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Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

A well-known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral
was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind
the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the
mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said,
"I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral....
I'm a gynecologist."

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

An oldie, but a goodie . . .
___________________________________________

From: Bin Laden, Osama [mailto:osama@taliban.com]
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama

A young lady complains to her doctor about not being able to get any dates. After talking to her for some time and discovering other issues she has, he decides she should go see Dr. Som Ting Wong, one of his Chinese friends who is a specialist.

She makes an appointment, and goes to see Dr. Wong. He listens to her, and says “First ting we do is this. You take crose off and craw on froor. She does. He says “ No, Must craw rerry, rerry fas!”

She does, and he says “Now craw towar me, then craw away from me, craw rerry, rerry fas!”

Being desperate to find out why she can’t get any dates, she complies. He cries out “You have Ed Zakery disease. Worst case of Ed Zackery I ever see! That why you no get dates!”

Alarmed and confused, she says “Doctor, what is Ed Zackery disease? I’ve never heard of it!”

Drum Roll here…

He says “It when your face rook Ed Zackery rike you’re a$$!”

Clinton - Intern Jokes

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

,,, here's an old favourite from New Zealand...

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all sitting around the nursery rhyme bar one after noon bragging about themselves.

Cinderella says, "I must be the most beautiful person in the world".
Tom Thumb says, "I must be the smallest person in the world".
Quasimodo says, "I must be the ugliest person in the world".

Hearing all this bragging the barman leans over the counter and suggests they head down to the Guinness Book of Records and verify themselves.

So off they go down the street and apply for their worldly status.

Cinderella comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the most beautiful person in the world".

Tom Thumb comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the smallest person in the world".

Quasimodo comes out of the office with a puzzled look on his face and says happily, "Who the hell is Helen Clark?"

[substitute Janet Reno for Helen Clark in local use]

An exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch' was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting" the artist explained. "The three men are not African - Americans . . .They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went Home for Lunch."

A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar.

He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar.

Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."

The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?"

Bush answers, "Well we have one idea, but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq, but it will kill a half a million Iraqis, and one blonde with big boobs."

The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??"

Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis."

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode,
I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected
mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.
Grace will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become...Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge
to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and consolidate as FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become Knott NOW

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today."

AND one a my alltime favorites--

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

The pastor was eloquently expounding on Jonah's mission to find one good person in Nineveh and was about to end his sermon, when a nerdy looking college student stood up and asked

"Do you think Jonah was really in the belly of a whale for three days?"

Flustered, the pastor said "Well, I don't know for sure, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."

The nerd responded, "What if he isn't there?"

Not missing a beat, the pastor said "Well, then YOU ask him."

oldie but a clean one ...

One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He applied for a job as the town bartender. The owner didn't know if the little guy could handle the crowded bar, but after a couple of days watching him the owner was satisfied.

He explained to the little man, "We have a rowdy crowd in here, but never any real trouble so I'm sure you can handle it. A few fights, but nothing dangerous, except ... there's this guy lives out in the hills, name of Big John. He's a real mean one, and will likely tear you in half just for fun. Don't worry about nothing if he comes to town, just drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."

Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.

The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink. "Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man.

He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, . . . and then turned to leave. The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?

"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"