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Spread a Little on Me ( Stupid baby names)
http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/briandrye.html ^

Posted on 02/14/2003 11:27:55 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs

In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.

After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.

"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."

A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.

It's a girl!

Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?

I had a girl! Isn't that great?

Who the heck is this?

It's your aunt, and I had a girl!

Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?

We decided on a new name.

Well, bully for you.

We settled on "Riley"!

Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"

That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.

Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?

You can be really rotten sometimes.

I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.

But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.

Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"

*click*

That's the last time I try to help a family member.

But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.

With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.

Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."

Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.

But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?

"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.

Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?

Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.

And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.

During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.

Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.

She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.

"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."

What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.

My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.

I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.


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KEYWORDS: hogg
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To: APBaer
I once worked at a place where there was an intercom for paging people. One of the regular "pagees" was Sharon Kochenauer.
181 posted on 02/14/2003 12:34:36 PM PST by Orbiting_Rosie's_Head
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Comment #182 Removed by Moderator

To: surrey
So people just don't think clearly when they have a child.
183 posted on 02/14/2003 12:34:48 PM PST by bmwcyle (Semper Gumby - Always Flexable)
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To: E Rocc
Naming girls after virtues is just asking for it.... So the key to having a perfect daughter must be naming her Hillary.

LOL! Yes, the anti-virtue!

184 posted on 02/14/2003 12:35:08 PM PST by T Minus Four
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To: deziner
(I always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God could turn me into a chicken?)

No problem.

185 posted on 02/14/2003 12:35:34 PM PST by null and void (Just immigrate to france....)
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To: linn37
I have a neice named Regan

No kids, but I have a puppy named Dutch.

186 posted on 02/14/2003 12:36:22 PM PST by WaveThatFlag
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To: deziner
(I always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God could turn me into a chicken?)

You want to be French?

187 posted on 02/14/2003 12:36:41 PM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs (Happy people live longer. I plan on living forever)
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To: WSGilcrest
STOP!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!!
188 posted on 02/14/2003 12:36:54 PM PST by T Minus Four
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To: coder2
I knew a couple in a Day Care I worked in once. Thrie last name was Case. They had two sons. The oldest:

Jacob Case

And the second born:

Justin Case

I'm not kidding. It was sad.

189 posted on 02/14/2003 12:37:01 PM PST by underthesun
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Comment #190 Removed by Moderator

To: WSGilcrest
How do you get "Dick" out of Richard?

You're joking, right? "Dick" is short for Richard, as is "Rich." Do you really think "Dick" is a real name?

191 posted on 02/14/2003 12:38:35 PM PST by Mr. Mojo
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To: underthesun
Thrie = Their.

Sorry hands got ahead of the brain

192 posted on 02/14/2003 12:38:59 PM PST by underthesun
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To: freedumb2003
That is where you're wrong - "Rebecca" is the Americanized version. "Rebekah" is straight from the Bible - all major versions have Issac's wife named as "Rebekah"; only the Wycliffe translation uses "Rebecca". Our goal was not to have cutsie names like your snide "Teighlor" comment, we chose to have real Biblical names for our kids. And for the record, here in our part of the Midwest, the spelling "Rebekah" is rather common.
193 posted on 02/14/2003 12:39:00 PM PST by egarvue (Martin Sheen is not my president...)
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To: WSGilcrest
How do you get "Dick" out of Richard?

Why would you... Oh, nevermind.

194 posted on 02/14/2003 12:39:18 PM PST by tnlibertarian
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
...my favorite has always been Lila Kahore.
195 posted on 02/14/2003 12:39:20 PM PST by SandyEgo
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I forget the comedian's name but he was commenting on a friend of his naming her kid, Faloplia. He then asked, what if you have a boy, Testicleeees?
196 posted on 02/14/2003 12:39:24 PM PST by Lx (So it's now, Duct tape and cover?)
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To: WSGilcrest
How do you get "Dick" out of Richard?

Oh, dear. There's a gay joke here somewhere, but I don't want to offend anyone.

197 posted on 02/14/2003 12:39:34 PM PST by TrappedInLiberalHell (Let's Iraq and Roll!)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Got a neice named Taylor Rae. Ick.

We also know a Corwyn (boy), a Kelvin, a Hadleigh (Hadley),and a Fallon.

They can't get any worse . . .can they?

198 posted on 02/14/2003 12:40:07 PM PST by WIladyconservative
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To: Mr. Mojo
yeah, I'm joking....
199 posted on 02/14/2003 12:40:09 PM PST by WSGilcrest (R)
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To: IowaHawk
I gave my kid a real name: Chester.

Yer last name ain't Fields, is it?
200 posted on 02/14/2003 12:40:23 PM PST by null and void
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