Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Posted on 04/26/2002 9:52:52 AM PDT by Just another Joe
Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...
Smoker's Lounge
Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...
It is getting close to dinner time, so better make mine a gin martini, extra dry, shaken, not stirred.
http://www.geocities.com/jcavakoff/Adult_Things.html
Now, for a couple of jokes:
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God and St. Peter
God and St. Peter got into a debate as to who the better poet was, Robt. Frost, or Earnest Himingway.
In order to find out, they decided to let each write a short poem within two minutes. The sentences must rhyme, and the poem must end with the word, "Timbuktu."
They first went to Frost and asked him to write the poem. He didn't hesitate, and composed:
While traveling in a foreign land,
Across the hot and burning sand,
A caravan came into view ...
Its destination, Timbuktu.
Naturally, God and St. Peter were impressed. They then went to Hemingway and gave him the challange.
Hemingway protested, said he wasn't into poetry, only wrote stories and novels, etc.
When told that there were consequences if he did not finish the poem on time, and that there was only one minute left, Hemingway went to work.
He wrote:
Tim and I ahunting went.
We spied three maidens in a tent.
They were three, we but two.
I buck one and Tim buck two.
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FISH FUNERAL
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?'
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, That's because he's inside your f...ing cat."
I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or a slam. ;^)
See Slip, I don't post untruths. Unless it does ME some good. ;^)
Can you just imagine if flight attendants said these things on the flights you had taken????
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Would you like some Lobster Bisque from the Soup Nazi?
I'd love some. But I better tell you right now that lobster does some strange things to me.
Most people would ascribe these feelings to oysters.
I do LOVE lobster.
Do we get to see you get really wild?
Four Presidents in Oz
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.
After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I... think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush Sr. sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" .....
"Is Dorothy here?"
Me BEFORE lobster.
Me AFTER lobster
Well, I suppose it COULD happen but it will take longer.
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