Posted on 06/20/2002 7:57:42 AM PDT by Sir Gawain
6/19/02
Yu,
I have this friend (seriously, its a friend, not me). Anyway, he just got fired from his job because he has a sleeping disorder. The only thing he hates more than going to bed at night is getting up the next morning. His sleep schedule is about 4am to about 3pm. This has been going on for about 12 years and we (his friends) have tried about everything. Any advice would be really helpful.
Erik, 25, Seattle WA
Erik,
That crazy! Yu good at math and that mean he sleeping 11 hours! In the entire time Yu in monastery we only allowed 3 hour sleep a night and then spend entire day fighting off old man with long wooden stick. After many months of torture, body grow used to it and it easy to deal with hallucination and mood swing and get beat with stick all over again. Your friend probably not have real sleeping disorder, Yu think he just lazy American slacker. My advice is for him to get job as late night radio dj or male prostitute. Then he is own boss and make his own hours. If this not work, my advice is try to keep him awake by hitting him with wooden stick until he get sleep pattern back to normal. This take about a week or so. If this not work good, every time he won’t go sleep, hit him in ding dong. After awhile he get tired of achy ball and just go sleep like everyone else.
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Yu,
I was hoping you could help me out. I'm curious... Why did Star Wars Episode 2 suck so very bad? I realize you are not a movie critic, but the thing of it is, I went home after seeing Attack of the Clones and did an issue [heroin]. When i woke up the next day i did another. I've been doing it for the last two weeks or so. Now I know heroin will mess you up and i know i need help, but what i really want to know is WHY? WHY did Episode. 2 have to suck so bad. WHY???
Help.
Yours truly,
Strung Out for Star Wars
Dear Strung Out,
This two part question which always tricky. First part easy, You wrong! Yu like Episode II! It not have flair or fun of original, but it also not have Jackie Chan or Chow Yun Fat, so Yu not cry like baby for two weeks because they steal my moves and become first Asian in space. Next time you make world famous movies and try to follow up then please call Yu. In a summer with contender like Spider-Man (I almost cast as Green Goblin but Toby McGuire very scared of Chinese) and MIB II (I almost cast as Will Smith), it hard to compete. Now on to other point. Stop doing drug! You ever think that maybe heroin make you not like movie? Maybe you can’t pay attention to wonderful love story because you feel like bug crawling on you? Or you couldn’t see screen because syringe in eye block vision? Yu get funny feeling in ding dong when he look at Princess Amidala's soft American belly. This never happen if Yu was on drug. Get clean, go movie again, then we talk. Smack head.
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6/12/02
Yu,
With Father’s Day approaching I feel the need to re-connect with my father even though we don't get along very well. What’s the best way to go about it?
Garret Oakley, Harrisburg, PA
Dear Garret,
The bond between father and son very strong, like steel. Especially if you not bastard child. I kidding! My advice is to let Father Day pass and then if you want talk to him, go ahead and make collect call afterward. Don’t get caught up in Father Day fever and spend hard earned money on necktie and Old Spice deodorant. Instead, give him gift from heart like special poem you wrote or one week coupon for geisha whore. That like giving gift to father and mother at same time! In your case, it sound like father is real bastard. Yu know how you feel. Last time Yu saw father was seconds before they stuff me in sack to be sent to Shaolin monastery. I ask for advice and father say "Hold breath." That not what I looking for! I see him years later when I big star and he want money. I tell him that I give him advice and when he get close I try to kick him in throat. I missed by 3 feet and he beat me to bloody pulp like usual. Then we have big hug and long cry. Bond between father son very, very strong.
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Dear Yu,
Hi i have a little qestion to ask, what can i say to people who call me raciest names? im not white devil thank god or crazy amaricain, they always seem to have things to call me like chinease freak and, try two get me two do kung fu on them, the boys will not leave me alone, becouse i am very beautyfull and do moderling, but becouse im not like dirty english nasty bitch who carnt keep her legs shut, they hate and try to hurt me. please help me
Name witheld
Dear Person,
Where I start? First, after I translate question, it appear that you have problem with people calling you name because you Chinese and have horrible slit for eye. This story of my life! I not sure what to say. It no fun to be Chinese unless you know Kung Fu. Even then, it only good for one or two party trick. But you a girl! You said you are model. Well, you said moderling, but Yu get picture anyway. I not know what to tell you. Maybe you should get different group of friend. One thing Yu know is that the easier target you are, the more people take shot at you. For a while in 70s, Yu had funny afro hairstyle. It all the rage back then. Yes, it look good, but Triad always spot me and try shoot me in head because I owe them money. I wise up after while and just get corn rows. I perfect 10! So to sum up, get new friend, try to look less Chinese, and use spellcheck on computer.
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6/5/02
Yu,
My grandfather died two years ago and now my 70-year-old grandmother has started dating. It seems a little weird to me. Is that normal?
Carl Brinz, Richmond, VA
Carl,
What is it with reader asking Yu about dating advice? I not therapist, I goddamn Chinese Bruce Willis with degree in addiction medicine. Sheesh! Okay, I give it shot. If there one thing Yu know about, it old people dating and having sex. It very nasty but that not my problem. Here good rule of thumb: If hair in pubic region turn gray, woman much too old to date. I kidding! Everybody know you only as old as you feel, but 70-year-old wrinkled lady still old no matter what she think. Don’t get Yu wrong, old vagina need attention just like young vagina, but Yu not like to think about it. So don’t give grandmother hard time about dating. Yu say this though, if you walk in on grandmother having sex, go ahead and drive long pointed stick into eyeball. This only remedy to stop horrible dreams.
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Dear Yu,
In the past 3 years I’ve gotten liposuction, 2 nose jobs and a breast enhancement. I don’t feel like I can stop getting surgery. I need help!
Sabrina Culver,
Carson City, NV
Sabrina,
That lot of surgery! You obviously have face that look like farm animal. I kidding! Your need for surgery stem from low self esteem because you feel ugly and men not call you for date. I know there lots of pressure on women to look perfect but it usually not necessary unless you very, very ugly. I say it before, I say it again, true beauty come from within. It sound like you look in mirror and not see that you fine without surgery. Take a break from doctor office and get to know self better. Get away from city for meditation break. And realize that it not matter how big boobs are because that not what important. What important is sense of feeling good about self and if you happen to have big boob by coincidence, then that just a lucky break.
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