Massie Blames Defeat On Jews Of Rural Kentucky

LOUISVILLE, KY — Representative Thomas Massie has accused the Jewish population of rural Kentucky of being the cause of his primary defeat.

After taking the stage to concede the race to Ed Gallrein, an angry Massie squarely laid the blame for his loss on the "dirty Zionists" of the tiny country towns that dot the Ohio River valley.

"I couldn't reach Gallrein to concede. He was probably lost with his supporters in yet another small-town Kentucky synagogue," declared Massie. "Yes, the deck was stacked against me by the Hebrew population of rural Kentucky. We ran a great campaign, I'm really proud of our team. We just couldn't overcome the Hasidic powers that control the farm towns of Appalachia."

Watching as the votes were tallied, Massie's campaign manager Randy Barnes stated that the Congressman had performed well in a few areas, but could not overcome the losses in heavily-Jewish areas of backwoods Kentucky. "Those nudniks really put the kabash on us," sighed Barnes. "Despite Israeli influence over the little villages of Kentucky, we showed a lot of chutzpah out there on the campaign trail. Mazel tov to Ed on his victory."

At publishing time, Massie had announced that he would now pursue his lifelong libertarian dream of opening a pot store.

Well, a redneck nerd in a bowling shirt
Was a-guzzlin’ Lone Star beer
Talking religion and-uh politics
For all the world to hear
“They oughta send you back to Russia, boy
Or New York City, One
You just want to doodle a Christian girl
And you killed God’s only son.”

I said, “Has it occurred to you, you nerd
That that’s not very nice
We Jews believe it was Santa Claus
That killed Jesus Christ”
“You know, you don’t look Jewish,” he said
“Near as I could figger
I had you stamped for a slightly anemic
Well-dressed country Nigga.”

No, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore
They don’t turn the other cheek the way they done before
He started in to shoutin’ and a-spittin’ on the floor
“Lord, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore.”

He says, “I ain’t a racist but Aristotle Onassis
Is one Greek we don’t need
And them niggers, Jews and Sigma Nus, all they ever do is breed
And wops ‘n micks ‘n slopes ‘n spics ‘n spooks
Are on my list
And there’s one little heeb from the heart of Texas
Is there anyone I missed?”

Well, I hits him with everything I had
Right square between the eyes
I says, “I’m gonna gitcha, you son of a bitch ya
For spoutin’ that pack of lies
If there’s one thing I can’t abide
It’s an ethnocentric racist;
Now you take back that thing you said
‘Bbout Aristotle Onassis.”

No, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore
We don’t turn the other cheek the way we done before
You could hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
“Lord, they sho’ ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore”
All right!

No, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore
We don’t turn the other cheek the way they done before
You hear that honky holler as he hit that hardwood floor
Lord, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore

Everybody!
They ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore
They ain’t makin’ carpenters who know what nails are for
Well, the whole damn place was singin’
As I strolled right out the door
“Lord, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore!”

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