"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."
What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.
My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.
I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.
Makes me think of my ex-brother-in-law's black lab. A lot of these names would be fine for pets...
But I personally have friends who named their daughters Dylan and Rowen, cousins named Nissae (girl), Cassidy and Cody (boys), and at least one high school classmate who named her son Rocky.
Now THIS is the rant of the day, simply AWESOME!
So did I! You didn't grow up in Charlotte, Michigan, did you? We also had a Cricket Maatsch.
I might have known that mom (grin). She named her kids after the weather/surroundings the morning she thought she conceived. First was "Morning Ray," second "Misty Dawn."
I know of a little girl named Brooke Lynne (no she doesn't have a brother named Bronx).
I also know of a guy whose last name is Assalone. All his life they've called him "Lemi." I kid you not: Lemi Assalone.
For girls -- Mavis, Lurleen, Doris, Margaret.
I thought that “Lurleen” was actually a title that a woman earned after her fourth divorce.
I had a physician named Carlos Schmidt. I just had to ask him about it. He said he was from Argentina but had German heritage. Argentina has some sort of law (or did at the time) that babies have to have Hispanic names.
You wouldn't believe all the "mixed" names here - lots of haoles give their kids Hawaiian names, plus there's a lot of "hapa" (mixed heritage). Pity the transcriptionist who has to type infant discharge summaries - probably 90% have very long Hawaiian middle names.
Naming kids is hard. You just never know the results.
My sister’s friend named her daughter Ariel about six months before “The Little Mermaid” was released.
Now she knows she looks like a dingbat who names her kids after trendy Disney characters.
Sad, isn't it? Just recently at fireworks I met a little boy named "River". I couldn't resist and asked if the name had sentimental reasons. It did. The baby was conceived on/in a river. Clever huh? LOL! Poor kid.
I don't think Riley is THAT bad of a name - at least I haven't heart it 100,000,000 times
Riley is currently in the top two or three possible girl names for our current bun in the oven. I don’t care if this guy doesn’t like it. It will have a solidly Irish last name accompanying it, if we choose it.
I'd love to ask the parents if they have a little boy named Pennzoil. Or twins named Amoco and Sunoco.
Speaking of names that somewhat resemble a certain body part on a woman -- be thankful your name is not Dolores.
Currentbun Intheoven.
I like it. Good name.
There is a urologist in Tucson, AZ with the name Dick Plummer.
In my home town, the director of the local funeral home was named “Angelo Mania.” I thought he should spell it “Angel-O-Mania!” like they were having a sale or something.
I agree, as does my wife (we're a white/black couple), although we also got a little creative. Our 3 boys all have classical names, mostly in honor of saints:
Lysander Gabriel (Lysander from Shakespeare, Greek for "liberator")
Dmitri Seraphim (Dmitri a Russian form of St. Demetrious of Greece, Seraphim after St. Seraphim of Sarov, in honor of the angels)
Aidan Youssou (Celtic St. Aidan of Lindisfarne, Youssou being a West African form of Yusef, or Joseph)
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