Spread a Little on Me ( Stupid baby names)

http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/briandrye.html ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.

After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.

"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."

A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.

It's a girl!

Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?

I had a girl! Isn't that great?

Who the heck is this?

It's your aunt, and I had a girl!

Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?

We decided on a new name.

Well, bully for you.

We settled on "Riley"!

Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"

That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.

Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?

You can be really rotten sometimes.

I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.

But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.

Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"

*click*

That's the last time I try to help a family member.

But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.

With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.

Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."

Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.

But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?

"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.

Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?

Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.

And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.

During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.

Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.

She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.

"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."

What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.

My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.

I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.

[arthurus]

is horrifying to think of the crap these victims of stupid parents are going to take from there schoolmates

From your schoolmates, perhaps, many years ago. Those kids will grow up in schools where half or more of their schoolmates will have the samy badges of parental illiteracy and stupidity.

[DeFault User]

I know a real dim bulb who named her son, "Raider."

No class. I named my kids after Cowboy quarterbacks.

[JoeSixPack1]

DICK FARMER'S HARLEY DAVIDSON of ORLANDO, INC.

Dick had 3 stores. He sold them all in '99. But not before he turned all three of them over to his son,- - Dick Jr.

Harley dealer shirts are prized. But 3 inch gloss lettering of "DICK FARMER'S" across the top of a tee is not a good fashion statement.

But knuckle sandwiching the big mouths keep you in shape. :-) (and lawsuits) :-(

[Malichi]

My wife is pregnant with our third and she wants to name him some goofy name. Our first is Carson Elizabeth( wife's Grandmother's maiden name plus wife's middle name), second is John Allen "Jack"(my dad's first name and my name) and she wants to name the third something like Crawford or Griffin or Cole which have no connection to my family or hers. Don't you all think James Robert is a good name(her dad's first and her late uncle's first, who was killed in a car wreck when he was in college) and no we're not going to call him Jim Bob. Oh and by the way, my mother had a Nosmo King Luckett and a Latrina Drain in her first grade class at Luther Branson Elementary School in Farmhaven, MS.
TAW

[arthurus]

Andrea Doria is a good name.I have to look it up for just who it was but it was a famous general of some sort.Here, I found it... it's at http://82.1911encyclopedia.org/D/DO/DORIA_ANDREA.htm . Go look it up and see who you are named for. It is a GOOD name.

[arthurus]

As if that weren't bad enough, they stood for Baby Jane.

A good friend's little brother was "Baby James" until he got old enough to change it legally.

[DeFault User]

Some years ago there was an Insurance Commissioner in Mississippi named, I kid you not, Harry Box.

[arthurus]

Nosmo King. An old three stooges gag.

I met one such , a sergeant in the Air Force

Pronounced Nozzmoe. Another sergeant I met was not given any name at birth and had to fill in his enlistment paper work with N/A for 1st name and N/A for middle name. When I met him he had been Sgt. Na Na M____ for 19 years.

[hattend]

Don't you all think James Robert is a good name(her dad's first and her late uncle's first, who was killed in a car wreck when he was in college) and no we're not going to call him Jim Bob.

James Robert is great....JR for short.

[arthurus]

Justin Case I'm not kidding. It was sad.

The case families are like the Butts families in the far southeast. There is always one Justin Case and one or more Seegar(or Cigar or Seeger) Butts.

[Malichi]

I also have seen a Luscious Bush.

[arthurus]

here in our part of the Midwest, the spelling "Rebekah" is rather common. < P>There is not really a "correct" spelling for this name becausethey are all transliteration from a language that does/did not use the Latin alphabet.

[Loyalist]

There is a French-Canadian priest here in Ottawa by the name of Doris (Doh-Ree) Laplante.

I believe it's a French version of an obscure saint's name, the kind of name that French Canadians used to name their sons: Alyre, Irenee, Evariste, Onesime, Hormidas, Ludger, Aurelien, Dorylas, Amadee, Hermenegilde, Sulpice, etc.

[stuartcr]

The Hogg sisters were circa 1955, eastern NC.

[Ditter]

I like real names too. Like the real man whos real name is Peter Handler.

[arthurus]

Major Major of Catch-22 fame.

That was Major Major Major Major.

[Uncle Sausage]

Don't forget the immigrant Swede named Sam Ting.

[Uncle Sausage]

Good thing his last name wasn't Mee

[arthurus]

sometimes wonder if that practice ever backfired in the era of corporate political correctness: "Taylor Smith...no

Didn't happen. Taylor and Madison are purely girls' names now.

[RightOnline]

"I heard one woman calling called her daughter, Misty Dawn. The nurse in the hospital asked if they had a boy were they calling him, Stormy Weekend?"

I can top that. We live in North Raleigh, NC.....a rather hoity-toity area. My teenaged daughter babysat for just the nicest couple you'd ever want to know, in a yuppie sort of way....and watched their two lovely children: Chardonnay (girl) and Stetson (boy).

I wish I could say I was kidding.