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Here's a comeback I got after posting a joke on the USO Thread today:

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet
store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a
guarantee that the parrot would talk.

She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she
returned to the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's
cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder."
So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.
Another week and a half passed and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing."
So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week
and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store
owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

It's early yet, I'll be back later for a drink. In the meantime:

This same woman buys another parrot. The bird starts getting all these little bleeding spots. She feeds it, treats it well, talks to it, etc., but it still gets these little sores.

She takes it to the vet, who tells her, "Oh, that's because the bird's beak is too sharp. Every once in a while you have to file the beak down a little bit."

The next day, she calls the vet in a panic: "My poor bird is dead!"

So the vet says, "Well, did you file its beak down?"

And she says, "Yes".

The vet says, "And it still continued to pick those scabs?"

And the lady says, "No, he was dead as soon as I took his head out of the vice."

Bwahaha...

For all the blondes--

There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, "41 days, 41 days!!!!"

The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration.

He was finally so curious that he went over and said, "Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, "The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!"